Waiting for the Ring: Romantic or Anti-Feminist?
As my family and I chowed down on holiday fare, the conversation turned to a family friend, Nick. Everybody adores Nick; we are delighted he seems to be getting serious with his smart, thoughtful girlfriend, Mandy, after some, ahem, dodgy relationships in the past.
“What’s going on with Nick and Mandy?” I asked my brother-in-law. “Do you think they’ll get married?”
My sister and her husband exchanged glances. She then revealed Nick’s plans to surprise Mandy over Christmas … with a diamond … pendant.
“Eh?” my mom said.
I paused, chocolate-covered pretzel hovering two centimeters from my mouth: “A pendant?”
My sister shrugged. My brother-in-law interjected, somewhat defensively, “Maybe she’s not that interested in a ring.”
The predominantly female room collapsed in laughter.
“Yeah, right.”
“All she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth and … a pendant.”
Modern Love
When I thought about the conversation later, I felt a little guilty. The women in the room represented different ages and life choices; there were single women, wives, mothers, and grandmothers. Some were career women while others were stay-at-home mamas. Yet the majority of us laughed that evening, connecting over that period in our relationship when we really just wanted the darn ring.
But, wait. Here we are in 2009, assuming Nick’s girlfriend was hoping for an engagement ring for Christmas. Are we programmed into thinking we should wait for the man to ask us? Women have a lot of options. Nobody has to get married. In some states, women can marry women and fellows can tie the knot with their partners. And if a couple decides to get married, the man doesn’t need to propose — a woman could do a fine job of it if she’d like to! Similarly, a ring isn’t necessarily a mandatory component in marriage.
And yet, many women would prefer a man to present a ring and a proposal. Does that mean many of us are secretly old-fashioned? Is that our view of romance or a way to honor a tradition? Is the actual piece of jewelry an important gesture? Should we feel guilty for wanting an engagement ring?
One Ring To Rule Them All
I spoke with my friend on the brink of her engagement. Lucy, a powerful consultant in Manhattan, has discussed getting engaged with her boyfriend within the next year. Now, keep in mind, Lucy is probably the most powerful and assertive woman I know. She makes Hillary Clinton look like Betty Boop.
“I know we could just decide to get married. Or we could go and pick out a ring together. But the girly part of me just wants the surprise. And the down-on-the-knee thing. What’s wrong with that?”
Nothing, I suppose. How wonderful for a romantic fellow to express his love with a beautiful gift! How groovy these two have found each other!
Perhaps there is a way to maintain timeless traditions with the freedom of today’s society. What do you think, C and D readers? Did you secretly pine for a proposal? Did any ladies out there propose to the man in their lives? Confused feminists want to know!
[Photo by ||!prliignore0||]
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January 9th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
My husband proposed to me without a ring, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Even if he were loaded and could afford 10 carats for each finger, I'd have still preferred a ringless proposal. I don't know…something about sticking a shiny expensive thing under someone's nose when asking him/her to marry you stinks a bit of bartering.
That said, we did choose a ring together later. And oh, how I love the ring. I have no idea what that says about me.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I wouldn't say no to a pendant! I think that's a bit presumptuous, assuming that they're at the stage where they wish to get married. I'm one for thinking it over before going into things: I'd probably wait a very, very long time and then some before I considered marrying someone. (Typical Capricorn, I know.) A lot would have to happen before I knew I wanted to spend my life with someone.
As for being proposed to…. I'm not actually involved, but I think if I were in a serious relationship and was considering marriage, a lot of discussion would occur beforehand. I would love the idea of making the engagement/announcement a romantic one, but I probably wouldn't want a man to go out and buy a ring prematurely, without a lot of serious discussion and what not.
