What kind of friend are you?

Daily | October 16th, 2008 by Danielle LaPorte

“A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

Carrie says: To be honest I’ve been a rather poor friend lately, too much work, too much about me. My friends would say I am thoughtful, helpful and brave.

Danielle says: Wise cracking at all times. Especially useful at births, weddings, funerals and break-ups. Especially useless at house painting, moving and cleaning (but I’ll do it…begrudgingly…maybe…for free pizza and beer). Private, but honest.

Viewing 51 Comments

Beckie Temple 10/16/2008 04:30 AM 1 point
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If you are part of my inner circle -- or dot -- I am a true-blue Odie. If you need me, I will be there in the middle of the night. You are part of my family

If you are on the periphery, I'm a good friend but probably won't show up in the middle of the night.

I probably need to enlarge my dot to a bigger circle of friends.

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Kristen 10/16/2008 04:55 AM 1 point
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I am the one that friends will say, " I feel so much better now that I've talked to you"....I LOVE being the "go to" girl.

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Danette 10/16/2008 05:28 AM 1 point
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Yes Carrie, I also feel that I have been a poor friend lately. In fact, this year I forgot so many birthdays of people I care about deeply. They seemed to just slip by while I was wrapped up in work, and it was awful to realize that had happened after the fact. I do not want my big picture to be about working so hard that my loved ones slip past without cherishing.
When I am being a good friend, I am the one who you can tell anything to. My friends have called me thoughtful, inspiring and loving.

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DanielleLaPorte 10/16/2008 07:55 AM 1 point
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I also missed a bunch of birthdays becasue of deadlines and growing the biz this year. It slays me. So I gave myself a break. Instead of doing my utmost as usual (perfect gift, wrapped really cool, in a box with treats, mailed on time with a handmade card) I let myself slack a bit - just a card, flowers sent (late, but beautiful), a phone call...

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etalerman 10/16/2008 05:31 AM 1 point
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I am exactly what my style statement says (not suprisingly) - a constructive nurturer!

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Kirsty 10/16/2008 05:36 AM 1 point
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Loyal and generous.

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Domestic Miss 10/16/2008 05:42 AM 1 point
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Loyal and with her heart in the right place. Says what she thinks and thinks about what she says.

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Leah Graves 10/16/2008 05:42 AM 1 point
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I am trusting and I listen with an open heart and mind.

I've helped friends move and friends have helped me and my husband to build our vacation home. I like to give, but I'm always amazed at how much my friends give.

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http://onesnap.gather.com

Ellen 10/16/2008 05:49 AM 1 point
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My friends say I'm insightful and funny. I think, like Carrie, I've been a poor friend lately.

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Traci 10/16/2008 06:12 AM 1 point
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I can have lunch with a friend after years apart and pick up right where we left off. I'm the kind of friend who will check in often just to make sure everything's good. I listen and offer advice. I'm also the kind of friend who, when she sees bad behavior will ask all the right questions to make sure everything is okay, and if all IS well, will thank God and then call you out on the crappy 'tude.

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Wazzy 10/16/2008 06:14 AM 1 point
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I have been told that I make people very comfortable and that they feel they can be themselves around me. I am a keeper of secrets. I am genuine and open and silly and honest. I mean to keep my friends for life...and I am not a fairweather friend—I am committed and love my friends very much.

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Ms. Tabitha 10/16/2008 06:15 AM 1 point
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I'm that friend that can't say no... and I'm working on it because the last kind of friend I'd want to be is an enabler! I've been told that I'm thoughtful, and trustworthy. Probably because I don't say no!!! HAH!

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http://www.lifealamode.com

Ginger 10/16/2008 06:17 AM 1 point
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My first thought was "missing in action"...which does not bode well for me. Too much work and self-reflection of late. I do appreciate my friends, love hanging with them and hope they see me as supportive, interested, kind and witty.

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Tammy_D 10/16/2008 06:34 AM 1 point
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I am really not sure how my friends would answer this, and so I am reluctant to venture a guess. I'm curious to know if my self-image and how I am perceived by others actually jive. I've always prided myself on remembering my friends birthdays, their spouse's and kids' birthdays and other important events in their lives. I make a great effort to call, write, and keep in touch. I think I can be pretty baudy and opinionated, but I am always an open and willing listener, and my friends know that I'll be honest with them.

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Linda Borland-Fitzgerald 10/16/2008 06:40 AM 1 point
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On freindships that end..

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

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Mary 10/16/2008 10:50 AM 1 point
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I couldn't agree more! Several times in my life, I have weeded my garden.

There are a few fabulous friends, whom I support, and they support me unconditionaly. Those are the keepers to carry into the future.

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Alison 10/16/2008 11:00 PM 1 point
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No poetry, just a smile. What you wrote is really beautiful.

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debbierodgers 10/16/2008 06:44 AM 1 point
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I try to be a friend who is kind, thoughtful, helpful & loyal - and one who reaches out and keeps in touch.

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Licarrit 10/16/2008 06:54 AM 1 point
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Actually I'm a lousy friend. I tend to be an in the minute kind of person so if I don't see someone they tend to get lost in the past. I think I have a good heart and try to do the right things but like Carrie said I tend to get focused on work or family or...

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Colette 10/16/2008 07:11 AM 1 point
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Honest, straight forward, accepting and non-judgemental, caring, and empathetic. I am dependable and wouldn't think twice about doing what ever it takes to help a friend out who is in need. I am also smart, saavy and never allow people to walk on me or take advantage of me - I know a soap box story when I hear one.

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Elena 10/16/2008 07:28 AM 1 point
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i care really deeply about people in my far reaching circle, but i think sometimes they don't know it. I'm really in the moment, if I happen to get an email out of the blue from a friend who is having a rough time i will take a whole evening to write just the right response, and think about it all day, but it is unlikely that i will just send a hey, how are ya? email myself. If I run into someone and we go for coffee we'll have an awesome really involved conversation, and I'll offer all that i have to the core of my being to help them out, but if i don't see them again for a while, it takes me some time to remember and intentionally contact them again... I can be out of contact with a person for years and see them again and be really tight, and see each other three times in a week, for a period of time, and then not for years... I think i exhaust myself with the intensity of these relationships, and a very few take up a lot of attention. I am starting to see that there is real value, for myself and my friends, in just seeing people with a normal frequency and intensity, and just, like, doing a craft together and talking about a movie or something sometimes, there seems to be a very deep and surprising trust that develops this way, on both sides... like, you can count on one another... so I am working on expanding upon my friendship style : )

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LaLou 10/16/2008 07:45 AM 1 point
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I am the type of friend who will pick you up at the airport rather than let you take public transportation; the type who will sit with a new acquaintance as she rehashes her break-up; the type who will hold your hair back when you're praying to the porcelain god; the type who will endlessly take the piss out of you and make fun of myself, and the type who will mobilize a SWAT team of friends for you when the shit really hits the fan.

I recently moved to a new city though and am having a hard time making a new circle of friends: I have plenty of people to hang out with but I'm looking for some true-blue friendships.

Anyone have tips for making good friends in new places???

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EcoDiva 10/16/2008 09:28 PM 1 point
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Hey LaLou,

You sounds like my kind of girl. I've moved many times in my life and my first point of reference on the map of a new place is keeping myself open to making that 1 (maybe 2) amazing connections. Then I feel like I'm home. Just be yourself and let the connections happen.

What city are you in? If you're near Bellingham, WA, I'll join you for a glass of wine anytime.

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Mary 10/17/2008 12:17 AM 1 point
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Aloha LaLou,

I've always found that my friendships have started based on proximity or common interests. Anyone interesting at work or where you live? What are your hobbies or things that you want to try? Depending on what you can afford, take classes, join a group that does hikes, check out events at museums or theaters, etc. I recently started running with the Niketown Running Club and have met some really nice people through that. I wish you luck. It does get harder as you get older to make close friends, but if you make a few, it's worth it!

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Katie Kay 10/16/2008 08:41 AM 1 point
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Funny and attentive.

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MoJo 10/16/2008 09:10 AM 1 point
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Argh. I think, perhaps, I suck as a friend. I know it's somewhat flawed, but I live by the golden rule in this case - I don't ask from anyone what I am not capable myself of giving . I'm extremely private and I don't usually have a problem saying no - much to my friends chagrin. I am there in a crunch, always, but not if there's always a crunch. I send silly, spontaneous 'love you's' and cards. Time with friends tends to come third to my family and my work. I'm also extremely blessed that regardless of all this - I have some seriously beautiful relationships that have stood the test of time...

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JoeM 10/16/2008 09:15 AM 1 point
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I count all my closest friends on just one hand. I have dozens of close acquaintances who can depend on me for many things, but my friends know that I will have their back, no matter what the situation or cost. I've never believed that there needs to be equality in that kind of friendship - what's mine is theirs if they have a need for it. Friendship is not about equality, it's lifetime relationships.

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Susie Hutchinson 10/16/2008 09:30 AM 1 point
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Loyal and forgiving, and there when they need me no matter what.

