“I am aware of my breath…my thoughts are not me, they are just thoughts….relax, relax, relax… (his hand is so nice and warm.) Shhhhhh – don’t fall prey to the distractions…just observe the thoughts; don’t get attached to them… (can he feel my pulse through our joined hands?) Don’t freak out, you can transcend this distraction… silence….oh my God! There was a moment of silence there…maybe I can get it again… (my knee is touching his – is he as distracted as I am?)…relax, relax, relax… (I would love to just climb onto his lap and) – STOP IT! Damn it! This isn’t working…”

This is what‘s running through my brain. There are eight of us sitting cross-legged in a circle on the floor with hands joined. It’s my first group meditation and I’m about as relaxed as a cocaine addict after an all-night binge. To quote Van Halen, “I’m hot for teacher.”

Time For Myself

It all started a few months before this. After many years of back-to-back relationships, I was purposely staying single – making some “me” time as they say. In truth, I realized there was some healing and discovery to be done if I didn’t want to keep repeating the same patterns, so I was consciously taking some time to dig deep and work on my crap.

So, I’m at a party and three guys walk in. And I know this is going to sound cheesy, but everything seemed to pause as I met the gaze of one. I felt energized and exposed, all at the same time – so I did what any self-respecting introvert would do, and I looked away. But it didn’t matter – I could feel him wherever he was in the room. I pride myself on my composure and I was losing it here, which served to infuriate and intrigue me even more. I didn’t talk to him that night, but the universe was conspiring.

Timing Is Everything

Flash forward six months or so. I’m smack-dab in the middle of my “Saturn Return” and praying for guidance in every way I know how. In fact, sometimes I’m curled in the fetal position on my floor, begging for it. And, as often happens when our resistance gets smashed to smithereens by our own dark night of the soul, strangely synchronistic things started to happen. My CD of guided meditations is great – but I have been asking the universe for a teacher and decide to search online (the universe often speaks via Google, don’t you find?). Lo and behold, there are some courses in my area and even better – the hottie from the party is a meditation teacher.

Now I’m starting to wonder if the universe is just screwing with me. Is this the teacher I’ve been asking for? In the guise of a late 20-something hottie in whose presence I fight the conflicting urges to either get naked, or run screaming for fear of being reduced to a blushing adolescent?

[Note to self: ensure all future requests to universe are carefully vetted.]

And so began one of the most influential relationships of my life, but not in the way I would have originally imagined (i.e., hot and sweaty). It raised a lot of issues for me, not the least of which was the acceptance of that burning, all consuming, desperate need – to be loved – and more importantly, the realization that I was the only one who could give this to myself. I hate it when my big A-Ha! moments are reduced to common clichés, but there you have it.

Laws of Attraction

Finding a teacher (of the spiritual sort) is about as difficult as finding a good therapist. Only I think perhaps teachers of this type come in many forms, some of which we don’t recognize until well after the fact. Until that point in my life, I was an angry, not-so-trusting, girl/woman who had never been able to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship. In fact, I used the fact that I was self-sufficient and independent as a shield, to make sure I would never need to find the courage to be completely vulnerable with another person. So this teacher was, on so many levels, rather ironic. And so perfect.

How does this story end, you may wonder? In a nutshell: I spent over a year vacillating between trying to date my teacher and undertaking the most powerful meditations and growth of my life to date. If I hadn’t been lusting after him, I would have become bored and moved onto the next obsession, post-haste. In short, I wouldn’t have learned what it is to be vulnerable and truly intimate, never would have met my husband and definitely wouldn’t have been able to accept the love that was so patiently waiting for me out there.

Seek and You Shall Find

If you put your intent out into the universe for guidance or help, be open to what comes your way – it might not come in the form you expected, but it will most definitely be what you need (and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a hot guru to boot!). And, be aware of what it is you are seeking from others and the world at large, more often than not, it points directly to what you are not giving yourself (love, validation, security, inspiration) and will only ever be found within.

P.S. My “teacher” was the best man at our wedding.

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Guided Meditations: For Calmness, Awareness and Love

Photo by h.koppdelaney.