Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet — Vietnamese Proverb

I have been blessed with four gorgeous children: Three girls, Jaimie (almost six), Jordhan (four) and baby Sophie (six months) as well as a feisty little boy, Xander (two). Jaimie struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

SPD is a neurological disorder where the brain takes in sensory messages from the environment through the sensory organs but can’t process them properly. Because Jaimie’s brain isn’t able to read these messages effectively, it can cause confusion and she can become overwhelmed.

The signature of SPD is a child’s highly sensitive senses, which make getting close to them quite challenging; especially for a little sister or brother who only wants to hang out with their older sister. Jaimie’s most sensitive areas are olfactory (smell) and tactile (touch). This means that a simple gesture of affection, such as a hug, can actually feel painful, and if you smell “funny” to her, she won’t let you get anywhere near her. So, how can a sibling relationship flourish with a child with special needs? Slowly, gently and with a lot of patience and love.

Allow me to share how we’ve helped our children develop close sibling bonds despite a barrier of sensory struggles.

Establish Building Blocks

Those of us with more than one child know that including the older sibling in the flurry of baby excitement often eases their anxiety. We got Jaimie to pick the outfits each of her younger siblings came home from the hospital in, and we encouraged her to talk to them while each of them were in my tummy and even got her to choose little things for their cribs.

One of the most precious moments was when we got Jaimie to “hold” Jordhan. She sat down in her foam Tigger chair and we put Jordhan in her lap. The picture we took of them together is framed and on Jaimie’s bookshelf. We didn’t even need to encourage her to do the same with Xander or Sophie—she asked to hold each of them.

Encourage Play In the Quiet Times

Jordhan rarely cried—which was a bonus for us—but when she did, Jaimie covered her ears with her hands and screeched. She couldn’t deal with Jordhan touching her unless she initiated it and couldn’t deal with Jordhan’s “baby smells”—not just the dirty diapers but also the smell of the formula, the drool-laced pacifier or even Jordhan’s natural smell.

One morning after Jordhan was clean, dry and baby powder fresh, I laid her down on a blanket then encouraged Jaimie to lay beside her. Jaimie was apprehensive at first but after while ventured over and laid down. Pretty soon she felt brave enough to touch and hold Jordhan’s little hands, play with her feet and even roll around with her. Jaimie even got Jordhan to giggle for the first time.

Encouraging siblings to be around one another in the quiet times—just enjoying each other’s company—is a wonderful way to develop and nurture the sibling bond.

Offering Comfort

Children have a natural instinct to comfort others. Sometimes if Jordhan fussed, and Jaimie’s symptoms weren’t too bad, Jaimie climbed up beside me and either rubbed Jordhan’s back or stroked her silky hair while rocking with me. When Jaimie helped me soothe Jordhan, it took no time at all to get Jordhan happy again. And Jordhan got to return the favor when she got a bit older.

Whenever Jaimie becomes too overwhelmed, Jordhan is the only one who Jaimie allows to get close enough to offer comfort. Most times, Jordhan is the only one Jaimie will allow to hug her. Jordhan will wrap her tiny arms around her big sister and say, “I here for you, Jaimie. No cry.”

Children don’t need to be prompted to be there for their siblings. They simply need to be encouraged to keep it going. This also helps children learn empathy for others and be respectful of other people’s feelings.

Teaching to Respect Boundaries

Children don’t always have the social or verbal expertise to express their needs. But we can show them how their actions affect their siblings so they begin to understand what to do—or what not to do—the next time. Becoming tuned to other people’s reactions to their actions also helps children learn to recognize social cues—which Jaimie has difficulty with. Practicing these skills with Jordhan, Xander and Sophie has helped her tremendously in other social situations.

Teaching Them To Use Their Voice

It’s a given that siblings will fight now and again. Parents can intervene when they hear volumes rise and assist in reaching a suitable agreement. But, after a while, siblings need to learn to work things out on their own. That means parents must step back once in awhile and let siblings try to resolve their own fight.

Jaimie explodes from serenity to rage in seconds and, once there, she’s difficult to bring back down. Usually if I start the resolution process with, “Jaimie, you need to lower your voice and explain to Jordy what’s wrong so she understands.” Jaimie will do her best to verbalize. Reminding them to use their voices—calmly—and talk things out gets them back to fun times soon enough.

Jaimie is almost six and a proud older sister. She’s practiced the skills she’s learned with Jordhan, Xander and Sophie and has since been brave enough to practice them with other children. For the first time in her life, she’s allowing herself to reach out and make friends.

Now, if you ask Jaimie who her best friends are, she’ll stand a little taller and say, “My bestest friends are Jenna across the street, Jordhan, Xander and baby Sophie. I love them.”