The trick about being an effectively destructive mother-in-law is to phrase things in a way that seem entirely reasonable. Make it sound as though you’re trying to be helpful and actually really care for your daughter-in-law’s well being.
Start by commenting on the cooking…
When your daughter-in-law puts in an annoyingly huge effort to cook a lavish meal for you and starts fishing for compliments, be sure to remind her that “normal people” eat earlier in the day and gently suggest this could help her keep her weight down. If this doesn’t squelch her attempts to impress you with her culinary skills, be sure to mention several times how rich the food is, and though delicious, the amount of fat is going to give you a heart attack. Say this particularly if she’s a better cook than you are.
Be sure not to complain outright that the food is too spicy. Simply grab at your throat, drink a great deal of water, see if you can work up an excellent flushed complexion. (Holding your breath while fanning your face works well.) Best not to comment on the distinctly ethnic recipe, counter with a complaint of heartburn instead. When she makes a plain light meal next, ask to pass the salt at least three times, then the pepper, then request butter, lemon, ketchup, soy sauce, hot mustard or anything that will “jazz it up.” Chuckle compassionately and whisper, “I remember when I was just starting out in the kitchen too!” Then end the meal with a reference to your best dish and how much your son loves it. Offer to give her the recipe.
Next, diminish your son..
The problem with your son getting married and having his own family is he no longer relies as much on your wisdom, advice and support. To keep your approval important to him, undermine your son in front of his wife and children at any given opportunity. Don’t despair, you have more power than you think and can reduce him to the age of six in no time.
If he comes into some good fortune, say his property value goes up, laugh it off as a lucky break. We don’t want him thinking he invested wisely without your input. If he does something well, even parallel park the car, call him a show off. If he does something poorly (and it is easy to find fault in anything, you just have to look hard enough) be sure to mention how terrible he always was at this given task.
Be sure to perfect the backhanded compliment. For example: “Oh my dear, look how beautifully you’ve build these kitchen cupboards! My, I’m so surprised. [to wife] He’s no carpenter, I assure you. He built me a step stool once and it cracked within the year. I nearly broke my ankle!”
Finish with some healthy criticism of their parenting skills
Don’t be a doting grandmother, keep the children in their place. First of all, don’t acknowledge the child looks anything like their mother until they misbehave, then comment they certainly have her temperament. If your daughter-in-law suggests the child looks like you, deny it. She’s only trying to assure a place in your will for her spawn.
If your son suggests the child looks like him, be sure to laugh and comment on his egotistical desire to “see himself in everything”. Actually, don’t acknowledge the child looks like anyone at all, except perhaps the neighboring boy who mows the lawn. When the child is behaving well, comment that the parents are too strict. When the child is acting out, be sure to mention your children never behaved in such a manner. You don’t have to criticize their parenting directly, be indirect: “Indulging a child’s every whim seems to be the modern way to parent these days. Wouldn’t want to repress their ‘creativity’, right?”
If the child doesn’t eat, be sure to call the child finicky and spoilt. If the child eats, be sure to caution about obesity. When you buy gifts for the child you can use your generosity to comment on the areas you feel the parenting is lacking. For instance, if you give the child a basketball you can suggest you felt he needed some fresh air once in a while. If you give the child an educational toy you can say it’s better than watching TV all day. If you give the child clothing, you can laugh how it will be so nice to see her in something that is actually clean for a change.
In no time you’ll receive fewer phone calls (especially if you always complain your son doesn’t call enough) fewer letters (so hard to read your daughter-in-law’s chicken scratch, even with your glasses!) and visits (Oh Lord, what are the kids going to break this time?). Good luck, mother-in-laws!
Photo by Mister-E.
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