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When someone is seriously sick in TV shows and movies, the neighborhood always seems to instantly rally around that person, supplying casseroles and emotional support.

Real life isn’t like that. People have their own worries and activities (and not everyone is a great cook). Some people even find their friends abandon them when they become sick. When I got CFS, a neurological illness which causes extreme fatigue, digestive disturbances, and hormone imbalances, more than one friend told me to get in touch “when you’re feeling better.” I haven’t seen those people for many years.

So if you’re trying to be there physically or emotionally for your friend who is sick, I applaud you. But I also want to warn you that you may not be the kind, supportive person you think you are. While I’m sure your intentions are honorable, it’s likely you may be stressing your friend out in ways you haven’t realized. And she’s too exhausted and afraid of offending you to say so . . . but I’m not.

Here’s what you can do to make sure your presence isn’t an extra burden on your pal’s already overburdened plate.

Don’t Overstay Your Welcome

Your friend is probably really glad to see you, but your interesting conversation is likely to be a little on the overstimulating side. Watch her carefully for signs of flagging or agree on a time limit before you come: half an hour is often about right. Remember, she might have other visitors or just want time alone to read or rest.

Don’t Take It Personally

It’s hard to tell a friend that you’re not up to seeing him or her or that you can only stay for 10 minutes, so if someone says something like that to you, remember that he’s just trying to manage an illness as best he can, and he doesn’t want to offend you–he just doesn’t want to get sicker.

Chat Up the Voicemail

When I was too ill to talk, I had one friend who would call when she knew I’d be napping (with my phone turned off). That way, she could leave me messages and keep in touch without bugging me. Sending text messages and short e-mails or letters is also good–just make it clear that no reply is necessary!

Don’t Give Advice (Unless She Asks)

This is a really important one. You want your friend to live a wonderful life rather than struggle to stay awake on the sofa, but telling her about new treatments for her illness won’t help her. Trust me: she knows a lot more than you do about her health problems, and she’s looking for you to be her friend and to accept her as she is rather than seeing her as “the sick one.” Nor is she likely to want books on the topic of her illness or stories of people who’ve beaten the same illness. They don’t inspire; they just feel like extra pressure.

Do Offer Specific Help

A lot of people say “I wish I could do something to help” or “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But then you ask them for something, and they’re horribly inconvenienced. If you can take notice of what your friend might be struggling with (Picking up prescriptions? Laundry? Cooking?) and offer some specific help without being asked, you’ll distinguish yourself as a friend worth keeping.

Be Shallow

Don’t forget that what your friend really needs is a friend, someone with whom to share a laugh and gossip and a cup of tea. Your day-to-day worries provide her with reassurance that the world keeps turning, so don’t think that she doesn’t want to get superficial. It might be the best thing she could do!

You Can Always Ask

The above things are what I wanted when I was at my worst and what I think a lot of people who are ill want, too. But everyone’s different, and you can always initiate an honest conversation with your friend about what you can expect from each other during this difficult time. In fact, I’d really recommend it.