(and why too much talk therapy is…too much talk therapy.)

I firmly believe in the reincarnation model of life. It’s a fundamental tenant of Buddhism and metaphysics that works for me. Apparently, one third of the US population feels the same way.

And while I’m outing my paradigms, I also believe in extraterrestrial intelligence and that Jim Morrison is alive. Seriously. (Jim, if you’re reading this, call me, man. I can totally make time in my schedule to be your muse.)

We are the sum total of our experience. And undeniably, it is our past – as well as our essential spirit - that informs our character, whether that past is recent or centuries gone by. The altered state a-ha’s I’ve had about life B.D. (Before Danielle) have explained a lot about my fears and strengths. Same goes for the all the excavations in therapy for this life time.

What happened in your childhood or another life informs patterns in your current reality. It is essential to whole living that you source the cause of your pain, your hang ups, your neurosis. But sooner or later, you’ve simply got to get over using yesterday to explain today’s behavior.

Get over it.

For most of us who had normally dysfunctional upbringings (I’m not talking about suffering exceptional atrocities,) our past is no excuse to continue being a flake, a tyrant, obnoxiously needy, or a rage-babe. Look, we’re all terrific for going to therapy, for having past life insights, and reading Wayne Dyer. Yeah! for the New Age. Really. But knowing why you’re so screwed up is only half the journey.

“My father never told me I’m pretty, so now I’m fat.”
“I was a pilgrim burned at the stake so now I’m afraid to voice my opinions.”
“My mother was overly emotional so I suppress my feelings.”

I once dated a guy who thought he was Joe Enlightened because he’d done enough time in therapy (I guess two hours is along time for some people) to know that his parents’ affair-riddled marriage rendered him commitment-phobic. (Duh. Dr. Phil could have told you that.) “Sweets, I’m just repeating my father’s behavior, it’s deep stuff.” Like I care why you’re a two timing narcissist. Maybe a few more hours of therapy would have unearthed the courage in him to be a good boyfriend. I’ll take faithful over self-helped any day.

Therapy, yes. Strategy, yes.

It is immensely, undeniably valuable to excavate the origin of your fear and your pain. It’s down right essential. But when you start using that awareness as an excuse to stay stuck, you become the worst kind of victim. This is one of the potential problems with talk therapy. The rehashing of who-done-you-wrong and how it screwed you up could be better spent on making a plan to take full responsibility for creating a future that does right by your tremendous potential. I think after some incredible therapy, most people could do with a kick-butt life coach that helps them strategize and be accountable to their dreams.

An acquaintance and I were talking about her relationship with her step dad. It was no secret that they’d had a rough ride and there had been plenty said and done to make them both bitter. She was now working for him. I saw them laughing together, being affectionate, respectful.

“So…what changed?” I asked her. “You two were barely speaking at one point.”
“We just decided to get over it, she shrugged. “You know, just let it go. So we did.”

Maybe enlightenment is a decision that has little to do with the past.