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“Cut it out!” shouts a deep, angry voice. And it was directed at my three-year old daughter! I see her face register the shock, and then her bottom lip starts to quiver. The restaurant goes quiet and all eyes are upon us as I turn to the table behind and ask, equally as angry – “EXCUSE ME?!” My raised eyebrows are met with no heated words or nasty glares – all I see are four elderly people with their eyes downcast, pretending nothing untoward has happened and concentrating on their chicken dinners.

What the f***? I’m shaking with the adrenaline that’s pumping through my veins, and getting even more riled up because no one will own up to this verbal assault on my child, nor will they meet my eyes and engage in the conflict I am very, very ready to dive into – head first, guns-a-blazing.

Anger is a Bad Teacher

I turn back to my daughter and she is shrunken into herself, wondering what all the yelling is about, but also looking a bit sheepish, somehow sensing that it has something to do with her. I look at my husband questioningly, “What just happened?” I ask him. He’s just as confused, but being the great Dad he is, has been concentrating on making sure our daughter isn’t too frightened after being yelled at by a stranger. I on the other hand am flashing through years of conditioning which taught me to respect my elders and simultaneously stifling the need to pummel the crap out this loud-mouthed octogenarian.

I realize that the screams of babies and toddlers are designed to get on our last nerve, a built in alarm to get parents’ attention. And I know it can be even more aggravating to have to listen to that sound when it’s not your child who’s screaming – but regardless of how much it tweaks us, most of us DO NOT scream back at the child; in fact, it usually elicits some compassion.

Is Laughing Inconsiderate?

The worst part was, my daughter was laughing, not screaming or crying. Granted, she has a laugh that can sometimes give me tinnitus, but it’s not as though she was throwing a tantrum and we were in the process of asking her to bring it down a notch when curmudgeonly Mr. Manners chimed in. Not to mention, we were at a “family restaurant” that is known for their kid-friendly atmosphere, complete with a treasure chest from which kids can dig out a gift at the end of their meal. So it’s even more confusing that these people somehow expected a sedate and quiet dinner out.

Raising Questions About Children and Respect

How can someone expect to teach a child to respect others in a social situation by screaming at her and being utterly demeaning? Definitely, in this case, not by example. How different are the generations when it comes to child-rearing philosophies? Based on the explosive growth of the mental health industry and the advent of “conscious parenting,” I would wager we’re pretty much at opposite ends of the spectrum. The days of children being “seen but not heard” are over. And I know that some members of the older generations see our parenting style as lax and over-indulgent, but as it often happens, we usually try to counteract whatever didn’t work for us (and landed a lot of us on the therapist’s couch). It’s the pendulum effect in action.

Parenting Philosophies Collide

Obviously I’m still a bit miffed. And I don’t want to generalize and suggest that all members of the various generations fit these stereotypical characteristics, but when it comes to parenting styles, I truly believe a very large generation gap still exists. I am hyper sensitive to respecting others’ space and boundaries and as angry as I was, part of me still understands this man’s reaction, and that there are very different expectations about children’s behavior in public. If our daughter has a bad day and throws a tantrum in public, we will remove her from the situation, partially to show her the consequences of inconsiderate behavior, and also because I believe that strangers needn’t be subjected to the disturbance.

And since I’ve hopped up onto my tolerance soap box, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was out for a nice dinner with friends, I might feel entitled to a peaceful ambiance and well-behaved fellow diners. After all – his generation was definitely raised that way and would expect nothing less.

We Can All Relate

Parenting style has always been a contentious issue and probably always will be. One great benefit of the whole altercation was an immediate sense of support and solidarity with the other parents in the restaurant. A few minutes after the incident, one Dad made a point of stopping with his son to say “hi” on the way to the bathroom. Another Mom leaned over on her way out and with a conspiratorial grin said “make sure you keep it down over here,” in a perfect impression of the grumpy grandpa at the other table.

On our way out, I made sure to stop at their table and ask our daughter to say “bye-bye.” Okay, so I was being a bit facetious, but hey, I’m only human.

Photo by Stephan Spencer.