I have a house husband.

After years of waking up in the morning wondering how on earth I was going to juggle work, kids, household and self-care, for the past week I have opened my eyes knowing I don’t have to do it all anymore. It’s a strange feeling, this certainty that I can give work my full attention.

My loving husband is home with the boys for now, and I am deeply thankful. He brings loving imaginative parenting to our sons, boundless energy, and a healthy dose of the outrageous into their daily lives. He also makes fantastic chocolate zucchini cake, and has this mostly endearing quality of having difficulty telling the difference between a green onion and a green bell pepper.

Changing Roles

This change in our household is far more complex than I had anticipated. I am still trying to wrap my head around letting go of juggling it all, and releasing a large share of the household work and the daily caring for our children. The juggling was in many ways a source of connection with other mothers, a kind of camaraderie. There is a certain self-sacrificial romance about simply not having had time to get your hair cut. I also have to accept that there will be days when they are off together on play dates or swimming at the river and I am sitting here glued to my computer. The sense of loss cannot be denied.

Most of the time, however, the juggling was anything but romantic. Particularly hectic months often led to heated exchanges with my husband over his work hours, childcare, household chores, and so on. Too often I would manage to juggle almost everything by simply setting aside time to care for myself. The juggling certainly did not feed my spirit or serve my family, marriage, or the needs of our children.

The truly strange part of this change in our family is my deep and evil desire for him to fail. I want it to be hard for him. I want him to have days when he loses it, when the house is a mess, the kids eat far too many veggie dogs, and he breaks down in tears about the lack of time for his writing, exercise, a haircut, anything, really….I envy that he will be a full time parent without also trying to work part-time.

Was It Just Hard For Me?

At the core I would guess I want to know that it is hard for everyone, not just for me. That we all do our best, and that he will have many magical days and his fair share of hard days. I want to know that we both bring our own unique gifts to parenting, and that it is okay for him to be different from me.

Deep down, I don’t really want him to fail. I want him to revel in this time with our children, in caring for our home and our land. I want him to have the space to redefine who he is as a man and father outside of the professional realm. I want him to shine. I want to shine in my work as well, with the space to give my business what it deserves. Most importantly, I want our children to thrive. I trust we will all find unexpected gifts from this change in our family life, and look forward to seeing what we create.

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Photo by ontwerpplus.