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Ever had an argument and can’t remember three days later what started the fight? Have you ever just brushed off something a friend or lover does that bothers you, even though the problem persists? I know I have.

I do a lot of counseling for relationships. Of course, we all know that relationships are never perfect, but I find that’s most often due to a lack of communication or a misunderstanding. Relationships–with family, friends, lovers, or anyone else–should be give-and-take. But we so often get wrapped up in what we think we hear that we don’t know how to get our points across. Other times we forget to cherish what we have, and we begin to neglect the other person or expect them to be there always.

Recognize Your Faults

To improve your communication, you need to recognize your own issues. About 90% of the time, one person or both are holding onto past baggage and holding their new mate or friend accountable for the past. We all have a tendency to play the blame game. It’s easier to blame someone other than yourself for what’s bugging you. But remember that it takes the both of you to make things work.

Recognize Your Divinity

You need to recognize that you do not deserve to have these issues in your life–you’re entitled to better. After recognizing that in yourself, you must do the same with the other person. You were not put in the relationship to argue and hold in your emotions–you’re there to have fun, learn, and enjoy. Along with being empowered by your connection to the Divine, there is also a responsibility that comes with it. Sometimes, to heal a relationship, someone needs to be the hero and put the olive branch out there. In lots of cases, that person is you.

Recognize Your Tools

Your five senses are imperative when it comes to communication. We were built to be observers and thinkers. Sometimes this is to our own detriment; our minds can overanalyze a couple of words and blow something out of proportion. Our eyes can pick up defensive body language, and our ears can tune in and out of conversations. We expect people to say exactly what they mean, but we typically only vocalize about 5% of what we are actually thinking during a conversation. The rest is displayed through body language and the eyes.

Be cognizant of the body language. A simple thing to pay attention to is the arms. If they are crossed or if someone has hands on the hips, then you know the person is in a defensive position. If the arms are down by the sides or relaxed, you know the person will absorb what you are saying.

The eyes are the next easiest thing to read. If they seem dazed, the person has zoned out. If they are looking all over the place, the brain is going a million miles a minute, and this is not the best time for a real conversation. You are looking for that person to maintain eye contact with you. Your biggest tool is your voice. Sometimes we get riled up and don’t even notice our tone has changed. You need to really be aware of how you are getting messages across to people.

Recognize Your Safe Place

In my house there is a room. This room is really special; it is a sacred space for me and my partner. There are no secrets and no barriers between us in that room. When we have arguments, we go to that safe place and let it all hang out. When we leave the room, whatever issues we had are finished. There are 10 commandments we go by in the room:

1. No yelling.
2. No interrupting.
3. No sarcasm.
4. No violence.
5. You must listen. (This means that you have to pay close attention and give the other person the respect he or she deserves.)
6. You must acknowledge what the other person is saying.
7. You must try to understand the other person’s point of view.
8. You must recognize the right to feel.
9. You must use “I” statements (for example, “I feel,” “I think,” “I hear,” “I see,” etc.).
10. You must say things out of love.

These rules have helped not just me and my spouse, but many other clients of mine, as they eliminate all escapes and barriers. The room is not a place you go to when you are angry–sometimes it’s best to wait a little bit, let things cool off, and then go there when you can say what you really mean.

Recognize When You Are Reacting

In relationships, people are often more reactive than proactive, and so they have the tendency to let their emotions and insecurities take over by carrying on a cycle of attacks when all they really want is peace. Next time you are about to boil over with anger, ask yourself what you’re reacting to. Why are you reacting to it? By reacting, how will you help? After you have answered those questions, ask yourself why the other person is attacking.

You must recognize that there are only two emotions: love and fear. When someone begins attacking out of nowhere, it is out of fear. What insecurities do they hold around the issue? What do they need from you to feel more safe and secure? As humans, we have a responsibility to support and help one another when we are in pain.

Relationships as Treasures

Love, whether it be with a friend or with a mate, is a beautiful thing, but much like the rest of our lives, it has its moments. Communication is essential in all endeavors. We are a social species. With technology getting more and more efficient, people are losing the ability to communicate effectively. Get back to real face-to-face communication with respect and honesty. Whatever you feel, put it on the table–not in an accusing way, but in a healthy way. Cherish your relationships, and see them for the blessings that they are.

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