The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~Carl Jung

Eight years ago I was sitting in the kitchen of my bachelor apartment, chain-smoking, and wondering why the hell I couldn’t seem to find ‘the one’. Please note: it didn’t occur to me at the time that smoking and cursing might not be very attractive qualities in myself – besides, love is unconditional, right? I’d been fortunate enough to have some great relationships (and some crappy ones) but none that gave me the feeling of ‘this is it!, here’s the person I’ve been searching for, the one that I’ll share my life with, grow old with, and all the other fairytale type feelings that were wrapped up in my dream of a soul mate’.

Soul Mates

I’d learned enough to know that we attract what’s best for us at any point in time and had beaten myself up for some of what I’d attracted in the past. Soul mates aren’t necessarily the warm and fuzzy, ideal relationships we would hope for. They are whatever we may need to foster growth, and we all know steel is forged by fire, so it follows that some soul mates are more like a lesson in learning what we don’t want. Refinement by elimination, so to speak, and we crystallize our intent as we go.

I also realized that for the most part, I hadn’t ever consciously thought through what I wanted in a partner. I had written goals for my career and a five-year plan for life in general, but I had never taken all of the vague, emotionally fraught ideas about ‘the one’ and put them down on paper. I assumed that one day it would magically occur, I’d meet someone and would just know (like all those aggravating people who’d supposedly found their soul mate told me I would). I figured they were lying, or in denial, which is what I do when I’m frustrated or envious in general.

Can It Hurt To Try?: Writing Your Soul Mate In

I’m going to share with you how I wrote my soul mate into my life. Caveat: I haven’t done a large scale study to validate this approach, the best I can do is say that it worked for me, and a few girlfriends. Besides, what’s there to lose by trying it out? Here goes.

1) Chill out – Take a bath, light a candle, pour a tumbler of single malt, breathe deeply, spark a doobie, put on your favorite music – whatever it takes to bring your BPM down a few notches (there’s no judgment here).

2) Now that you’re suitably chilled – take a moment to think about the possibility that you will never find ‘the one’. In fact, think about what your life will be like if you are single forever more. What are you feeling? Scared? Hurt? Relieved? This is important. Sit in that feeling for a while – bathe in it, even if it’s uncomfortable. Think about the relationships you do have in your life, like fluffy the cat, or your best gal-pals and buddies – do they give you love? Would life be so empty if you didn’t find a soul mate? (Ten bucks says it’s pretty damn good right now.)

3) Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, picture ‘the one’, no holds barred – What does he/she look like? Where are the two of you? What are you doing? How do you feel when you’re with him/her? Don’t just imagine it – feel it, live it. Like Shakti Gawain says ‘Imagination is the ability to create an idea, a mental picture, or a feeling sense of something. In creative visualization you use your imagination to create a clear image, idea or feeling of something you want to manifest….giving it positive energy until it becomes objective reality...’

4) Okay, now grab your favorite pen and a piece of paper – Put today’s date on it, draw four columns and at the top of each column write: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual/Spiritual and Material. Start writing under each column, based on the exercise in #3. Every little detail you can think of – don’t hold back – this is your wish list. Some examples to get you started: Blue/brown eyes? Cherishes me? Believes in God/a higher power? Owns his/her own home? Likes to travel? Does what he/she loves for a living? Nice hands? The options are limitless…

5) Let love rule – You’ve done the work; now let it work for you. Intent is a powerful thing (but it’s not powerful enough to break down your door and drag you kicking and screaming to a speed dating event). Get yourself out there and be open to what comes your way. Look at your list – where might you meet someone like the person you are looking for? Could there be someone in your life already who has the characteristics, only you didn’t think of them in that way before? And paradoxical as this may seem, relax and get out of your own way.

My list is dated August 2000. I met my husband in July 2003 (which means I should have included a #6 step, entitled ‘Be patient’ because sometimes things need time to fall into place). When I dug out my list recently and went through it, I realized he has all but two of the items I had written out, and so much more that I didn’t even dream of. And get this – I met him on-line, on a chat forum for my meditation group at the time. The first time we met face-to-face was when I picked him up at the airport and he moved in with me (but that’s another story!)

And it’s true what they say – I know you’ll want to punch me when I say this – but we both just knew…

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