Give ‘Em A Break: Everyday Love and Assumptions
“I don’t know what you’re going through.”
This is a mantra that I take to the streets with me. It comes in particular handy when someone races ahead of me in traffic, or butts in front of me in line, or doesn’t return my “hello” when passing by.
“I don’t know what you’re going through.”
It’s an instant dissolver for feeling pissed off and put out – an amazing equalizer of judgment. A magical mind-stretcher that makes me wonder if someone…
…is on their way to a chemo treatment
…just got off a plane from the red eye from Chicago
…is newly pregnant
…is heart broken, clinically depressed, or weathering the darkest night of their soul
…is on their way to pick up their kid who fell off the monkey bars at school
…is wondering how they’re going to make the rent or save their business
“I don’t know what you’re going through.”
Because I don’t. And sometimes, most often, suspending assumptions is a marvelous act of compassion. Because who knows where some has come from when they cross your path.
. . . . . . .
Photo courtesy of cwbuecheler
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October 22nd, 2008 at 11:20 am
I love this mantra. It makes my day much nicer, and easier to feel compassion for the other person's journey. Yes, sometimes that person cutting me off is just a butt head. Even so, I just don't know.
Another favorite is to remember that “this is NOT personal”.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 am
Oh, I like that! I've just officially adopted it as my immediate go-to as well. Thank you for that.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
GREAT post. Someone once told me to presume that everyone is hurting, because, at some level, everyone is.
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I DEFINITELY needed to hear this today! I was getting so frustrated with people…this is a great way to take a step back and remember we're all going through our own stuff.
Thank you!
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Thanks for this post, Danielle. A wise and compassionate approach.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I'm going into a meeting tomorrow with a lady who has been very challenging to get on-board with the new system we're implementing. I'm going to use this mantra as we work through what I expect may be a difficult meeting to remind myself that I don't know what is happening for her in her personal life that could be causing her to react this way in her work environment. I really needed the reminder you gave today.
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:40 am
[...] I don’t know what you’re going through. It’s an instant dissolver for feeling pissed off and put out – an amazing equalizer of judgment. A magical mind-stretcher that makes me wonder if someone… [...]
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:26 am
LOVE it! I do this too – and always hope that others do it when they run into me in one of my crinkled-brow-woe-is-me moments. Thanks for this.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I love this idea. I've occasionally been on the other end of it, too. Sometimes you're in a rush and just forget to check whether someone's coming up behind you. Usually I hold the door, but sometimes I forget to check. When I realized I've essentially let the door close in someone's face, I always think, “I hope they don't think I'm a terrible person!”
October 27th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I stumbled upon this. and I must say. this is very powerful. when i read through the reasons why that person might be in a bad mood my eyes were opened. the mantra you present here reinforces that basic truth that we control our lives: it is not to be left to the whimsy of our emotions. we must control how we respond to stimuli, even the ones that have become habit. i've never thought about what you have written here! i've never considered what the other person may be going through! now, i will do that as often as needed to make that way of thinking my new habit, my new choice of living. many thanks to the author.
October 27th, 2008 at 7:51 am
yes…mastering emotions is such a big life lesson – they're signals, not dictators.
October 28th, 2008 at 6:53 am
Danielle, I've been sick lately and am catching up on some posts I've missed. This is truly beautiful, and I thank you for your insight. I'm not a big fan of the place I work, but it has taught me the lesson you're showing us here. I work in a very large medical facility, and I would guess that at least 80% of the people I run into Monday through Friday, 7:00-5:00 are gravely ill or caring for someone who is. Exposure to this has left my nerves wide open, but in the best way. Thanks for bringing this to light!
October 28th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
You may not know what other people are going through, and yes, they could be having the worst day of their life – BUT, there is no reason on this earth why people need to be rude, arrogant or treat others with disrespect just because they are having a bad time. So using “I don’t know what you’re going through.” to excuse these people from their wrongdoing should not be acceptable by anyone. Stand up for yourselves and put people in their place if they butt in front of you in line.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Good point. Something that's obvious, but I forget and should remember.
–
http://www.davidalanrichards.com
October 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
You're right on Simon. There is a difference between standing up for your space on earth and finding peace in knowing that other peoples actions are not about us.
Here's to recognizing and acting on the difference.
October 31st, 2008 at 5:48 am
For me it's all about space or the lack of it. Un-contained energy like anger or rudeness takes up a lot of space and doesn't consider others. They are like a large RED flower in an otherwise cool white and green bouquet. And yes we have to give grief or big concern space and that's a lovely mantra for not getting hooked AND we also have to practice containment when we are off the rails. That's the hardest practice – knowing the space we take up by entering a room.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:45 am
Brilliant. I work in retail and have had more than my share of grumpy and even aggressive people. Instead of taking it personal or judging their less than cordial behavior, I try to remember that everybody has their own “story”. And treating people with kindness and understanding, yes even those grumpy ones, makes life a more positive experience. Thank you for reminding me of this.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm
beautifully said – taking up space is always at the fore of my mind.
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:56 pm
This is hard… but it works… my friend taught me to start every sentence with “God bless you”, whether it's a relationship you're struggling with, a complete stranger giving you “stink eye”, or someone who is loving and caring towards you…. everyone is divine…. we are all the same.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Excellent!