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Natasha_L 10/16/2008 09:31 AM 1 point
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I read somewhere once that friendhips are like houseplants - they require regular maitenance. That stuck in my head for some reason and I think about it often. Plants I'm not so good with, but I feel like my friendships flourish. I'm a reliable, honest , thoughtful friend. I'd like to be even more generous, an even better listener and a softer place to fall when needed.

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weezie 10/16/2008 09:51 AM 1 point
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I am my friends' biggest cheerleader. I am the orchestrator. I am the source for a book to read, a movie to see, or a party menu. I can make my friends see the funny side of most any situation. I am loyal to the bone and am usually up for any activity (as long as it doesn't make us sweat).

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Theresa Lenardon 10/16/2008 09:52 AM 1 point
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Hi Carrie; I agree that you are thoughtful, helpful and brave.
I would like to add that I think that as a friend, you are also very intuitive, creative, nurturing, understanding and compassionate!!!! and although we don't see each other often, I do know that "you care and are there"
I so love you for that.
I understand about how busy it gets that we all seem to lose touch and can't keep up with long-distance correspondence etc.
I feel that I too am a poor friend sometimes for the same reasons as you.
I can't seem to get and remain organized and I also can't seem to correspond to well - even with email!!! Busy, busy, busy - However, through the years I have been a caring, loyal and compassionate friend and have been able to demonstrate these friendship qualities over time so that my friends do know that although I may not correspond as frequently as I would like, I do really care and that I am always "there" for them - as I think you are for me!

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CarrieM 10/16/2008 06:56 PM 1 point
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Thank you T.

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Sabrina 10/16/2008 10:14 AM 1 point
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I'm loyal, possess integrity, am thoughtful, kind, playful, witty and compassionate as well as gentle and insightful. It starts with being this kind of friend to myself and it made friendships external to me deeper and authentic.

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Laura 10/16/2008 10:28 AM 1 point
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What synchronicity this question has for me. On any given day I might have been able to say a lot about what kind of friend I am but late last week I received a letter ending a very long friendship. It was devastating to read. I've spent the better part of each day since then pondering every facet of her perception of me and our friendship. It’s been a painful process. As hard as it is to make sense of this unsettling experience, I will try to take away some helpful insight along with my sorrow knowing that I desperately failed her as a friend. In the end I know in my heart, and from talking with friends who still love me, that I am a sincere, exuberant, positive and caring person who values her friendships above all else. Even the one I've lost.

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MoJo 10/16/2008 01:14 PM 1 point
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So sorry Laura - I've received a letter like that once. It cuts deeply. Strangely enough, it was from one of my oldest friends, who I also emailed today to ask the question "What type of friend am I?" Her response made me cry again, only with gratitude this time (our relationship continues after much crying, yelling and forgiveness). I know there isn't always a happy ending, and sometimes we need to shed relationships and friends - but sometimes they evolve as we grow and change and those transitions hurt. I'm babbling now - I just want to say my thoughts are with you. None of us ever goes out with the intent of being a crappy friend, or 'failing' those we love, and it is tremendously painful when we're perceived and experienced that way. Hugs to you. xo

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Linda Borland-Fitzgerald 10/16/2008 03:13 PM 1 point
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My initial response to this question was detailed with my own experiences with two cherished friends who 'cut me loose' without warning. I too cried and questioned the years that I was a devoted, supportive, forgiving friend and believe me I had reason to end the friendships long before they did. Mourn what you lost but read my other entry that succinctly puts it into perspective. Trust that when things and people fall away from your life, it's usually to make room for something better (or what you need now) that's coming.

On a positive note, I have recently been reconnected with these friends and one of them took a decade. Our first meeting was tearful but joyful too and I can honestly say that she is in a much better place in her life, which means I can relate to her in a more profound way - at last. I am hopeful that we will remain in each others lives now. This isn't always the case as we or they, outgrow our relationships. It just bloody well hurts though. When you are really ready to let it go, just write your goodbye on a piece of lovely notepaper, make a wish for that person that is heartfelt and burn it or make a paper airplane out of it and send it off a cliff. Then get on with your life and remain open to the new things making their way into your life. Meanwhile, grieve any way you need to.

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marn 10/16/2008 10:30 AM 1 point
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I am the one you can rely on, but not to the point that I will let what you need get in my way of dealing with my own needs.
I am the one that you look to when you need someone to cheer you on, lead by example, be an inspiration.
I can help you to make fun to ANY situation, and bring light to darkness.
I am so blatantly honest about where I am at, that I will not let protecting my image come in my way of helping you.
I am respectful of your process, and where you are at in life, so that there are no expectations. I want the best for you so much that I will help you in any way to achieve it. SUPPORT is offered in a way that it works for you.
I bring 100% of myself to the table, and come with a trusting heart.
That's me! :-)

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ritz 10/16/2008 10:49 AM 1 point
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I think I've been on and off - I've been good with my tighter network of friends, but there are those that I haven't seen in a while and haven't made the effort to meet up with to catch up. I really should considering that for the first time, I have a lot of time on my hands since I'm just working and not going to school.

