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Do you know this scenario?

“I’m with a man, maybe even the man I love. I want affection, but as soon as the clothes start coming off, as soon as he reaches for me…I tense up. I try to ignore it, maybe drink too much, maybe rush, maybe even try to keep the lights either on or off, but I keep getting flashbacks of those “other” big hands, those “other” invading legs, that “other” stench in my nostrils. Fear overwhelms me and I can’t relax, let alone orgasm. I don’t want to reject my partner, he’s the one I want to be with. But my body thinks I’m with the enemy and I have an impulse to scream, kick, curl up and cry.”

I am not an expert writing to you. I am a survivor. This is how I reclaimed my sexuality.

1] I sought professional counseling. My first therapist was through a church organization, and though a compassionate listener, she was not trained. We simply ended up opening the can of worms and then letting them squirm. The second therapist I sought was a registered psychologist who practiced EMDR. We addressed the past without dwelling on it and she gave me tools to deal with the present: flashbacks, sensations, triggers, relationship dynamics and so forth.

2] I allowed myself space. I chose a year of celibacy. I have known friends who have done this in a marriage. It’s a difficult choice but for some of us, it is necessary. A loving partner will understand it is an integral part of the healing process and worth the wait.

3] I connected with a higher power. This will mean different things for different people. For me, this was exploring the Feminine Devine, the Female Christ, through the Christian mystics. During this time in my life Our Mother felt safer than Our Father and it connected my sexuality up with something endless, boundless and strong.

4] I reclaimed my naked body. I allowed myself to get used to the idea of being naked without it being solely sexual. I’d walk around the house, lounge in a bath, sleep nude. I’d look at myself in the mirror, getting used to myself. I did a nude photo shoot which turned my body into a work of art.

5] I explored my sensuality. I explored my senses, allowing myself to enjoy texture, taste, sound…through fabrics, cuisine, walks in nature, exquisite music. I awakened my body in different ways that were completely in my control and non-sexual.

6] I reclaimed my orgasm. Masturbation can be dangerous territory for someone who has been sexually violated. The last thing I wanted to do was bring up a bad memory while alone. I had forgotten what an enjoyable orgasm was like. But I knew deep down, I wanted to reclaim this part of my person. One day I won a strange contest: I was given the gift of a high end, quiet, small, little purple finger clip vibrator. What can I say? God works in mysterious ways. There was nothing penile about it. It was completely non-threatening. I gave it a shot one day. I was able to stimulate my clitoris quickly without time or need for my mind to drift into fantasy which can open me up to flashbacks. I was able to climax in broad day light, in my room, sitting, with my eyes open, holding onto the corner of my dresser, tapping it if necessary. This kept me present, grounded and gave me a feeling of control and safety. Let me tell you. I had a rocking good time, a number of times! It was a revelation to me. It was so powerful to connect to my nerve centre like that. To know I could do this fabulous thing for myself without the pressure of having anyone else there.

7] I retrained my mind. I slowly introduced the idea of the male body back into my fantasies in any way that made me feel safe. For a while it was just the thought of his mouth, his hands, his chest. Eventually I was able to think of his legs, his arms, his penis, and not feel as though these things were a weapon, but parts of his body that were equally as sensitive and vulnerable as mine. It also helped me to talk to a few male survivors of sexual abuse, as sad as those stories were. It made me realize that men can be just as vulnerable as a woman when it comes to sexuality.

Now, a few years later, I am completely uninhibited in bed and feel absolutely comfortable and safe with my sexuality. I no longer get any negative sensations of fear or shame and no more flashbacks. I enjoy a man’s body fully: it’s a beautiful thing. When you’re in the middle of healing, it can seem impossible that a place of wholeness will ever be yours again. But trust me, it can be. Bless you on your journey.