Photo: The most recent stack of books found in Danielle’s shrink’s office. Good sign.

Has Your Shrink Got Style?

I’ve come to learn that the best way to choose a therapist who will masterfully guide you through the labyrinth of your inner world…is to judge them by their…appearance. Yep. Book by it’s cover, superficial signals, thin slices. Shoes, objects of art, sweatpants might tell you all you need to know about one of the most potentially positive or destructive relationships in your life.

Upfront disclaimers: if you have serious mental health issues, there may be no need to worry about what your psychiatrist is wearing. Just get the immediate help you deserve. And, there are plenty of capable counselors who look a wreck. But in my experience, the sure signs of sagacity and street smarts – and I want both in a psychologist – often show up in personal style. This is after all, one of our guiding philosophies – that style gives snap shots of one’s soul. It is endlessly amazing how surface observations can clue you into the depths of a person. Shoes and shrinks included.

Oh…one more disclaimer: What follows is my (dirty) laundry list of therapy expeditions. I’m not as majorly messed up as this may make me appear. My glitches are fairly textbook, and mostly sorted out. I lived in about seven cities in the same amount of years (I mostly moved for men, which made me a Professional Long Distance Lover. Which, obviously is one of the reasons I needed a new therapist in every town.) And BTW, I’m fixed now. My husband and I live in the same city; same house even.

Here’s what to look for (on the surface) to find a therapist who can go deep with you:

Fashion. Do they care enough to polish up? There was the “Sweat Pant Psychotherapist.” She was always in pre-Lululemon yoga wear. I know listening to people’s problems all day must be strenuous, but, give me a break. Therapy is a special occasion, especially if you’re really in need of it, so a therapist should at least give their patients the respect of changing their outfit after they go to the gym or clean their house.

Footwear. Do they take care of the basics? One therapist was in such desperate need of a pedicure it was utterly distracting. Chipped toes nail and worn-off frosty nail polish, in Teva hiking sandals, no less. Totally gnarly and shabby. If you can’t take care of own feet, can you really take care of my head trips?

Office décor. While one of my failed psychologists was babbling on about “victim and vanquisher” roles I noticed that every single, faded framed poster on her wall was crooked, and I started counting the stains on her love seat. Her stuff was tired, neglected—and so was she. She was too tired to look more closely—at the stains, at her neglected art work, at me. I moved on.

The first 5 minutes: If the therapist spends more than five minutes of your session talking about their credentials and techniques—leave. Unless you ask and want to know, it’s not relevant to your process. One therapist spent the first 30 minutes of our $150 per hour session telling me about her personal course work and methodologies. Because I had some boundary issues at the time (which is why I was there, duh,) I actually paid her the money, knowing then that I’d never go back.

I’ve worked with some masters—incredibly seasoned experts of psychology, and not one of them told me what techniques they employed or whether they were Freudian or Jungian or Gestalt. My most effective therapist started our first session with, “So?”

The bookshelves: Errogenous Zones was a great book…in 1974. If your counselor’s shelf is full of psychology cheese that is overly aged…bye bye. Firstly, you want a therapist who is passionate about the human spirit and is keeping up with current insights and teachings. New books are good signs (see photo above!)

If the surface signs all line up and you get cozy in a shrink’s chair, keep this in mind: Generally, it’s good to feel liked by your therapist. Care of the soul starts with this very basic connection. If you don’t feel that, you can’t open up. Chemistry counts as much as a PhD…and good fashion sense.