My little cousin, Katie, (that’s her and her man, Alec on the left,) is having a baby this fall. I’ve recommended the best birthin’ books, offered my opinions on co-sleeping, circumcision, and baby slings. In the first few months of motherhood, I often thought, “Why didn’t someone tell me about this?” So here’s my attempt at more unsolicited potentially enriching advice:

Sleeping is A Political Act
Who knew that “co-sleeping,” a.k.a. sleeping with your kid was such a contentious issue? I quickly found out that it’s better to talk about sex and religion at dinner parties because parents are freakin’ freaky about “The Family Bed.” There are two camps: Rightwing Sleepers who think that sleeping with your infant is dangerous…you’ll never get them out of your bed…it’s unhealthy (as in kinda creepy)…babies belong in cribs. And the Leftwing Sleepers who feel that people have been safely nestling their babies since the beginning of time…it’s some of the best nourishment your baby can receive…cribs are cages.

My husband and I swung to the Left of the slumber philosophy. We were family bedders and proud of it. We suspected that some of our kinfolk were itchin’ to tell us that we were new age flakes who were conditioning our child to be a clingy suck. We paid them no mind. We had an exceptionally happy monkey, which we accredited in part to round-the-clock closeness. [For more on it's virtues, check out Dr. Sears - great stuff.]

You Will Resent Your Male Partner for Not Being Able to Produce Breast Milk
I married a wonderful hunk of a man. He’s a Firefighter/Massage Therapist who bakes bread on Sundays…yep, he’s a total catch. But my adoration would be tested in the face of my exhaustion. At about four a.m. when the baby would waa-waa for to feed for the third time that night, just two feet away, my betrothed slept contentedly, snoring under his side of the duvet (my side was soggy with breast milk). I would glare at his handsome face, the face of our provider and hero, and for no reason other than the fact the he was sleeping, I’d think to myself, “whatta prick.”

How can a man fully comprehend a new mother’s havoc of hormones and bone-racking fatigue? He can’t. Once I came to grips with that fact, and fully celebrated my ability to lactate and nurture new life, the resentment made way for gratitude.

Sleep Deprivation Is Hallucinogenic
There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used to torture prisoners of war. It works. It effectively makes you crazy. You lose half of your vocabulary, most of your memory, and the majority of your sex drive. My state of mind slush for the first six months was reminiscent of some great mushroom trips. When I decided to roll with the silly slur of confusion and bag my to-do list something amazing happened: my creativity rose up. I started getting some truly inspired ideas. I learned that even without a fully functioning brain, I was an interesting person to be around. And I confirmed for myself that women are, without a doubt, astonishingly durable, kick-ass amazing.

You May Experience Some Very Private Vanity
(Note: if you’re male, there’s really no reason to read this. Skip to the next paragraph. Go on now.)
Strangely enough, when it comes to birth, no one really talks about their vaginas. Funny that. The vag plays a significant role in getting knocked up and giving birth. We had a midwife supported home birth. No complications. Ultimately blissful. But I did tear and required a few stitches - which my nurse/midwife attended to then and there.

It took me three weeks after giving birth to consider heading south. One morning in the shower, I gingerly perused my tenderness. I felt the prickly knot of stitches and the crooked scar forming. A ripped vagina. A scorched rose. Even tho’ I knew I’d be healed up sooner than later, I cried a deep sobbing cry. I grieved the loss of perfection. And then, I decided to wear that scar like all my others…with pride.

The Party’s Over Here!
What I know now – without a doubt - is that kids are the exclamation point of life. But in my single ‘n sassy days I’d see children and think, “Eeeshk, cumbersome little buggers, aren’t they?” If I’d known how truly and deeply delightful it is to have a child, I may have eased up on the worldly ambitions and flushed The Pill sooner. Where I once saw hassle, I now experience honor and reward. I still have other goals to realize, but the world can wait while we sing another round of Wiggly Woo and walk the extra block to find bug.

Your Heart Grows To The Most Incredible Proportions
“What did my heart do before this love?”
- Sylvia Plath
Other-worldly, heart-exploding, mind-melding. The span of a mother’s love cannot be contained by words. I felt love for my son before he was born, but when he arrived, every cell in my being rushed forward to embrace him in light. It is a force of humanity that has rendered my life positively worthwhile. The fierceness of devotion, the transcendental tenderness. Beyond time and space, I feel he has lived in my heart forever. And, how could anyone else tell you about that?