One of the best ways to be a good friend is to give good advice. Many of us know somebody whose name pops up when we have a conundrum we simply cannot tackle on our own. There is something about certain people – perhaps a lot of life experience or some innate wisdom – that makes them excellent advice givers.

For others, Mr. Miyagi-style advice does not always come naturally. Trying to assess and help solve somebody else’s problems might seem like a cruel practical joke in light of all the things in your own life you’ve yet to master.

Either way, when a friend comes to you in need, it’s time to get over insecurities. And even if you consider yourself the Oprah of your social group, there are a few elements to the art of advice giving that can make the exchange positive for you and your friend.

Listen First, Speak Second

Listen. This means, first of all, making sure you are in a position to be an active listener. If a friend calls when the timing is bad for you, say so. The more desperate the situation sounds, the more important it is that you be an eager listener. Check your attitude, which can be a distraction if you’re not having the best day yourself. You want to be sure what you hear comes through a filter of reason and compassion, not business, exhaustion or selfishness.

Active listening involves making sure you properly understand the situation you’re being asked to comment on. Repeat what you think you’ve heard to make sure you’re giving the best advice possible. It doesn’t hurt to clarify:

• “Are you saying you think she’s been reporting you to the boss behind your back?”

• “So are trying to decide whether to tell him, or just how to say it when you do?”

Making sure you are truly ready to listen, and that you’re clear on what you’re hearing, will ensure a much more fruitful gab session for you and your friend.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hindsight wisdom, warnings or proclamations to your younger self…



Carrie says: Have a baby. There is no such thing as the right time. Ask for help. Say yes to travel, to music and parties.
 



Danielle says: You have all the time in the world. Go to New York. Walk away sooner. Your feelings are EVERYTHING. That mustard yellow leather jacket does nothing for you.
 

It is the season of endings and beginnings. I look out my window and most of the trees are bare. Yet two oak trees stand with their tenacious dried and brown leaves rustling in the wind. Every year, these leaves hang on for dear life through the winter. Sometime around April, when the new buds begin to appear, they quietly make their solitary trip down to the ground. What are they holding on to? Or is the tree simply unwilling to let go? What must it be like to look around at the bare landscape and know that their fellow foliage made different choices?

These trees remind me of some of the couples that I coach. Their situation looks bleak and yet they are holding on. There is the memory of who they were. There is the dream of who they were going to become. Relationships are mysterious and magical and often coaching moves the couple to a new place that the evanescent leaves can never hope to go. A place of stability and permanence. Are you in a relationship that is holding on?

Read the rest of this entry »

If you have ever bought a house, planned a wedding, taken a vacation, changed careers, or made other major decisions, you have most likely been faced with enthusiastic friends and family members who start a conversation with these words:

You Know What You Should Do?

You probably have also heard plenty of people say you have to (try someone else’s favorite restaurant) or you are going to love (someone else’s favorite movie or book). My personal favorite is “you know what you need?” in regards to your health, your relationship, your personal time.

When someone asks “do you know what you need?” they are usually saying I know what you need and I’m about to tell you.

Why Unwanted Advice is Annoying

Unwanted advice is annoying because there is an assumption made that you do not know what you need, what you want, what you should do, and you need to be told by someone else. That doesn’t feel very good.

Beyond annoying, unwanted advice is distancing. If you stopped giving unwanted advice, it could revolutionize your relationships. If other people stopped giving you unwanted advice, you might feel more respect and compassion for those people.

In my work as a life coach, I witness the magic that happens when people feel listened to. We all know what we need, if we take the time to listen to ourselves. Having someone else really listen to what is true for you feels wonderful. It feels like you are trusted and capable. It is empowering to share our perspective and to be heard.

At the heart of this is one very important step that everyone giving unsolicited advice is missing:

Read the rest of this entry »

My psychologist is hot for my husband, I’m sure of it. We have decided to go to couples therapy. This is our first visit, and I’m losing.

She knows we are here at the geneticist’s suggestion after our child died of a chromosomal disorder. But that’s not why I’m here. I have other issues with our marriage. I list them off, typical sordid couple fare: money, sex, parenting, and whose turn it is to walk the dogs. I start my monologue in a clinical tone but soon spiral into teary blubbering, ending with a self pitying remark about being “too soft” to handle this relationship.

Silence. Tough crowd. I’m not even offered a tissue.

My husband is asked to speak. He has a beautiful rich calm voice and he’s incredibly articulate. It’s like Eckhart Tolle has invaded his body. He’s agreed to come to couples therapy. That wins him big points right there. He does not counter, he does not blame. He is saddened and shocked at how upset I am. He’s willing to do anything to keep our love alive in this marriage. And he’s wearing that blue shirt that brings out his shockingly light eyes. Great. Don’t I look like the ungrateful turd?

Read the rest of this entry »