Santa isn’t the only one with a list around this time of year. Holidays inspire reflection, and part of that reflection is often the reevaluation of our love lives. Single ladies and fellows may have a list this time of year; I’d like to encourage them to check it twice.

Creating That Soul Mate

At some point, most of us create a list – sometimes on paper, sometimes just in our heads. We brainstorm important qualities we value in a mate. Some lists are very detailed and arranged in order of priority, emphasizing must-haves and deal-breakers. They range from physical attributes to personal habits to religious beliefs. My list emphasized the concept that my dream man must be in the ballpark of my height and though he didn’t have to be a yogi, he had to be open to trying a class – he couldn’t be one of those guys who says yoga is for girls (those types of men seriously need to open up their heart charkas).

Don’t You Want Me, Baby?

My friend Tammie had an extensive list. Cuban, Mexican and Jewish, Tammie would prefer her future husband to both share her faith and speak Spanish. Also — she’d be thrilled if he wore glasses and fuzzy sweaters and had an appreciation for new wave 80’s pop. Over the years, we tried to find Tammie’s husband, resulting in many awkward dates with guys with names like Alejandro Greenberg and Guillermo Schwartz. Now in her thirties, she’s dating a Frenchman — not Jewish — but he adores her and she pointed out that after all, French and Spanish are both romance languages.

I’m not saying the list is a bad thing – If you know what you want in a companion, you won’t waste anybody’s time or break anyone’s heart looking for it. If a woman knows she doesn’t want children and she’s on a date with a guy whose biological alarm clock went off yesterday, it’s probably best for both parties to part ways – I’m suggesting that a list should be a rough draft. One shouldn’t stick so closely to it that they ignore a fantastic person right in front of them or miss an opportunity for love.

Making a List in Invisible Ink

Our lists will shift as we grow. My husband spent a good chunk of his twenties on tour with Phish. If someone pointed out a Phish fan when I was twenty-three, I would have turned up my nose. Ew, next. But now that I’m a semi-adult, I can see the bigger picture. Sadly, I haven’t developed an affinity for half hour live jams, buI love him as a complete person. I appreciate his generous nature, his creativity, his dry sense of humor, and the way he remembers to buy toilet paper and paper towels. He is my favorite yoga buddy.

I propose that single folks keep their lists, but write them in pencil. Or on a chalkboard. So as you grow and change, you can erase or add. Stay true to the must-haves and deal-breakers, but open up to other qualities.

As we become fuller people and appreciate our blessings in life, we may gain new perspective on and open up to different visions of happiness and love.

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