Have you ever felt dismissed, diminished or disappointed after talking with a friend about a problem? Left thinking, “I am a such a loser.”

Or perhaps you’ve walked away from a discussion feeling inflated, righteous and superior? Thinking, “Man, they really needed my help.”

The magic of advice only works when it’s invited, agreed upon, and valued. Developing the muscle for giving and receiving advice creates an opportunity for people to share, (and not feel judged) to listen, and to be of service.

Five tips for giving advice.

1. Remember no one needs to be saved.
2. Listen. Be with the person who is sharing then ask, “May I offer my thoughts?” or “May I tell you what I think?” May is used when asking for permission, notice how graceful it is to say May I, rather than Can I.
3. Sharing a problem or an issue is not a request to fix someone’s problem. We can not fix a feeling or a person. A broken door handle is fixed, experiences are healed.
4. Tell the truth. And remember your delivery impacts the receivers experience. Firmness and gentleness goes a long way.
5. Don’t tell people what to do, “You should…..” No one likes a dictator.

Five tips when asking for advice.

1. Be clear about what you need. Is it support, information or a gentle ear?
2. Choose the right person to ask for advise. Is this experience going to move me forward?
3. Choose the right time to share. Maybe it’s not the right time to say “I feel old, tired and fat, do I look ok,” when your partner is rushing off to a meeting.
4. Be prepared to receive what you don’t want to hear.
5. Say thank you.

What are your best and worst advice-giving (or advice-taking) stories?

Photo by adjustafresh.