Letting Go of Your Child’s Innocence
When my son Harry was a baby, people were always wanting to give him chocolate. I couldn’t understand it. As far as I was concerned, he was pure. He’d never had any junk food. He didn’t want it. He didn’t know what he was missing. I thought about his pristine, brand new body and I didn’t want to introduce anything less than perfect.
Now he’s four and I feel the same way about his mind. But in the same way that the first Chocolate Button (shoved into Harry’s mouth by my uncle) opened the floodgates to a full-blown chocoholism, Harry starting school seems to have been the beginning of the end of his untainted mind.
Blue Moon
As we left school the other day – and even though it was still daylight – I spotted the moon. This has long been one of Harry’s favorite things. He likes to shout about how it’s the sun’s turn and the moon should be asleep until it’s dark. Or rather, it used to be one of his favorite things. That day, when I pointed it out to him, he said, both dismissively and with some anger, “The moon is flippin’ stupid!”
My eyes filled with tears. “Who said that?” I asked. “Thomas.” I managed to prevent myself from saying, “Well I think Thomas is flippin’ stupid” and contented myself with a “Well I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say. I think the moon is magical.” Harry shrugged.
Just for Girls?
Only a few weeks ago, we’d be watching TV together and, during the advertisements, Harry would comment on the toys that he wanted. He tended to go for the more nurturing and gentle toys than the crashing and burning side of things. (You know what I’m trying to avoid saying, don’t you?) But now he points out certain things – Disney DVDs, Barbies, cuddly toys – and says, “That’s just for girls!”
No, I tell him, nothing is just for girls and nothing is just for boys. Both boys and girls can play with whatever they want to play with. But I know it’s too late. I know that, at the age of four, he’s learned that the nurturing toys are the girls’ domain and the noise toys are for boys.
But the thing that concerns me even more is the way he says, “That’s just for girls.” He sounds mildly disgusted. I know he’s picked this up from elsewhere, but it still worries me. At four years old, he’s already being taught that girls’ stuff is less worthwhile than boys’? (We’ve actually done quite well to make it to four – a couple of years ago, one of his preschool friends refused to eat some Barbie cake because it was “for girls”.)
Letting Go…
He’s now away from me for thirty hours per week and I have to accept that. I just wish I could be there to step in when someone is trying to crush his sense of wonder or when he’s being told things that I believe are just plain wrong.
[Photo by ||!prliignore0||]
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January 12th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Oooo..my 27 month old will be going to preschool soon and this is exactly what I am afraid of…I am just not ready to let her out of the beautiful bubble we have formed together…I don't want her to see mean kids and pick up not-so-nice language anf form baseless opinions…I know it's bound to happen and she has to experience her life, I can't do it for her…but I so wish I could protect her!! I have never been separated from her until now for more than a few hours at a time when she would be with my hubby or a relative and leaving her under the care of strangers (well-meaning and well-trained no doubt, but strangers all the same!) and other kids who may not always be a good influence just breaks my heart. Like you, I dread the day she will come out of school and say or do something that will shatter some the magical moments and memories we have shared. A timely post that I can completely relate to. Thanks!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Working in a school it breaks my heart (and makes me mad) when children tell me pink is a girls colour or cars are only for boys etc. Luckily this year quite a few of the boys are into dolls and love pushing the prams round the garden. Nobody has commented on this. It makes me happy to see the girls building with the bricks and the boys in the dressing up dresses.
I remember many years ago one little boy refusing to tidy up as 'Thats a job for girls'.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Its something that has to be gone through, and something that has to be started, or else children won't have their own ideas about tribal matters. Kids aren't born with self-respect, or with knowledge about the world, and at first, their reactions to such knowledge will be immature and childish. They are children. They have yet to learn these things, and this is the start of their learning, and interaction with the world. If its of any comfort to any parents, this phase is very valuable: Your child is being exposed to tribal beliefs, and this is the first step to finding their own individual sense of what's right.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Oh, it's such a shame when they have to go to school and well, mix! It's awful the way things 'rub off' and it's always the bad things. It's not just what he's saying, it's the ideation. Hopefully, he'll learn from these experiences (after all, his parents did) but maybe children have to experience other people's ideas etc., before they can become the person they will eventually be. It's just a dreadful learning curve. I tried that no junk food thing too but was well over-ruled by in-laws who felt it was a child's right to have chocolate and chips and gave them liberally to other grandchildren in front of my child – and blew that 'rule' out of the water.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Ohhhh – it is heart breaking, isn't it? We've managed to skirt it thus far as our daughter is at home with our care provider and she has a healthy love of dolls and dinosaurs, beads and cars. You're right though – it's really all a process of letting go. At least Harry comes home to you each day and has a balance to the 'flippin' stupid' things he might be exposed to
January 14th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Thanks for all your comments. It's such a comfort to know that others are going through this too (and that it may well be good for us!).