Being a good Catholic Italian girl and wanting to save sex for marriage, at the age of 26 and no proposals on the table, I was still a virgin. When it came to the dating scene, guys thought I was a freak and the only ones who seemed to value my virtue were me, God and Nonna. I still mourn the fact that someone worthy never came along and appreciated my love offering but I couldn’t hold out any longer. My head was going to explode with libidinal energy. So, I decided rather rationally and coolly to finally engage in sexual activity. I had a sulky boyfriend at the time. Fine. An ignoble end to my purity.

Call It Research

I figured I should do my research before I embarked, not wanting to make a fool of myself, even with him. I read a few books and then decided I should get a visual. But where would a girl get such a thing? So after prayer and contemplation, I walked into an x-rated film store with a hood pulled over my head and asked the clerk, “Do you have anything purely instructional?” He gave me three slow solid blinks, as though his eyelids were coated in wax. In a thick accent that betrayed his inability to understand what the hell I was asking he replied, “You want sex tape?” I sighed. How much more painful can this evening get? “Yes. To learn how to do it.” His eyes opened wide. He gave me a quick once over, contemplating offering a personal instructional session no doubt. “All tapes are sex. They show you.”

I went down a long hall into the “den of iniquity”, turned a corner and was punched in the face by explicit hard core covers that gave me STDs and hemorrhoids just looking at it. I quickly grabbed two films that seemed geared towards the orifices I was intending and rushed out the door.

The First Time

At home I got the popcorn maker out, sat on the sofa and observed the tapes with the fast forward button mostly on. It was utterly boring. What a let down. The only thing I learned was that I should scream and swallow. I also learned that this kind of porn does not turn me on in the slightest. Mind you, neither did my boyfriend. We tried twice, I bled, I cried and then I told him to get lost.

Uninhibited Sex

My second lover was the real teacher: a good friend who desired me but never pressured me. I knocked on his door one rainy night and simply announced, “I’d like to have sex with you. Do you mind?” The grin on his face. Priceless. He lead me upstairs. We made love on a loft bed beside a huge aquarium, for hours. As my eyes fluttered open and closed, curious fins and kiss kiss kisses glided by, slippery and wet. Yes. Yes. This is what the big deal is about. It was uninhibited, full of gentle questions and gratifying answers, tenderness, desire. Ah. To this day, I am fond of fish.

Nowadays, instructional DVDs are much more readily available for those who are new at the art of love making and those who want to brush up or expand on their skill set. You can order new or used through Amazon which is a discrete way to get your hands on said articles and a great way to filter out hardcore posing as instructional. Some best sellers seem to be:

• Sex Essentials Videos: Seductive Sex Positions
• Better Sex Video: The Tantric Guide to Better Sex

I noted that reviews on these kinds of things vary widely. Why? Because sexual tastes vary widely. A good sex instructional is the same as a good parenting instructional. Basically it boils down to this:

1. Ask questions, listen, watch. Baby doesn’t always communicate with words
2. Tell babe clearly what you want and set boundaries
3. Give babe lots of affection and positive reinforcement
4. If they’re upset, it’s likely due to one of the following: they’re hungry, they’re tired, they’re not clean or they’re bored

I learned it’s not so much about “tricks” and fancy “positions”; they come naturally in the moment. It’s about being a healthy joyful free loving and respectful human being.

Image by Sheepie Meili.