Misguided Attempts at Disciplining Other People’s Children
“Cut it out!” shouts a deep, angry voice. And it was directed at my three-year old daughter! I see her face register the shock, and then her bottom lip starts to quiver. The restaurant goes quiet and all eyes are upon us as I turn to the table behind and ask, equally as angry – “EXCUSE ME?!” My raised eyebrows are met with no heated words or nasty glares – all I see are four elderly people with their eyes downcast, pretending nothing untoward has happened and concentrating on their chicken dinners.
What the f***? I’m shaking with the adrenaline that’s pumping through my veins, and getting even more riled up because no one will own up to this verbal assault on my child, nor will they meet my eyes and engage in the conflict I am very, very ready to dive into – head first, guns-a-blazing.
Anger is a Bad Teacher
I turn back to my daughter and she is shrunken into herself, wondering what all the yelling is about, but also looking a bit sheepish, somehow sensing that it has something to do with her. I look at my husband questioningly, “What just happened?” I ask him. He’s just as confused, but being the great Dad he is, has been concentrating on making sure our daughter isn’t too frightened after being yelled at by a stranger. I on the other hand am flashing through years of conditioning which taught me to respect my elders and simultaneously stifling the need to pummel the crap out this loud-mouthed octogenarian.
I realize that the screams of babies and toddlers are designed to get on our last nerve, a built in alarm to get parents’ attention. And I know it can be even more aggravating to have to listen to that sound when it’s not your child who’s screaming – but regardless of how much it tweaks us, most of us DO NOT scream back at the child; in fact, it usually elicits some compassion.
Is Laughing Inconsiderate?
The worst part was, my daughter was laughing, not screaming or crying. Granted, she has a laugh that can sometimes give me tinnitus, but it’s not as though she was throwing a tantrum and we were in the process of asking her to bring it down a notch when curmudgeonly Mr. Manners chimed in. Not to mention, we were at a “family restaurant” that is known for their kid-friendly atmosphere, complete with a treasure chest from which kids can dig out a gift at the end of their meal. So it’s even more confusing that these people somehow expected a sedate and quiet dinner out.
Raising Questions About Children and Respect
How can someone expect to teach a child to respect others in a social situation by screaming at her and being utterly demeaning? Definitely, in this case, not by example. How different are the generations when it comes to child-rearing philosophies? Based on the explosive growth of the mental health industry and the advent of “conscious parenting,” I would wager we’re pretty much at opposite ends of the spectrum. The days of children being “seen but not heard” are over. And I know that some members of the older generations see our parenting style as lax and over-indulgent, but as it often happens, we usually try to counteract whatever didn’t work for us (and landed a lot of us on the therapist’s couch). It’s the pendulum effect in action.
Parenting Philosophies Collide
Obviously I’m still a bit miffed. And I don’t want to generalize and suggest that all members of the various generations fit these stereotypical characteristics, but when it comes to parenting styles, I truly believe a very large generation gap still exists. I am hyper sensitive to respecting others’ space and boundaries and as angry as I was, part of me still understands this man’s reaction, and that there are very different expectations about children’s behavior in public. If our daughter has a bad day and throws a tantrum in public, we will remove her from the situation, partially to show her the consequences of inconsiderate behavior, and also because I believe that strangers needn’t be subjected to the disturbance.
And since I’ve hopped up onto my tolerance soap box, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was out for a nice dinner with friends, I might feel entitled to a peaceful ambiance and well-behaved fellow diners. After all – his generation was definitely raised that way and would expect nothing less.
We Can All Relate
Parenting style has always been a contentious issue and probably always will be. One great benefit of the whole altercation was an immediate sense of support and solidarity with the other parents in the restaurant. A few minutes after the incident, one Dad made a point of stopping with his son to say “hi” on the way to the bathroom. Another Mom leaned over on her way out and with a conspiratorial grin said “make sure you keep it down over here,” in a perfect impression of the grumpy grandpa at the other table.
On our way out, I made sure to stop at their table and ask our daughter to say “bye-bye.” Okay, so I was being a bit facetious, but hey, I’m only human.
Photo by Stephan Spencer.
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December 5th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Wow- this brings me right back to those days when my kids were young. This is so REAL life. My pulse actually started to race after I got through your first paragraph. A kind of let me at 'em solidarity that I so relate to…
December 5th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Total rage-inducer. One trick, Wayne Dyer talks about this one. Say to the meanies, “Are you having a bad day?” It says so much. It says, “you're acting like a jerk; unacceptable; and…I MIGHT possibly care.” Totally throws 'em for a loop.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Oh wow, I don't have kids, but I've seen my little brother subjected to other adults' “disciplining” and oh boy, I probably would have pounced on them myself if my dad hadn't said something to them. It's funny that you mention the generational differences because the only time I've ever seen this happen is from distinctly older people. Ugh, it makes my blood boil. Thanks for posting about this.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Wow….I'm not even sure where to begin…..this brought up a lot of stuff for me.
