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Mother.

It’s a word used to convey the most pure and unaltered love. Mothers are revered as being the backbone of families in every possible way. But unfortunately, not all mothers fit this archetype. Some women are unfortunate enough to have mothers with “narcissistic personality disorder.” This means that the mother puts herself before her child and views that child as an extension of herself, not as an individual.

One Shining Example

Before I met my friend Taylor, I had never been exposed to this type of mother. Her mother abused her in such subtle ways. It wasn’t physical abuse, of course, even though mothers with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be physically abusive.

Taylor’s mother insisted that her daughter’s sole purpose in life was to serve her—meaning that Taylor would do what Mom told her, or else there would be consequences. Even as she grew, Mom dictated what kinds of guys Taylor could date. Her mother made it known when she disapproved of Taylor’s choices by giving her the silent treatment. She would also use guilt trips. For example, when Taylor chose to move out, her mother called her selfish and promised never to come see her in her new town.

This sort of punishment is the hallmark of the narcissistic mother. Her daughter is there to comfort her, and not the other way around. Taylor had to sacrifice things in her own life to satisfy her mother’s happiness. The minute she chose to do something on her own, her mother pointed out the error and how much it hurt the family. Even years down the road, Taylor was reminded of how selfish it was for her to leave her family.

What Gives?

What makes a narcissistic mother the way she is?

Narcissism is a learned behavior. Chances are that narcissistic mothers learned to be that way from their own mothers. These women are often overachievers who were conditioned to submit to their own mothers’ every demand.

Learning to deal with a narcissistic mother, however, can be difficult. Most mothers with NPD portray themselves as the ideal mom in front of others, which makes it difficult for people to see that anyone is being mistreated. These mothers usually select one child to be the “responsible one.” This is the daughter who makes her happy but will quickly be blamed when things go wrong. Another child is selected to be the “golden” one, meaning that he or she is free to do whatever he or she wants without fear of punishment. For more information about narcissistic mothers, this is a good resource.

Breaking Free

As daughters of narcissistic mothers grow, they often find it hard to have normal relationships and choose their own paths in life because they are so focused on pleasing their mothers. Mothers with NPD feel that they are perfect and will easily cry when confronted about their wrongdoings. Their negative feelings are projected onto their daughters, who feel responsible.

To get over the wounds inflicted by a narcissistic mother, you must first accept that your mother is who she is, and nothing you do is going to change her. Realize this, and move on with your life. And don’t let anyone tell you you’re being selfish. “When Your Mother’s a Narcissist” points out key traits of a narcissistic mother.

Most of all, remember that you alone are a remarkable woman. Be proud of your dreams and accomplishments. And don’t let anyone, not even a narcissistic mother; tell you that you’re anything less than wonderful.

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