As any good Dominatrix will tell you, safety words in sex play are essential. When the dominant player is going too far over the pleasure-pain line, the willing submissive has a safety word that will halt the show with no questions asked. “No, stop…no…don’t stop…” is part of the game. But when someone says, “Lemon Bundt Cake” or “Red Light,” it’s time to put the whip down and unlock the cuffs.

Hard kink ain’t my thang, but I think safety words are good for most every occasion.

Find Your Safety Words:

Your unspoken safety word: it’s good to have one or two safety words that you speak only to yourself. A word that’s going to remind you when to walk away, or when to take a deep breath, or when to shout “Step away from my personal and psychic space this very instant.” The word should remind you of your abiding human right to be safe and happy. Mine is “respect.” It’s very basic and very literal. If I’m not feeling respected I say the word to myself and it alerts me to the best next action: take a breather, hold my ground, make a request.

Your spoken safety word: my husband and I came up with a safety word to quell our arguments – those going-south-and-everyone’s-temperature-is-rising kind of arguments. Our safety word is Obi Wan Kenobi. Uh huh. The Obi Wan affect is amazing. We can be mid spewing of opinions and hot air and if the other person just isn’t up for it, they only have to say, “Obi Wan Kanobi” and the cease fire notice immediately goes into effect. And it’s hard not to laugh when the other person yells, “Obi Wan Kenobi.” It can be damn tough to shut up and chill. But that’s the power of safety words – protection.

We don’t use our safety word often. Obi Wan is sacred stuff. And so are personal boundaries. May the force be with you.

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