You don’t have to fold over those pages of your “romance” novel anymore.

Oh, and you also don’t have to cringe and pretend you didn’t just read that part about Rick’s hairy chest (if chest hair is not your thing). Nor do you have to skim your eyes across words like “manhood” and “tender mound” and ignore them.

Partly because, there really is some great erotic fiction out there. Don’t be shy.

Primarily because, you can write your own.

The Secret Shopper: Your Sexual Cocktail

Yes, you can find great erotic fiction out there and thanks to the internet, you don’t have to walk into the sex shop of your small town to get your hands on it. I certainly encourage anyone to explore the deliciously crafted stories that many talented writers put out into the world for you to enjoy.

However, finding the right erotic fiction can feel a little like finding just the right psychiatric medication or baking the ultimate gluten-free cookie. It is a delicate cocktail. One inappropriate ingredient and you are way off track. What is the ultimate turn on for one person is a total deal breaker for another.

Those little details in erotic fiction (City or Country? Good girl or Bad girl? Wax on or Wax off?) may seem trivial, but in the arena of sexual fantasy they can make or break your buzz. Do you decide to flip ahead to the next story, or continue reading and do your best to ignore the parts that distract you from the task at hand?

This is the beauty of our complex sexual imaginations. Sex therapist Jack Morin has written about the fulfillment that can result from exploring our “core erotic themes” in his fantastic book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment. We are all uniquely wired for sexual pleasure. At best, it makes us fascinating lovers and fastidious consumers of erotic content.

Do It Yourself: Another Kind of Home Improvement

Imagine picking up a collection of erotic stories written just for you. With every detail catering to your secret preferences, every moment building your unique recipe for pleasure, with the people you fantasize about most, doing exactly what you crave. What would that be like?

Nice.

This is not about being a fiction writer, this is about collecting a journal of your sexual stories. Looking for reasons to put your dirty thoughts on paper? Here are a few:

• creative self expression
• personal growth
• massage your imagination
• improve communication with your lover(s)
• improve your sex life
• free, hot custom erotica

This is why it’s worth picking up a pen. Let’s get this party started.

Delicious Homework

Your pleasure is important and wonderful, and you deserve this. Find moments where you can be alone and really let yourself swim around in your imagination. Creating the space to dream is the foundation for your research.

Remember Your Target Audience: You

You are writing this for you, for your own pleasure. You are the only audience for this book, so relax about plot and grammar and even originality. Think of this as a journal of your sexual stories. They are right there inside you, all you have to do is find them. Here is where:

• Memories and Fantasies
• Your Sexual Memory Lane

Create some time and sit with a pen and notebook. This is just for brainstorming. Scribble, doodle, write and list anything that comes to mind when you comb over your sexual history for moments that stand out above the rest. Things you experienced that really turned you on. These experiences don’t necessarily have to be things you did either, they can be things you witnessed or thought about at different points in your life. You know the ones. Yes, that guy. It does not matter if the relationship was a disaster, just snip out that one insatiable night you had together, or that thing only he seemed to know… and leave out the rest.

You are harvesting only the best here. It’s quality, not quantity, and certainly not a contest. If your sexual past has not offered you the fruits you’d hoped for, no worries. In your fantasies, there are no limits.

The Fantasy Highway

Here is where you can make up all the experiences you wished you’d come across in your memory lane, or the experiences that you would never really consider in real life but the thought of them makes you squirm with delight. Fantasy is also the place where you can experience things that are humanly impossible. Really, there is no end to the Fantasy Highway. It’s all yours.

Continue to brainstorm from here, and see what shows up. You may not be able to do this all in one session, by the way. In fact, it should be very difficult to sit still and calmly write page after page about the things that most drive you wild with sexual tension. If not, tweak your stories until you can’t write them out in one civilized sitting.

Just know this: Like sex, it’s all about enjoying the ride.

The Cat Can Stay in the Bag

Okay, many of you may have just had visions of your partner/child/housekeeper finding these fantasies of yours. The horror. I know. It is important to feel safe when writing such personal material.

So if you are hiding this project from others in your household, don’t label the notebook or file “Danette’s Secret Writing”. Give it something specific and dull, like “Brussel Sprout Loaf Recipe” or something (though careful, that might trigger a sexual Pavlovian response to brussel sprouts).

Another tip for keeping a bit of privacy is to write from the third person perspective, like you are writing a story (totally fictional!) about someone else. That way, if someone ever did find it all they would know for sure is that you have a great imagination. They don’t have to know all those crazy things you did with your guitar teacher in college.

Think About the Package

Since this is all about you, think about how you will enjoy your erotica the most. In an easy to flip open spiral notebook? In a discreet folder in your computer? Would you love nothing more than to have your yummy stories published and bound in a candy apple red hardcover? You know yourself, what would give you the most pleasure?

Maybe the notes you began your brainstorming with are perfect the way they are. Why wait and rewrite everything if you don’t want to? It’s not an essay. It’s just for you to enjoy.

I will offer this advice about notebooks: Spiral notebooks fall open effortlessly and don’t require two hands to turn pages. Just a thought.

This is also a great opportunity to get creative and decorate your own cover.

The Possibilities are Endless

Your imagination truly has no limits. This is not a project that comes to a close so long as you are able to dream. Collecting your fantasies can be a life long pleasurable practice that connects you with your sexuality, one that you can take breaks from and then pick right back up when you feel inspired. There are many ways that writing your own erotica can make your life more delicious:

• Your understanding of your own sexual preferences can bring enormous fulfillment to your life, whether you are single or have been married for 30 years. Knowing what turns you on is a powerful and pleasurable thing.
• If you have difficulty expressing your preferences to your partner(s), this could be an excellent tool for bridging that gap in communication.
• Imagine what a sexy romantic gift this could be for your lover when you are feeling brave or short on cash
• Hey, could this be something you would love to do professionally? What a perfect way to find out.

There are many possibilities that spring from writing, and even more that can spring from being in touch with your own pleasure. You get to choose what you write, and what you share.

Let pleasure—your pleasure—be your focus. Enjoy!

Recommended Bedtime Reading

To get your own writing juices flowing, try reading the sexual fantasies of others. For Nancy Friday, research turned to some hot reading in her collections of real sexual fantasies. My Secret Garden, was her first collection of women’s sexual fantasies, or Men In Love a collection of men’s sexual fantasies.

If it’s been a while since you’ve entertained the guilty pleasures of a Harlequin novel, check out eharlequin.com, specifically, their Spice books, which push the boundaries of language and content you might associate with romance novels.

Like I said, finding the right erotica can be a challenge, but is well worth the chase.

I am fortunate to be living in a city where there are many awesome community oriented shops dedicated to sexual health and pleasure, such as Come As You Are in Toronto, who carries a rich variety of erotica among many other things (p.s. they deliver). When was the last time you popped into your friendly neighbourhood sex shop on your way home from work?