You’ve come a long way, baby.

We most certainly have. Powerful female role models, (relatively) equal pay, televised tampon commercials, and the freedom to wear pants. On top of it all, the ability to pursue a career — any career. We’re supposed to embrace that freedom and power, carve out own way in the world, make our own money. All by ourselves. Without help, and surely, without the help of a man.

I will leave the serious dissertations on modern feminism to others — the justification of the housewife, the resurgence of the stay at home mom, being valued for cherishing the role of mothers, placing family above career… That is an ideological debate on values, femininity, freedom of choice, and power.

This article is on money.

While I embrace my self-reliant, self-assured Alpha Woman ideal, allow me to fantasize about “the good life” and play devil’s advocate for a moment.

Marry For Money?

Go ahead, scoff at your Anna Nicole Smiths, your Heather Millses, your Kevin Federlines. But let’s have a look at the positive side. After all, marrying for money can’t be all bad, can it?

For starters, you can quit your day job. Come on, you know you want to. Unless you’re in some wildly fantastic position like Oprah or Jennifer Lopez or Hilary Clinton, you’re probably in a less-than-perfect professional scenario. Well, now that you’ve married Mr. Big, you can finally tell your boss what time it is. Besides, isn’t working overrated and unnatural? Imagine having the choice between lounging on the beach drinking Mai Tais, or sitting in your uncomfortable, non-ergonomic chair in a stuffy office with mediocre coffee and hospital lighting. Which would you prefer?

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So here’s one of my early New Year Resolutions, along with eating chocolate and laughing more – I’m going to write more love letters to my partner.

The thing is that he was asked what it was like to be married to a writer the other day. “She’s very good at shopping lists,” he said. It made us laugh, but I got to thinking when was the last time I wrote something just for him. Although, hmmm, we’re both English, and everybody knows we don’t “do” emotion terribly well. This could all get a bit embarrassing. Better not to commit anything to paper, just in case.

If you’re hesitant to put your feelings to your partner down on paper, just watch this video of Lakshmi Pratury talking about how valuable her legacy of hand-written letters from her father is to her. Nothing means more than something written just for you. Remember how in the Sex And The City film, it wasn’t other people’s love letters Carrie wanted to read, it was the words Big managed to say, finally, from the heart.

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It is the season of endings and beginnings. I look out my window and most of the trees are bare. Yet two oak trees stand with their tenacious dried and brown leaves rustling in the wind. Every year, these leaves hang on for dear life through the winter. Sometime around April, when the new buds begin to appear, they quietly make their solitary trip down to the ground. What are they holding on to? Or is the tree simply unwilling to let go? What must it be like to look around at the bare landscape and know that their fellow foliage made different choices?

These trees remind me of some of the couples that I coach. Their situation looks bleak and yet they are holding on. There is the memory of who they were. There is the dream of who they were going to become. Relationships are mysterious and magical and often coaching moves the couple to a new place that the evanescent leaves can never hope to go. A place of stability and permanence. Are you in a relationship that is holding on?

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Early in my married life, I once enlisted a grocery stockboy to help me count the number of types of yogurt on display. Brand, flavor, size, animal, organic… there were 265 varieties at this one store. “This is why marriages fail,” I told him. “I have a one in 265 chance of getting this right.” At that moment, right on cue, my wife caught up, looked at the yogurt in my hand, and exclaimed, “Non-fat yogurt?! Have you ever tasted non-fat yogurt?!”

The first true “nag” of our marriage was a funny public event that we still laugh about 10 years later. But the idea of nagging can be anything but funny. I’m 41 years old, have run large non-profit organizations, yet am seemingly incapable of buying the correct dairy products.

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Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh!” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” – A.A. Milne



Carrie says: The Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. Both my husband and my favorite relationship book, (yes! he actually read it!) Whether you have a concern in your marriage or just want a tweak, read this book. The message is, instead of trying to get someone to love you, become someone capable of loving. Bottom line is: be yourself, trust yourself and then connect to someone. A process called Differentiation; learning to balance your individuality, authentic self with being a couple truly resonated.
 



Danielle says: The Missing Piece Meets The Big O, by children’s writer, Shel Silverstein. With a simple story and a few line drawings, Silverstein teaches that being complete unto yourself is the best way to find lasting love. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver is truly excellent. It doesn’t matter if you’re married - it’s a primer for healthy relating (it really deserves a better title.) I never thought I’d say this about a relationship book, but it’s so good because it’s based on data - thousands of hours in Gottman’s “love lab” analysing couples. “The Four Horseman of the Apolcalypse in Relationships” is a big eye opener. And guess what? Great relationships have very little to do with communication techniques - and everything to do with building a friendship.
 

Find out what Danielle has in common with June Cleaver