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“Come back and play with me!” the plaintive voice called out to my two-year-old. Now, that might have been cute if it was his young buddy calling, but in this case it was a toy–a toy that never should have been in our lives to begin with.

Mr. Big Blocks

Our brief (and too-long) relationship with “Mr. Big Blocks” was the curse of my brother’s ex-girlfriend trying to show some goodwill. The toy is an electronic keyboard with light-up keys and pre-programmed rhythms and tunes. It also has a special program that calls out to the child after five minutes of non-use, imploring him to leave whatever new creative activity has captured his imagination and come back to this plastic dominatrix.

The only thing worse than the toy is the fact that the ex selected it for our family. Yes, it was nice that she thought of us, and yes, she did honor our interest in music, but the gift showed a total lack of respect for our values and our intentional parenting path. She even acknowledged it in the card:

“I know you don’t like plastics or electronics or light-up toys, but I just couldn’t resist.”

What Do We Do with a Lame Toy?

Since she was on her way out of the family, we were able to just send a thank-you and leave it at that. But with relatives who will always be in our lives, there is a delicate balance between being polite and educating others about our values and perspectives. We quietly threw away the big vat of bubble gum from an aunt last year without telling her and then faced the same problem and the exact same bubble gum again this year. Perhaps if we had gently let her know our qualms about bubble gum and redirected her loving intentions, this year she could have found something that would bring joy.

Ultimately, who was she trying to please–our family, or herself? If she had truly wanted to give a gift that would work in our household, she would have found a wooden recorder or a marimba set or something similar…a gift that would fit into our family’s focus on natural toys that encourage creativity and toys that call to the child with opportunity, not with a badly recorded electronic voice.

Trash It

In this real example, keeping the ghastly toy was not an option. In the long run, it is healthier for us to maintain consistency in our home and playroom rather than have a few oddball toys that send a conflicting message to our children (and our relatives).

Something as powerful as Mr. Big Blocks had to go right away. Some other toys can simply be put further back on the shelf, then quietly removed. Batteries can run out quickly and not be replaced.

What to Tell the Kids

Luckily, our toddler was young enough that the toy could just disappear, but this is not the case with older children (or, some would argue, even with toddlers). We increasingly find ourselves explaining our beliefs to our children and listening to their reasons for wanting to keep the toys. Sometimes, we come to an agreement that the toy would be better suited for another family, and sometimes we unfortunately have to force the decision on them and explain that it is our responsibility to guide them and create a healthy environment.

No matter how we explain it, we always honor the intention of the gift-giver: that person loves you enough to give you a gift and just has a different understanding about what children need than our family does. They are not wrong–they just missed the boat this time.

Think Before You Give

Finally, if we hope to have our values respected, we need to equally respect other families’ values in our gift-giving. Let’s all strive to give gifts that fit into their respective households. They need to respect the receiving family’s values and needs, not just the giver’s. A true gift of the heart is one that listens to and touches the heart of the receiver.

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