January 10th, 2009 at 12:27 am
Not all of us are interested in diamond rings, especially when diamond mining has caused so much bloodshed, war and environmental degradation. My fellow and I got tattoos together when we decided to paddle in the same boat, so to speak
January 10th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Back in history class, a few years back, my professor decided to prove a point about how while we may go on about how patriarchal societies in the past were, it doesn't change the fact that we've got lots of similar things going on today. For his example, he asked how many of us girls would consider proposing to a guy, instead of waiting around…I was the only one to raise my hand. The married lady next to me looked a bit sheepish, and the Russian exchange student behind me simply said, “Why bother getting married at all?”
Sure enough, this past Thanksgiving, I asked my fella to marry me. He said “Not yet,” so I told him next time he had to do the asking, as I considered myself refused. Two weeks later, he pulled out a small emerald ring and returned the question.
January 10th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
My husband proposed with a Japanese “daruma”. We had been in Japan together several years earlier and he had filled in one of the eyes and made the wish that our relationship would make it to marriage. Upon proposing we filled in the 2nd eye together. As for the ring, my engagement band actually belonged to MY grandmother. He did supply the diamond which was very small exactly to my liking!
January 11th, 2009 at 8:58 am
We create some much of our lives and our reality now. When my husband proposed to me, the ring we had discussed and designed wasn't ready. It's not logical, but emotionally, I didn't feel engaged until I had this universal symbol on my finger. I was excited for our future, for our relationship, but I was independently excited about being part of this tradition, a beautiful symbolic ring.
My ring has a sapphire, instead of a diamond. For me, it was about taking tradition and twisting it just a bit to suit my relationship.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
My boy knows if he brings me a diamond, I'll say no way.
The tradition of diamond engagement rings was started in the 1930s by DeBeers. The whole “diamond is forever” line? A DeBeers copywriter came up with that in the 1940s so you wouldn't try to resell a stone and find out it's worthless. The surprise proposal? That trend was also started by DeBeers: their marketing research in the 1960s showed that when women are involved in picking out their own rings, they spend less.
I think Moissanites are a saner alternative if you must have a sparkly: when these came on the market, the world's jewelers had to seriously upgrade their equipment. First discovered in a meteor, then synthesized in labs, moissanites have a greater fire, brilliance, hardness, and luster than diamonds. Plus, since they're man-made, they are all flawless and cost about a tenth of the price per carat, and you don't start your life together in unnecessary debt.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:44 am
You said it. No diamond for me, either.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:56 am
hurray! It is so nice to read other women who haven't bought into the DeBeers thing. It puts such ridiculous pressure on the relationship, too, esp. the man. It is a pet peeve of mine. My husband worked for a time with an organization trying to come up with ways to end conflicts in Africa. Women who had PHD's in African studies were coming in with diamond engagement rings…. DeBeers did a good job with their marketing. I never get to grouse about this in my face to face life because of all of the sensitive, beautiful, caring friends I have who proudly sport their diamond rings. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I feel strongly about this.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I never wanted to be engaged, it felt like a label, as though I was taken. And yet I love wearing my simple wedding bands, a symbol of my commitment. And as for diamonds, I don't know what one carat means and I don't care!
January 13th, 2009 at 9:16 am
When I had finaly worked up the courage to ask my lady to marry me, I found out that she had a supprise for me. If I had not asked her that day, she had a ring ready for me. I thought that was a nice touch.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Many have said what I would say: diamonds are blood, romantic proposals invented by the jewelery industry, demanding two months' salary no different from the exchange of cattle between the betrotheds' families. I will not be bought.
My now-husband was skeptical, and asked me repeatedly if I was SURE I didn't want a big rock and a knight on a white horse. (I have never been a romantic.) Very sweet. But our personal path to marriage involved making the choice together, after much discussion, completing the past, sharing our passions, and creating a future together. Not to mention living in partnership for years, buying a home together, burying pets, enduring family illness, tasting the joys and sorrows of life together.
Almost 10 years together; almost 4 months married; so far so good.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
let me add, I do wear a ring: my late mother's gold wedding band. My husband wears my father's.