Why Am I Crying?
When my husband and I were still dating (for seven years, mind you) I cried any time we went to a movie in which a man made a commitment to a woman he loved. My husband always cries in movies about fathers and sons. All it takes is a son’s longing to connect to his dad or vice versa and the tears flow. Recently, I had a week in which three different clients cried in the context of our coaching session. In each case, the tears came when I (or the client’s partner) said something that desperately needed to be heard:
- “You need to give yourself time to mourn the life dream you let wither.”
- “The memory of your dad, is a memory of acceptance, he accepted you and that memory can bring you to your own self-acceptance.”
- “I want to always remember how much I love you.”
In all cases, the tears represent a kind of release, when a longing we have is suddenly tapped into. A truer, deeper part of ourselves has been touched and even if we can’t speak about it, our tears are the pathway there. They are a signal for us to pay attention.
The power is magnified by the fact that someone else’s words were able to reach us. Even for those of us blessed with close family and friends, it is always a surprise when another human being manages to dip into the deep well of our being, and create a splash. And once they do, we have a unique opportunity to swim around in those deep waters we may rarely visit- and if we let them, we have a partner who can join us.
Tips for following the path of your tears
- Don’t make a joke of it and move quickly on to something else.
- Don’t judge yourself for being weak or sentimental.
- Do get curious about what is there. Set aside time to write in your journal, talk more with your partner or friend, or just sit with a pencil and paper and write a letter to yourself.
When and why do you and / or your partner cry?
Photo by Zivsh.
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November 10th, 2008 at 5:56 am
I've cried a lot over the last two months or so. I got hired at a new job, part-time, about six months ago. Two months ago, I made the switch to full-time. It's my first full-time job that's going to last more than a summer.
I really, really miss being in control of my schedule. I miss school and the intellectual stimulation that comes from it. Even though I enjoy what I'm doing at work, I hate the idea that I've got to sit at my desk 40 hours a week.
So… that's why I've been crying lately. I'm hoping things get easier.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Hearing a man talk passionately about his feelings for his wife and children hits me every time.
November 10th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Highly unusual to be the first commenter on your own post- I know. But I just had to share this. I was sitting in Whole Foods this morning looking at a placard that advetised their “Giving & Entertaining” guide and I started to cry! Okay. I gave myself some time to follow the path and realized that I have been so stuck in a scarcity mode that I wasnt doing a lot of giving. I walked up to the marketing manager and offered free coaching sessions in their store through the holiday season. It felt so good to give. Those tears were a gift this morning.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Pearl, this is such a great piece. We could all do with paying attention to the tears that even a TV commercial evokes. Big signals.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Julie – I totally relate. I wonder if those tears are about really needing to mourn the stage of life that is now ending-before you can fully enter into the new one.Good luck!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Okay L'Tanya- I would love to sit down and cry with you.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Thanks for writing this Pearl, I have been noticing this so much lately! Certain things trigger crying every time I encounter them (and I've never really been a crier! I went several years without crying, but of course that's another story…). Every time I read or see something about people working to help solve the poverty/hunger/AIDS crisis in Africa, it's instant waterworks. I also cry in every movie where, as you mentioned, a man makes a commitment to a woman he loves (something I've always wanted and never really had). I hardly ever cry at movies that are supposed to be sad, but I ALWAYS cry when they are about something triumphant, like social change or the attainment of one's dream. I wept for 2-3 days after the recent election, every time I thought about the historical context.
I feel like maybe this is happening because I feel like I'm not on the right path, or that my career is not making enough of a difference. Maybe I am too much of an idealist? But either way I think I am going to look into working/volunteering with a charity organization in Africa for my next big vacation.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Yes! There is power in getting into action and following the path!
November 10th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I cried when Obama was elected! I also tend to cry when someone tells me they love me for the first time. And once, when dealing with an illness in the family and feeling absolutely overwhelmed, I got a call from an old friend on my cell phone while I was grocery shopping. His voice was so warm and sincere when he asked me, “How are you doing?” that I burst into tears, right there in the middle of the wine aisle, because I realized how much I was trying to be strong and how sad and weak I really felt.
November 10th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Thank you, Pearl! I've caught myself swallowing lumps in my throat a lot lately. Next time one comes, I'll let it come, and I'll pay attention. Although what with moving, working two jobs, and writing, something tells me it's pure exhaustion. But I promise I'll look deeper.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I have been crying a lot lately, but I think they are tears of joy. After dealing with an upside-down world, it really puts things in perspective and you realize what is precious. I think that's is what brought up my feelings–being humbled by what I still had and not get carried away with what I wanted. Thank you Pearl for writing this.