I believe in unconventional weight-loss. Not that I advocate deranged methods like only eating when hanging upside down, or whatever, just that most typical weight-loss regimes stem from masochistic deprivation and obsessive calorie counting, or absurdly false promises: “I lost twenty pounds in four days!” which can only effectively be accomplished with the help of an army of intestinal worms.

So I say: if conventional weight-loss methods worked, everyone would be thin. How do I know this? What makes me an expert? Nothing. I’m not an expert at all. But I do read stupid amounts of articles about this, am healthy and this is what I do. So I share. You’re welcome.

1. Sugar Detox. I know, many people think that giving up sugar is nothing less than deranged, but you really only have to try it for three days to know how bad it is for you. The sugar, that is, not the giving it up.

2. Eat in Reverse. In my Weapons of Ass-Reduction post, I recommended eating in reverse; making breakfast your biggest meal and gradually cutting back. You’ll get over the weirdness of eating lamb-souvlaki for breakfast when you realize you’ve got a lot more energy during the day. And a bowl of cereal with yogurt, blueberries and Grape Nuts just might help you sleep because your stomach isn’t groaning. (I tested this last night by gorging at Swiss Chalet - I am still paying for it. I might actually be clucking.)

3. Kill Your T.V. Okay, don’t actually “kill” it (but if you do, please videotape it and send it to us - that would absolutely make my day!).

I ranted about the news-that-isn’t-news of kids eating more if they’re in front of the TV. It’s not just kids. It’s all of us. But it needs to go a step further. This didn’t really flesh out the idea of mindful eating. This is where the ritual comes in.

4. Ritualize Your Meals. Breaking bread is sacred. It was how we welcomed a visitor, bonded, celebrated. It was also one of the reasons they didn’t need Weight Watchers in Bethlehem. (Maybe they did - I AM just speculating, but there’s only so many olives you can eat, right?)

When you are mindful, you eat well. You eat with your senses and your mind. I think of it as bonding with my family, but the side-effect is a healthier weight. (Let me clarify: bonding over a bucket of KFC each night isn’t reeeeally what I had in mind.)

We are not a religious family. But we do say grace. That is, it had to be one that was meaningful to us, and one that a six-year-old could recite coherently. We wrote a simple one. This is it:

“May we be grateful for food and family and mindful of the needs of others.”

Amen.

Recommended reading:Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen