7

Comments

When my kids were younger I used to read them a great picture book entitled, When Mom Turned into a Monster by Joanna Harrison.

Am I that woman?

Essentially it is about a mom who slowly turns into a monster as she desperately tries to clean her house and prepare a meal for company due to arrive later that day. Needless to say, the house is a wreck and the children keep making it harder while the mom, quite literally, turns into a monster. She is large and green and slimy and scares the bazooties off her kids. (Note: My kids will not let us give this book away as they are never sure when it will become relevant again!)

Before you start thinking this is all about true confessions of a mom gone crazy, I should tell you that I was reminded of this period in my life when I read a New York Times article about disciplining our kids.

BOTTOM LINE: Positive Reinforcement works better than punitive punishment.

Great, you say, but what about those moments when I am totally triggered, and it doesn’t matter what my rational brain knows? I have been there and I feel your pain. So I want to share some wisdom from the world of relationship systems.

Secret Selves, Ghost Roles and Time Spirits, Oh My!

The basic idea is that we all have multiple aspects of ourselves that influence our behavior—and chime in when we are with our kids in stressful situations. The more familiar we are with these selves, the more they can serve as our allies and not get in our way way—like when we are trying to be mature, loving parents to our screaming, oppositional banshees—(Who said that? Make yourself known!).

Secret Selves: You know there are parts of your personality that only come out to play with certain people, right? With some you can be more playful, with others you can be assertive. Well we probably have some selves that are more hidden and don’t get to see the light of day very often. What is the basic energy and intention of those selves? Let’s assume their intentions are good. They know we are stressed and they show up when we are at our limit. How can we reassure the dominating or insecure or simply loud self of ours, that our mature adult self has it handled?

Ghost Roles: These are roles we start to play that actually don’t belong to us but to people we have known in our lives. Our own parents or caretakers are the most common here. It feels like we are being unconscious when we hear certain things come out of our mouths, when in fact, it’s just a role we are playing and we can let it go if we choose to.

Time Spirits: These are the societal, energetic force fields that so often take over our actions. “Spare the rod, spoil the child“, “Children should be seen and not heard” and a whole host of other beliefs about children and their behavior that are clouding our judgment about what is right in this moment with my child. Which ones are operating in your world?

Tips for managing your selves:

• Get to know your selves
• Talk to them (or journal with them)
• Start to recognize when they show up
• Learn what they want from you
• Give them names
• Introduce them to your kids
• Try out new behaviors so they can learn to trust you

And give yourself a break. It isn’t all bad (or as my son now tells, me—It’s all good!) There is wonder in the diversity that is you.

. . . . . . .

Photo courtesy of *clairity*