Sixteen years after my grandpa’s death, my grandmother is still Mrs. Donald Simmons. When she got married, she gave up her own name, assuming his name and her role as his wife. Society nodded in approval.

The Reasoning Behind the Thought

Two generations later, we men don’t have it so easy. The truth is, most of us would still like to maintain our patriarchal dominance in family names, but for different reasons than you might expect. My pragmatic reasons include:

- it’s easier to identify me and my relations (on paper, in group introductions, etc.) as a family

- there’s a simpler identity for the children

- it’s easier to fit the single last name on soccer jerseys, registration forms, etc.

But I won’t lie–there is also the “continuation of the line” motivation. Whether I’m proud or embarrassed of my ancestry, I sure don’t want the family name to end here. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing–an extension or intellectualization of the root instinct to propagate my genetic inheritance. I don’t know the specific reason, but I do know that it matters to me.

I Might Be a Caveman, But…

As modern and “evolved” as we like to think we are, we’ve still only come halfway. We might accept or even embrace the fairness of a hyphenated name, kids with different last names, or a wife keeping a professional identity. But for a man to take her name–that doesn’t even come to the bargaining table. Come hyphen or high water, somehow my family name is going to live on as at least part of the equation (and presumably the first of the hyphenated names, if that’s what it comes to).

I had pretty much accepted that any woman brave enough to marry me would also expect to keep her own name. Imagine my surprise when Sarah actually wanted to assume my hard-to-spell-and-even-harder-to-pronounce Swedish moniker. She liked the name, liked the family, and embraced the idea of fully becoming part of the clan. And she had the confidence I apparently lack to know that she could do so without in any way betraying or letting down her own family history and legacy.

She didn’t have to do this. As a semi-evolved man, I was begrudgingly prepared to accept a hyphen or even a clever morphing of our names. But deep down, there’s a caveman in me that wanted my family’s name to “win” and wanted the convenience of a single name for all of us. I’m not proud of that. It evokes feelings of failure, a lack of full acceptance of equality, and a lack of strength to overcome the historical drive for dominance. I stand guilty as accused in Tammy Wynette’s country classic: “After all, he’s just a man.”

Of Course You Can Keep Your Name…

Every time I hear my partner introduce herself with our family name, I am honored by her gift and humbled by her strength. But I also have to accept that I got what I wanted: the pragmatic convenience of a single name and the primal satisfaction that it’s my name.

Maybe somehow we can inspire our boys to go a step further in recognizing that women have the same right to pride in their names. Maybe they’ll be just as ready and reluctant to give up their family name. But for now, ladies, please accept that when we say “Of course she doesn’t have to change her name,” many of us are secretly whispering, “but I sure hope she does, cause I ain’t gonna.”

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