“Why can’t it always be this good?” Ever asked yourself this at the end of a summer vacation, or a great meal, or a particularly yummy sex romp? Well, it can be!
It can’t always be the same. Most of us can’t live our whole lives on a beach or in bed with that dream partner, but let’s face it, we’d probably get bored anyway. It’s not that particular activity that we’re wishing could continue ad infinitum, but that feeling.
So, here’s a simplistic four-step program to keep life rich, and my own family’s experience as an example:
What are the special qualities of those great times that bring them alive?
We came back from yet another summer vacation and asked ourselves this question. Over many nights in the hot tub, the answers slowly bubbled up: More time with family and friends; following our callings instead of a list of things to do; being around happy, fulfilled people; living in touch with nature; community; alone time, and time as a couple; no alarm clock; healthy local food, deep sleep, clean air, children, laughter…
Look deep into your happy times, those key moments when life is the way you wish it could be, and tease out the common threads. Find the key characteristics that define the experience for you. Those are what bring you alive, make you special, define you. Those are what you need and deserve more of.
What would it look like if you infused your life with more of those core qualities daily?
This should be the easiest question, but we tend to get lost in the barriers, the so-called reality, the “YES, BUTs…” Ignore those for now (that’s the next question); just go ahead and dream big, as big as your Joy. If those core values and characteristics were more evident in your daily life, what would it feel like? What would it look like? How would people respond to you?
Back in our hot tub, we closed our eyes and envisioned a new life, a new way of being. We were in control, setting the agenda, and the agenda was packed with family time, stars, growing our own food, and following our passions. Our friends would be marveling at how relaxed we looked, and how we were no longer talking about being too busy. Our children felt secure and connected. I was writing that long-talked-about book, growing my own vegetables, and finally building toys from the woodworking book Sarah bought me when our son was born seven years ago.
What’s keeping you from that vision?
In a true Appreciative Inquiry model, we’d skip right past this question, focusing only on the positive. But if you’re like me, that list of barriers always surfaces and needs to be addressed. When are you saying “YES, BUT…”? No doubt money and career are on the list. Obligations, habits, friends, societal expectations, the list can be overwhelming
For our family, the Big City rose up as our biggest barrier. The hectic pace of life, the equally over-packed day planners of friends we wanted to see, the irresistible menu of activities and distractions, the light and noise and air pollution, the commute to school, the distance from mountains and nature, the cost of living and real-estate that necessitated higher income. We don’t blame the city, and certainly do know people for whom it serves their needs, but our family was unable to establish the life patterns we desired in this environment.
How are you going to get over those hurdles?
As the vision and the obstacles became clearer, the last obstacle was our own inner resistance. Not only to big change, but also to big happiness. Just like the fear of true love that’s so overpowering it’s hard to truly believe in and embrace, it’s scary to truly move into a self-created space of freedom. Stripped of all excuses, we’d better darn well be happy and successful now.
So just hold your breath and jump in. Yes, there’s logistics to figure out, but with clear focus and courage, trust that the details somehow happen. For us that included a house sale, relocation to the island community, transitioning out of my job, and figuring out how to live on less than one income.
It’s still a lot of work – no one ever said happiness is easy, nor even that it should be easy. But we now wake up everyday in a home and a life that we have intentionally created. A life centered around the core values that define us and are conducive to our deep joy and meaningful involvement with the world.
Where is your place of deep joy, and when are you going to make it your home?
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Photo by Chris Gin.
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