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Living in sin. Shacking up. Getting the milk for free.

Those of us living common-law have all heard these expressions at one time or another. My partner’s grandmother still can’t bring herself to verbalize our sinful living arrangements and says to him at the end of every telephone conversation, “You know, you can get a judge to come right to the house to perform the ceremony these days.”

To clarify, Steve and I are engaged—and have been for the last six years. We just keep having little things (like babies, their special needs, a lack of money, etc.) get in the way of our planning process. But, like Steve’s grandmother, there are people out there who neither agree with nor acknowledge our relationship as legit.

Are We Married?

“Marriage-like”–not a marriage. Even though some people (and angry grandmas) may not believe in common-law relationships, some legal entities do consider Steve and I married. That’s right! After a year of living together, we were considered spouses…at least for some purposes. Confused?

According to JP Boyd’s BC Family Law Resource, being common-law qualifies us for specific benefits or obligations, mostly for tax purposes. Examples are health coverage, employee spousal benefits, and contracts, like mortgages. JP Boyd states, “The question that should be at the front of your mind is: ‘Do I qualify as a common-law partner for the purpose of _________ legislation?’”

Essentially, married couples are always considered spouses, whereas the definition of common-law couples depends on the specific Act. For example, federal laws don’t consider common-law couples to be spouses because there has been no legally binding ceremony. We’re considered “common-law partners” after a year of living together. Provincial laws, however, consider both married couples and common-law partners who’ve lived together for at least two years “spouses.” That’s something I didn’t realize until I tried applying for Alberta health-care benefits after moving from Manitoba only to be told, “Don’t worry about it, love. You are covered under your husband’s work benefits.”

Really it’s simply a tidy way to categorize these couples to make the paperwork easier for the government.

Be Smart; Be Prepared

Breaking up is both hard and easy to do. One misconception about common-law relationships is that if things don’t work out, we take what we brought in and make a clean break—just like roommates. But a lot of common-law couples start their journey with the same intentions and investments as married couples do: We buy a house, work together to furnish and decorate it, and even have children together.
It all takes love, time, and energy. So if things don’t work out the way we hoped they would, it’s not as easy as one would think to end it. And if the breakup is ugly, we aren’t entitled to the same rights that married couples are.

You can look at it this way: Married couples have a contract. They’ve made promises to each other in front of a minister (or judge) and God with heartfelt intentions of fulfilling them. If their relationships end, they’re breaking those contracts, and each person is entitled to specific things accordingly.

Common-law couples don’t have those signed contracts, so even though some agencies see us as spouses for certain things, the law doesn’t. That means we have to fight hard to obtain things like child support, spousal support, or even material objects collected over the course of the relationship—especially if one person brings home all the bacon!

One way to protect ourselves is to draw up some sort of relationship agreement, similar to a prenup. But it isn’t a very romantic gesture to whip out a piece of paper and say, “I am so excited to share my life with you, honey. Now, if you’ll just sign on the dotted line promising that you won’t try to take my stuff or money if our relationship goes down the toilet, we can move you in pronto!”

Tips to Get You Started

What can common-law couples do, then, to protect themselves? Steve and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have a few things that have worked for us:

1. Have a joint bank account for stuff like mortgages and events for the kids (if you have them), but be sure to have your own accounts, too.
You’re not hiding anything. You’re merely holding on to some independence and some assurance in case something terrible happens. That can include the injury, hospitalization, or death of your partner—not necessarily a breakup!

2. Have that agreement.
It doesn’t have to be a prenup–just some sort of mutual agreement/understanding of who’ll take care of the kids, who will get the house, and how things will be divided. No, we don’t want to talk about unpleasant things when we’re starting off, but you both want to be sure to have your bases covered. Which brings me to . . .

3. Prepare wills.
These aren’t just for married or old couples. What if something happens to you? What if you get ill or have an accident and can’t speak for yourself? Put everything down in a will so that you can be sure what you want to go to your kids, for example, gets to them.

4. Know your rights—individually and as one half of a common-law partnership.
I worked in a law office for many years and asked a lot of questions before Steve and I moved in together. Steve is a wonderful man, and I know if things ever fizzled, he’d be very generous. That’s how he is. But it may not work out that way. Read the laws, check the Web sites, and call a law office if you have to. Just be sure you know what your rights are so you aren’t hurt later. Like my wise grandmother used to say, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

5. As a final point, TALK!
Steve and I have lasted as long as we have because we work on our communication. I’m not saying we’re always right on track—we do derail sometimes. But we know when and how to reconnect by talking things out.

Living common-law has worked for Steve and I. We have no regrets, concerns, or real worries. We have made a commitment to each other, our children have their mama and daddy right here, and we all love one another very much. We may not have walked down the aisle yet, but we’re happy. We’ll get married one day, but for now, living in sin works for us!

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