Do NOT get a tattoo. Just don’t do it. Nine times out of ten it’s a regrettable act of stupidity. Resist the urge.
You’re still reading this?
STILL hankering for some ink?
Good. You passed the test.
If you insist (and you had better want a tattoo enough to INSIST on it, then proceed to #1.)
8 THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN GETTING A TATTOO
1. Tats are a big damn deal. They last longer the many marriages and all mortgages. Be thoughtful. Please, I’m saying this as a minister of inspiration and authenticity: get something that actually means something to you. Is Mickey Mouse on your ass or a unicorn on your ankle the best moniker your Higher Self? That tribal arm band…what tribe you from, sister? If you’re getting a tat to be cool, as a right of passage—okay—I get that. Just dig deeper than the flash art available in most tattoo parlors. Good rule of thumb: think about a specific tattoo design for one year. If you still LOVE it, go for it.
2. It’s bad luck to tattoo your boyfriend’s name on your ass. Yes, it is from experience that I speak. I thought Seattle Boy’s signature on my bootie would rock his world (never mind that he was legally blind and I would actually have to read my butt with his glasses on to get the uh, message. Love can be…stupid, like most tattoos.) Just as the tattooist is about to put the needle down he looks up at me and says, “You know, this is the kiss of death. Your relationship is like, so doomed.”
“Shut up and brand me,” I said with conviction. I had my bags packed about three months after that.
3. Tattooists are generally arrogant, intimidating, secretly-sensitive artists. I have seven tattoos (most of which I regret, a few of which I adore,) all from different artists. Most of them scared the shit out of me. Firstly, while it’s a life-changing event for you, it’s just another gig for them—they will put their 100% best into their art, but if you want a cake and candles for your big day, forget it. They’ve seen every stupid, masterpiece-worthy design that’s ever been inked. As my first tattoo artist quipped to me, “Quit yer grinnin’ and drop yer linen.” End of creative discussion.
4. Bearing in mind the aforementioned, stand your ground. Be particular. Risk being annoying. If you don’t feel “heard” by the artist, leave. It takes some moxy to walk out on a pierced punk with FTW on his neck—but you won’t regret it.
5. The best tattoo artists are worth the wait. Just like hairstylists and good lovers. And the best ones are good listeners.
6. Don’t get tattooed when you’re drunk. Not because it’s utterly dumb, but because alcohol thins your blood and you’ll bleed more.
7. Yes, it hurts. Imagine a scrapping a hot needle across your flesh, firmly and repeatedly. That’s about what it feels like. For pain management I use this technique: I clench wads of tissue in each hand (because my palms start to sweat), I chew a pack of Juicy Fruit gum and I say over and over to myself: This will be over and it will be so worth it.
8. Tattoos can be life affirming, flesh-honoring symbols that celebrate your truth and remind you of who you truly are. Go sacred or go home.
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