I'm viewing this incident from your daughter's perspective and having flashbacks to moments in my home environment when my joy provoked chastisement. It taught me to proceed with caution at all times, moderate and stuff my emotions, and set me on the road to becoming a Patty Perfect who strived to do no wrong.
I'm pleased to say that at the age of 47, I've exorcised a lot of that crap and live my life with joy, passion, and authenticity. It was a long a road to here, though.
While I understand how indignant you felt, I do wonder why you felt compelled at the end of the evening to place your daughter in a position where she was the one being asked to deal with the perpetrator.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I see it as a good life lesson… teach your child to respond to anger with kindness, and the world would be a better place.
Even if the sentiment wasn't entirely genuine, the Bible teaches that showing kindness to your enemies is like heaping burning coals on their heads.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Thanks Pearl – it takes quite a bit to get me very angry and I was really surprised at how quickly I boiled over on this one. As my sister said, I was like a 'Mama lion who's cub was threatened'. I felt as ferocious, but luckily it quickly ended and we all still managed to enjoy our dinner!
December 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Mighty words of wisdom – I was so shocked that my auto-reponse took over before I had a chance to rationalize. Next step – catch myself in the millisecond pause before the reaction comes
December 5th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Good question – the incident happened before we got our meals and luckily everything settled down and everyone concerned managed to finish our meals in peace. We had spoken to my daughter and made sure she was alright – even gave a few examples of why the man may have been so angry (feeling grumpy, hearing aid turned up to high). Since the anger had subsided, we felt it was a good way to show that we all got a bit upset, but that it had passed. Her bye-bye was a genuine one – another teaching moment from my little one…
December 5th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I love that you had your daughter say bye bye….even if your intentions weren't entirely gracious, lol. I think that you taught her a valuable lesson in responding to negativity with human kindness. That's a lesson everyone should learn
December 5th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Why don't people recognize that he world does not revolve around their 'precious' children ?
No, everything they do is not cute. No, I am not amused by their misbehavior the way you seem to be.
If you can't keep your children from disturbing other people in public, people might speak up.
Get over it.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Your daughter sounds very special indeed.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Hmm – I'm young – not grumpy grandpa – and I have kids – and I completely agree. No one should be yelling – at anyone! Not acceptable.
And, I also agree that adults have the right to enjoy a peaceful meal with a table of friends without having to deal with a screaming child. Why ask a child into an adult environment and then be surprised when they annoy others? So unless the restaurant is family friendly, my advice is to a) hire a babysitter b) swap date nights with a friend c) go early (5 pm) and leave early before the majority of adults dine
December 6th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I was expecting a response like this from at least one person. My point was more that we, as adults, have learned to control ourselves and (hopefully) think before shouting at one another. Children inevitably need the time and space to learn how to behave, and can only do so by exposure to social situations. We were all children once, and most probably acted in a similar way at one point or another. We didn't beleive that the world should revolve around our child and table, but quite obviously the gentleman at the other table thought it revolved around him.
December 6th, 2008 at 9:09 am
I agree Carri – there are so many restaurants that just aren't appropriate for children. I guess that's why I was surprised by this occurance as we were at one that is known to be a 'family' place and actually puts crayons out on the tables! Just another example of how people bump into eachother – it can get crazy in busy urban spaces, in our fast paced lives. I think I was more surprised by the power of the protective response that arose in me…learning more every day!
December 8th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Wow….. laughter has become disturbing people in public? I'm glad I don't live in your world.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I would get miffed if someone did this to my kid too, and given the context of the situation it doesn't seem like a warranted reaction, however…
I see SO MANY wild kids in public nowadays and it makes me grit my teeth to keep from acting similarly to that older gentleman (and I'm a 23 year-old hipster
)… My mother would have *never* tolerated that kind of behavior when we were out and about, and I certainly won't tolerate it in my kids either. Maybe it's just the area I grew up in, but we still have a “kids should be seen and not heard” mentality down here in the South. (At least in formal situations, like meals and public outings.)
Sometimes I want to go up to that harried mother of three or four “free spirits” in Walmart whose kid is cussing them out, throwing a fit, or destroying something, and say, “I see you're having a bit of a problem controlling your children, and I would be more than happy to take that screaming one right over there and “straighten him up” for you…”
January 13th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
lol. It's so funny – my mother reminded me after she read this article that I used get really frustrated by kids misbehaving in public when I was younger. The incident above was probably some kind of karmic retribution for being less tolerant then! Still irks me when kids misbehave, especially my own. I just assume people are doing the best they can – that we all are…