A man’s identity should be based on much more than what he’s paid to do 9-5. For a stay-at-home dad/ writer/gardener, the issue is even more poignant.

“So, what do you do?” It’s the standard male greeting, the first attempt to figure out who a man is, the human equivalent to a dog’s bum smelling dance. But who says job equals identity?

I’ve progressed from “Busboy” to “Social Worker” to “Director of Strategic Partnerships”, and each time glowed a little more, felt a little more worthy with the answer. People at those parties could tell right away that I was accomplished, Doing something Big, validated by some organization willing to give me that title and pay me for it. But was I becoming a better person?

Protestant Work Ethic

When I got my first job in Vancouver, my jubilant group email reflected, “It’s sad and amazing how truly fundamental a good job is to our sense of identity.” My friend Pastor Bud wrote back, “My Calvinistic sense of vocation says that it is important for us to find the place or one of many possible places where God is calling us to use our gifts to the max, so that we can do our very best to rejoice in God’s restoration of creation. This is truly amazing, but not sad.”

Bud, what’s sad is that I’m still measured – by society and by myself – in terms of employment. It’s not enough to be Good, dad, lover, loving, fun, funny, healthy, responsible…I need a title, someone to validate my worth and contribution with a pay cheque and a business card. What’s sad is that the day I was hired as an “Executive Director” I suddenly felt and was viewed as more worthy and competent than the day before when I just believed I could do the job.

Unemployed but not Worthless

These days I have no formal employment, so I find new answers springing forth that sometimes feel like justifications. “Stay-at-home Dad” doesn’t sound like enough: stay-at-home motherhood is often misperceived as a cushy luxury, but dads in the same role are downright lazy or foolhardy. So I quickly add “writer” (self-absorbed), “gardener” (hobby), and community activist (idealist).

The truth is, I’ve made a conscious and at times intimidating commitment to focus my energies on being with my children at a time when they really need me, supporting my wife’s business development, raising and preserving our own foods to be part of the natural food cycle and decrease carbon emissions, and volunteering locally and internationally to be part of long-term societal change. And writing to share this journey, to educate and challenge and inspire.

Try These New Opening Lines

Halfway through writing this on a train ride, I got distracted by the beautiful woman I had accidentally sat beside. Without thinking, I asked her, “So, what do you do?” When she answered that she teaches in a gym, I made the further mistake of assuming that we had little in common.

Then I laughed at myself and tried again with, “What’s important in your life?” The stiff fitness instructor suddenly gave way to a passionate church-loving mother of three who worked at a youth shelter until nearly dying in a car accident, and just might be marrying a “friend” who also has three children. By simply expanding my interest from her vocation to her passion, I am now friends with a soon-to-be Mrs. Brady.

Maybe it’s time for a new prioritization, new ways to explore people. Try these at a party and see what you learn about the men in the room: “What turns you on?”, “What brings you Joy?”, “What do you believe?”, Or even just, “What makes you laugh?” You might just like the person behind the job title, and find there’s more to a man than can fit on his business card.

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Photo courtesy of RealEstateZebra