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If you have ever bought a house, planned a wedding, taken a vacation, changed careers, or made other major decisions, you have most likely been faced with enthusiastic friends and family members who start a conversation with these words:

You Know What You Should Do?

You probably have also heard plenty of people say you have to (try someone else’s favorite restaurant) or you are going to love (someone else’s favorite movie or book). My personal favorite is “you know what you need?” in regards to your health, your relationship, your personal time.

When someone asks “do you know what you need?” they are usually saying I know what you need and I’m about to tell you.

Why Unwanted Advice is Annoying

Unwanted advice is annoying because there is an assumption made that you do not know what you need, what you want, what you should do, and you need to be told by someone else. That doesn’t feel very good.

Beyond annoying, unwanted advice is distancing. If you stopped giving unwanted advice, it could revolutionize your relationships. If other people stopped giving you unwanted advice, you might feel more respect and compassion for those people.

In my work as a life coach, I witness the magic that happens when people feel listened to. We all know what we need, if we take the time to listen to ourselves. Having someone else really listen to what is true for you feels wonderful. It feels like you are trusted and capable. It is empowering to share our perspective and to be heard.

At the heart of this is one very important step that everyone giving unsolicited advice is missing:

Recognize Your Assumptions

When you tell someone that they need to give up coffee, you are assuming that you know what their body needs. When you tell someone they really should start doing yoga, you are assuming that what works for you will work for them. When you tell someone they have got to read this book, you are assuming that they care. They might, they might love yoga and thrive without coffee. If only there was some way to find out…

Ask Questions Instead

Yes! Ask questions. Get curious about who you are with. Find out what your friend really needs by asking them. What is important to them? What are their ideas? Asking questions shows respect for the other person and their perspective.

Listen

Listen to the answers once you’ve asked the questions. Drop all the advice you are waiting to give, and listen. You will be amazed at what happens when you really slow down and listen to someone share what is important to them.

When To Give Advice

Advice should be given when it is requested, or when you have been given permission to give it.
I know that there are many people who do this out of love and concern for others, and they truly believe that they are helping someone by extending what they have learned to the other people in their lives. I am sometimes one of those people. When it comes to giving advice, there are a few things we all need to remember. Yes, I am giving you advice right now. A lot of it, actually. You are consenting to this by reading this post, but in most cases, it is best to:

Ask Permission

Not everybody wants advice. You can assume this is true because I imagine that you don’t want everyone you know telling you what you should do, need to do, have to check out. When you ask permission, you are giving someone the choice to hear a new idea instead of telling them what to do. Your wisdom is likely to come across much clearer when it is invited.

Remember

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is not solve their problems and tell them what they need to read. Curiosity is your ticket to fulfillment in relationships of all kinds. With others, as well as yourself. That’s right, get curious with yourself too.

You know what you need. What is it?

Photo by laughlin.