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missp 10/16/2008 11:13 AM 1 point
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blunt, honest, direct.. that's one of my strengths and well, something I'm not good at not doing. Sugar coating is not one of my strong suits.. If you need me in the middle of the night or to hold your hair when you're puking, I'm your gal! Fiercely loyal..

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Alison 10/16/2008 11:38 PM 1 point
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You sound like you'd attract good friends, you're a great one yourself. The truth is something all people need to face, as much as many don't wish to.

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Amanda | Cultivated Grace 10/16/2008 11:38 AM 1 point
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I am a patient, nurturing, mirroring friend. I am healing and require a lot of solitude, so I'm not around all the time, but when I'm there, I'm THERE. I know that true presence is nurturing and healing, so I make an effort to be fully present to others when we are together. I offer up the wisdom that I have learned as I have healed, and seek to inspire and nurture healing and authenticity in my loved ones.

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Jess 10/16/2008 11:41 AM 1 point
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Great at making people laugh. Always there for someone. Not very competitive. Not very judgemental.
Excited about everything. Happy for others - genuinely.

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Ngonzi Truth Crushshon 10/16/2008 12:10 PM 1 point
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I'm the friend you can count on to keep her word/promises. If I say I'm going to be there or do something I'll be there or I will call to cancel in emergency situations......

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Gayla 10/16/2008 04:17 PM 1 point
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I'm not sure. I only have one person in my life I call a friend and he lives 2000 miles away. He thinks I'm great - witty, intelligent, giving, thoughtful, loving. This is something that has always bothered me & I often wonder what is wrong with me. I have many acquaintances, but only one friend. I have my suspicions about why this is - I'm bipolar and cycle very rapidly. My moods change at the drop of a hat and are unpredictable (even with meds, ECT) - most people have a hard time dealing with this. I always wondered if my symptoms would change if I had the support of friends. After all of the cruel things that have been said to me in the past by people I thought were friends, I'm just too scared to try to reach out.

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Alison 10/16/2008 10:59 PM 1 point
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I'm the kind of friend who is supportive, loyal, self-sacrificing and honest. I tell stories, use metaphors, and quote lines that I like. I also carry secrets with me to the grave, something I've done for a very long time.

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Mary 10/17/2008 12:12 AM 1 point
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I am an amazing friend. I'm loyal, generous, supportive, the social coordinator, the fun instigator, I have a great set of ears and love to give and get hugs. I always remember birthdays, although I might be a day late. I have had a large number of my friends for AGES, and I love them all with all my heart.

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Karen 10/17/2008 10:23 AM 1 point
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I am often referred to as partner in crime. Often I am up for just about anything and will make the ride as fun as possible. I am also there to bring special toothpaste half way around the world for a girlfriend's daughter who won't use anything else (I was already coming to visit, but wasn't going to check my luggage... whole other story)

I will be honest if asked how a friend looks or if something should be purchased. I am a friend who will do anything technical/ construction/ repair I can for free and recommend someone if I can't.

I am a friend who forgets birthdays and middle names and has very little recollection of how I have met and maintained the friendships I have.

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marieleona 10/18/2008 07:39 AM 1 point
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I once took a personality test with my best friends and the end result was that I was a romantic among warriors, which meant that most of my friends are competitive, go getters and strong minded. I can be that too, but most times I'm the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the pacifier, the philosopher, the romantic among the warriors. I hope I'm a great friend, non-judgemental, easy-going and loving. I'm also a wise-cracking, take life with a grain of salt kind of gal so I think basically my friends like to be around me.

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stella 10/20/2008 02:25 PM 1 point
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I am a loyal friend who is a good listener. I am gifted with the most incredible group of friends whom I can truly depend on through thick and thin. My challenge in life is to allow them to give to me as much as I give to them. Working on it!!

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Vanessa Rae 11/15/2008 08:40 AM 1 point
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I must be honest too, lately I feel that I have been a poor friend as well. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and don't quite have a handle on my perspectives I tend to disappear and and try to handle life all on my own. I'm realizing that by connecting with others and being a thoughtful friend, I can take the focus off of myself and therefore see that we are all in this together, we all have our own stresses and circumstances yet one of our greatest resources for happiness is the friendships we hold close to our hearts.

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Terry 01/07/2009 06:46 AM 1 point
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When asked if I can help I answer "Yes" then I ask "how"

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