How to Get Over a Bad Birthing Experience
A recent study found that more than 40 per cent of first-time mothers had a clinical fear of giving birth after hearing stories from family and friends who had bad experiences.
Despite hearing the scary stories, I wasn’t afraid of giving birth the first time – so many women do it, I thought, how bad can it be? However, following a deeply traumatic labor, I spent four years being afraid of having another child.
35 Weeks Pregnant
I’m now 35 weeks pregnant and feeling positive. It has something to do with denial and my natural optimism. It has to be better this time, because it couldn’t be worse… could it?
But also because I have spent this pregnancy preparing myself, talking through my fears, and discovering just what went wrong last time.
What’s Best for the Baby
I can’t imagine how many times I’ve repeated my birth story over the past four years. I know that almost every time I’ve told it, I’ve cried. It’s good to talk, to get things off your chest (many midwives recommend writing your birth story down), but it’s not good if all you’re doing is dwelling on it or wallowing in it.
So early in this pregnancy, I arranged for some counseling. Yes, we talked through the birth, but we also talked about how it made me feel. Which was like I didn’t matter. In the four years of repeating the story, I’d never gotten to the crux of it, which was, while the entire birth was about “what’s best for baby,” I was lying there thinking, “But what about what’s best for me.”
You Can’t Control the Delivery, But You Can Control the Birth
When my husband started talking about having another child, I was terrified. All I could think was, “I’m not putting myself through that again.” No matter how many people told me it would be different, all I could imagine was the same experience and being so furious with myself for once again being in that position.
Planning a Home Birth
I’d planned a home birth with Harry, but it didn’t work out, and so my first instinct was to avoid a home birth this time. I thought about an elective section, but that didn’t seem right either. But I was afraid that, if I did try for another home birth, it would be for the wrong reasons: that I would be trying to do it “right” this time. Because I felt – strongly – that I’d done it all wrong, that I’d failed at birth, last time.
The Importance of Birth Notes
My midwife retrieved the notes from Harry’s birth and we went through them together. I learned that none of it was my fault. For four years, I’d been thinking – and saying – that my son was “dragged” out of me. This wasn’t the case at all. My body had done everything right, but, for reasons only known to them, the hospital staff had insisted on every intervention I had wanted to avoid (and, once it was all over, they laughed at my birth plan).
Yes, I was angry to learn that it could all so easily have been avoided, but I was also relieved. I don’t need to do it “right” this time. I didn’t do anything “wrong” last time.
Find Your Birthing Team
Finally – and the most important thing for me – is to have a midwife that you like, trust and respect. If your area doesn’t offer midwives, consider a doula. I think it’s incredibly important that you have someone there to support you, to be your advocate, to stand up for what’s important to you and to make sure the birth is not only best for the baby, but best for the mother too.
Photo by treyevan.
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December 9th, 2008 at 11:36 am
http://carrieanddanielle.com/winner-of-business...
great resource.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Thank you for this article, Keris. I haven't heard anyone talk about this, quite this way. My first birth was glorious my second birth, traumatic. I agree with you, counselling has been very important…and I've found yoga has helped me ease the bad memories out of my body, the pain and grief that is stored in my tissues. Bless you as you bring life into this world!
December 10th, 2008 at 3:30 am
Thanks, Storyeller. I haven't been able to do yoga this pregnancy because I've had SPD, but I'm looking forward to getting back to it once my son's born. Thanks for your good wishes.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:57 am
You might be interested in Lucy Jolin's new book, about Coping with Birth Trauma.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Coping-Birth-Trauma-Pos... . I spoke to her when she was writing it and her experiences seemed to mirror my own, and what you write about here. I'm nervous about feeling totally disempowered again in a strange delivery suite.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Reading this has left me with tears of anger and frustration rolling down my face. I hadn't realised how lucky I and my friends have been with our birth experiences, as despite several dramas and trips to Neo-natal Intensive care we have never had anything but caring, professional support from our nursing and medical staff in Cambridge and Leeds.
I'm blown away by Keris's bravery in seeking counselling, confronting her fears, and challenging her previous experience and can only wish her a much less traumatic birth in 2009.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:46 am
At least you're more prepared this time, and it sounds like you have a muchbetter midwife! A friend of mine has a 9 year gap between kids, I suspect in part due to a horrible first birth (she was hooked up to a drip the entire time). I really think the Journey can help with this type of memory (EFT too) but the main thing is finding out what made you feel so bad and getting it “out there” inside of internalising it. You seem to have moved forward and I can only cross my fingers for a much better experience for you this time round. x
December 10th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Thank you for all your lovely comments. It means a lot to me.
And I'll check out that book, Antonia.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I'm so sorry I didn't read this before! It's awful that the first time has to be a 'learning curve'. Just because the professional people helping with deliveries have seen it all a hundred times before doesn't mean they can't treat mothers with the great respect and care they all deserve. I was in Oz when I had my baby and I felt as if I was nothing but a big nuisance to the consultant (10pm on a Saturday night) – even though we were paying through the nose for their services. I just wish I'd had the strength to tell them what I wanted but of course I wasn't really in any state and was too naive before the event. The midwife attending was pregnant herself and was wonderful but I felt that was only because she was totally in tune with my state. We all may live and learn but what if you never have another child? I know you'll be fine with Joe! xx
December 11th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Thanks, Maz. That's one thing I've found with many of the midwives (and heard the same from talking to a lot of other mothers) – while they're wonderful, it's just a job to them and they seem to have lost all appreciation of how scary and alienating it is to go through it for the first time.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Keris, thanks so much for this. My first (and only) birth of my daughter was a rough one, and only after two years of doctors and surgeries for her did I stop to realize that I was in survival mode the whole time. I recently went through a similar process of finally 'dealing with' the experience. That said, I'm still not brave enough to do it again! Kudos to you – and thanks for sharing…