A recent study found that more than 40 per cent of first-time mothers had a clinical fear of giving birth after hearing stories from family and friends who had bad experiences.

Despite hearing the scary stories, I wasn’t afraid of giving birth the first time – so many women do it, I thought, how bad can it be? However, following a deeply traumatic labor, I spent four years being afraid of having another child.

35 Weeks Pregnant

I’m now 35 weeks pregnant and feeling positive. It has something to do with denial and my natural optimism. It has to be better this time, because it couldn’t be worse… could it?

But also because I have spent this pregnancy preparing myself, talking through my fears, and discovering just what went wrong last time.

What’s Best for the Baby

I can’t imagine how many times I’ve repeated my birth story over the past four years. I know that almost every time I’ve told it, I’ve cried. It’s good to talk, to get things off your chest (many midwives recommend writing your birth story down), but it’s not good if all you’re doing is dwelling on it or wallowing in it.

So early in this pregnancy, I arranged for some counseling. Yes, we talked through the birth, but we also talked about how it made me feel. Which was like I didn’t matter. In the four years of repeating the story, I’d never gotten to the crux of it, which was, while the entire birth was about “what’s best for baby,” I was lying there thinking, “But what about what’s best for me.”

You Can’t Control the Delivery, But You Can Control the Birth

When my husband started talking about having another child, I was terrified. All I could think was, “I’m not putting myself through that again.” No matter how many people told me it would be different, all I could imagine was the same experience and being so furious with myself for once again being in that position.

Planning a Home Birth

I’d planned a home birth with Harry, but it didn’t work out, and so my first instinct was to avoid a home birth this time. I thought about an elective section, but that didn’t seem right either. But I was afraid that, if I did try for another home birth, it would be for the wrong reasons: that I would be trying to do it “right” this time. Because I felt – strongly – that I’d done it all wrong, that I’d failed at birth, last time.

The Importance of Birth Notes

My midwife retrieved the notes from Harry’s birth and we went through them together. I learned that none of it was my fault. For four years, I’d been thinking – and saying – that my son was “dragged” out of me. This wasn’t the case at all. My body had done everything right, but, for reasons only known to them, the hospital staff had insisted on every intervention I had wanted to avoid (and, once it was all over, they laughed at my birth plan).

Yes, I was angry to learn that it could all so easily have been avoided, but I was also relieved. I don’t need to do it “right” this time. I didn’t do anything “wrong” last time.

Find Your Birthing Team

Finally – and the most important thing for me – is to have a midwife that you like, trust and respect. If your area doesn’t offer midwives, consider a doula. I think it’s incredibly important that you have someone there to support you, to be your advocate, to stand up for what’s important to you and to make sure the birth is not only best for the baby, but best for the mother too.

Photo by treyevan.