One of the best ways to be a good friend is to give good advice. Many of us know somebody whose name pops up when we have a conundrum we simply cannot tackle on our own. There is something about certain people – perhaps a lot of life experience or some innate wisdom – that makes them excellent advice givers.

For others, Mr. Miyagi-style advice does not always come naturally. Trying to assess and help solve somebody else’s problems might seem like a cruel practical joke in light of all the things in your own life you’ve yet to master.

Either way, when a friend comes to you in need, it’s time to get over insecurities. And even if you consider yourself the Oprah of your social group, there are a few elements to the art of advice giving that can make the exchange positive for you and your friend.

Listen First, Speak Second

Listen. This means, first of all, making sure you are in a position to be an active listener. If a friend calls when the timing is bad for you, say so. The more desperate the situation sounds, the more important it is that you be an eager listener. Check your attitude, which can be a distraction if you’re not having the best day yourself. You want to be sure what you hear comes through a filter of reason and compassion, not business, exhaustion or selfishness.

Active listening involves making sure you properly understand the situation you’re being asked to comment on. Repeat what you think you’ve heard to make sure you’re giving the best advice possible. It doesn’t hurt to clarify:

• “Are you saying you think she’s been reporting you to the boss behind your back?”

• “So are trying to decide whether to tell him, or just how to say it when you do?”

Making sure you are truly ready to listen, and that you’re clear on what you’re hearing, will ensure a much more fruitful gab session for you and your friend.

Share Your Own Experiences

When somebody comes to you in distress, just letting them know you’ve been there and came through intact can do a great deal to alleviate anxiety. Often it’s the feeling of being alone in our difficulties that makes them seem unbearable. If you do have war stories to trade, make sure you’re being honest – with yourself. This is not the time for licking your own wounds, so try your best to take an objective stance on your memories. Your tale will be most helpful to your friend if you make sure to note any differences between your story and hers. Perhaps you were much younger when you faced your problem, or the issue was more cut and dry.

Also, refrain from sharing what you heard about your other friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s tax attorney. Sketchy hearsay isn’t the best foundation for making decisions. No matter what you share, be brief, helping you and your friend stay focused on her problem.

Give Them Context

Offer context. This is really what your friend needs; a solid frame of reference from somebody whose head – or heart – isn’t completely twisted up in the dilemma. If it’s a good friend, you might need to point out a pattern of behavior (may even misbehavior) that’s gotten her in this mess umpteen times before. Or maybe it’s a pattern of inactivity (“Girl, you are lazy!”) that has a friend crying on your shoulder time and time again.

Perhaps she just needs a reality check. If she calls you ready to give up poetry for good to become a cell phone saleswoman, you might point out the minuscule number of poets who do not have day jobs, and the numerous rejections they often get before their first publishing opportunity. If you know her poetry is really just trite and terrible, you might point how hawking cell phones would give her some extra cash for a poetry class, or to go out and enjoy herself in some way others will not have to suffer from later.

Offer a Referral

It might just turn out that you’re not really the best person to give advice in this situation. You may lack the technical expertise to help with your friend’s car, or the job experience to really say what is the next best career move. And sometimes people have serious problems that require the attention of a medical professional. Whether it’s a physical, mental or emotional problem, a suggestion of professional help can be one of the hardest things to say to a friend, but it might also be one of the most important. If you must pass on an opportunity to help, make sure it is clear that you are doing it out of concern for your friend, and that you’ll be ready to help the next time.

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