I always considered my parenting style to be quite playful, or, if you prefer, childish and it’s something I used to worry about—parenting should be a serious business, shouldn’t it? Until I read Lawrence J. Cohen’s incredible book, Playful Parenting.

It not only made me feel quite smug about my own parenting (I’ve barely found a situation that can’t be improved my making my son Harry, now 4, laugh), but also gave me tactics for dealing with the more difficult issues that arise the older Harry gets.

Happily, Larry Cohen was kind enough to outline the basics for me here.

Can you explain the principals of Playful Parenting?

The basic principle of Playful Parenting is to “get down on the floor” and join children in their world. For young children, that means literally getting on the floor, on their level, and getting into a mind-set of play, where time flows differently than it does for us grownups, and where it is o.k. to lose your dignity and be a bit silly and goofy.

The next principle is to always go after connection—parenting is all about connection, inevitable disconnections, and reconnections. Play is the best way to get back to reconnection, but the other great ways are: listening to a child, understanding the feelings underneath their behavior, setting aside some time for them where we aren’t distracted by work or dinner or siblings, rough housing playfully, holding them when they are sad or upset.

What if you’re just not a playful person? Or just don’t feel like playing?

Some people are naturals at this, but everyone can practice and learn it. I was not a natural, but people don’t believe that now, because I have given myself LOTS of practice. Sometimes when we don’t feel like playing we need to take care of ourselves and rejuvenate and refresh (but have you ever noticed that the things we often do to rejuvenate—like TV or alcohol—actually give us less energy?). But sometimes we need to just push ourselves and play anyway. You’ll actually give yourself energy by throwing yourself into play, and your child will really appreciate it, which will make your relationship better, which will mean they are more cooperative, which will make you less exhausted and more playful—see how it all works together?

Are there any situations in which being playful just isn’t appropriate?

Certainly. When a child is very upset—whether they are scared or angry or sad—they need comfort and listening and support, empathy and understanding, before they can settle back into play. It doesn’t usually help to try to cajole a child into feeling something different than they are feeling—it is best to join with them by connecting on that deep emotional level. Then later, there’s lots of room for play.

What if the child is not in a playful place? Having a tantrum, for example?

The answer to tantrums is very long (there’s about 20 pages or more in my book, I can’t really summarize it all, but attempts to play in the midst of a tantrum will usually be rejected (and rightly so). We need to acknowledge their feelings, help them “regain their brain”. In a tantrum, or any very strong feeling state, the frontal cortex part of the brain is “offline.” That’s the part responsible for logic, thought, reasoning, verbal conversation. Before that part can come back online, the child needs to be comforted, understood, needs to feel safe and secure. Then he or she can talk or play again.

What about behavior charts and time outs? Aren’t they useful in addressing unpleasant behavior?

I haven’t found them terribly helpful, though some parents like them because it helps them be clear and consistent, which is always good. Playful Parenting does not mean “anything goes” or throw away schedules and expectations. On the contrary, a child who feels fulfilled, well connected with parents and siblings, and respected (the things that flow out of Playful Parenting), will be more cooperative and you’ll be better able to provide much-needed structure.

What if a child isn’t interested in traditional play—my son is obsessed with the computer and TV—how do you handle that?

We have to make ourselves more interesting as playthings and playmates than the TV, which can be hard. If we just whine at them to turn it off and do something more constructive, they’ll just ignore us and whine back (naturally). So we have to not just unplug it but meet them with enough enthusiasm and delight to match their skepticism about life without so much screentime. That doesn’t mean fancy toys and tickets to shows, it means pillow fights and bike rides and all that—but if we sit and stare at the computer or watch TV while telling them not to, they are going to quite understandably tune us out.

If parents were to do just one thing differently, what should that be?

Lighten up a little bit! I find that many parents today are anxious and worried. Maybe they are worried about safety, or about their child’s academic achievement, or about their ability to share and be a good friend. These are all very important! But the best route to get children there is to relax, have fun, let them play, play along side them sometimes (not all the time, but some of the time), let development unfold. As an excellent recent book says in its title: Einstein did not use flash cards!

Are there any other parenting books or websites you recommend?

Hand In Hand - Nurturing the Parent Child Connection
Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld.

Learn more at Lawrence Cohen’s website, Playful Parenting.