November 6th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Beautiful post! Every couple of days I leave the wildlife sanctuary go to the post office to get my mail. I pass this sign in front of the Whitmore, California Seventh Day Adventist Church:
WE ARE NOT HERE TO SEE THROUGH EACH OTHER; WE ARE HERE TO SEE EACH OTHER THROUGH.
I love that reminder that we are all connected. I really don't know what you are going through; however I am here to help you through it in a gesture that may be as slight as a smile, or as quiet as a whispered prayer.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
It's a good theory, but just because you're on your way to chemo, or whatnot is no excuse to be rude to another human being. I do think people should turn the other cheek, but it still does not excuse rudeness.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:34 am
I respectfully disagree.
By your account, “dealing with life” is an excuse to be rude, careless, selfish, and insensitive to others. How about THIS: If I'm on my way to chemo, and I offend somebody due to the stress I'm under .. maybe the accountability lies with ME to come to terms with the problems in my life and re-find my balance. Maybe it's “okay” to admit that unfortunate circumstances in our lives leads to inappropriate and undesirable behaviour. Condoning that behaviour is not the answer. There *should* still be consequences for it (i.e., people getting offended, etc.)
I grew up with a family that used me as their emotional punching bag whenever something “bad” was happening in THEIR lives. Even as an adult, the pattern is well-established. Rather than re-balance their own lives, they use their behaviour towards others as a relief valve for ALL of their problems.
I'm not perfect and take my stress out on others sometimes, but that doesn't make it RIGHT.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Very true Danielle, and easier said than done also!
November 13th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Wow, thank you. This mantra is absolutely amazing. The only one that I can think of that can come close in potency is “thank you.”
November 14th, 2008 at 6:52 am
I like you out in the world mantra. It takes the ego out of the equation and assists you in being present.
I will be back to read more soon.
Joseph
http://www.explorelifeblog.com
November 14th, 2008 at 8:55 am
I cannot add anything more to this. It stands perfectly well on its own.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Beautiful,
I just learned something today, I wish somebody had told me this a long time ago. I will keep this article close to me always.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
That's really interesting.. I've recently begun to say this exact thing to myself, like a few months ago. Funny coincidence. I realised that people would react negatively to me whenever I didn't treat them like they treated me, whenever I was feeling down that is. After that I just started telling myself that much in the same way they had no idea what I was going through, so did I not know what they were experiencing in their lives that made them ignore any kindness or respect I showed them. Sure enough, some people are actually just plain idiots, but I think that the majority are just normal people, trying to get by in life. It's a good thing to think.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
namaste
November 14th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Suspending assumptions is definitely something I need to consciously try to do on a daily basis. Thank you for this.
November 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am
With this mantra i can forgive the “races ahead of me in traffic,” and maybe ignore the “butts in front of me in line,” even though that's annoying. But the “doesn’t return my “hello” when passing by,” that's just rude- especially if eye contact was made. Just because you're going through something, doesn't mean you stop with the common decencies.
November 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am
great mantra…thanks…i try to remind myself that it's not about me, i did nothing wrong (tells you what my issues are, huh?
i am not responsible for the happiness of others kind of thing…
November 16th, 2008 at 9:00 am
perhaps they are deaf? or totally lost in thought that they literally don't even realize that they have just passed a human being? and if not, let's say it is some punk kid…i still think the mantra applies…they definitely have to be going through something to be so rude…
November 16th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Amazing. I'll definitely try out that one. Besides you actually don't know what one is going through, it surely helps yourself to keep balanced.
Thanks for that.
November 17th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Nice post. Very thought provoking and a good reminder that compassion is always an appropriate choice.
Thanks
November 18th, 2008 at 1:02 am
I agree and wish more people would do the same. I have also been in need of this reminder a few times. Thank you for reminding me.
November 18th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
This is a great mantra to remember. I'm a full-time retail manager, and this is actually one of the things that I tell all of my employees to think about when they deal with customers. Just being nice makes all the difference
November 19th, 2008 at 12:15 am
This is such a wonderful mantra. Every person you see is like a whole 'nother Universe happening. There's a whole world inside each and all of us. We're all human with our own lives going on and it's so wonderful to actually acknowledge this. Thank you for reminding us about all of this.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
your mantra ” I don’t know what you’re going through “, it is undone because you used a negative word. “don't”. So by saying that mantra over and over is that ” I don’t know what you’re going through”
My point is that you need to be completely positive or ekse it has the opposite effect that you wanted. Instead say something like “you have a different story than my own”.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
So true, i have been using this assumption when im having bad day and someone is insistently trying to say “Hi” to me.I
Great post.
Thanks for it.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Thank you, Danielle, for sharing this with the world
And thank you, Mom & Dad, for raising me with this mantra.
December 8th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I have a piece of paper I carry in my wallet at all times that reads
“be kind, for everyone is carrying a heavy burden”
I can't remember the source of the quote, I've had it for years. I keep forgetting, and then I go to my wallet and go, “oh yeah!”
I like your mantra even better tho – it's short and sweet and easy to keep in mind.
Thanks
December 8th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I agree and wish more people would do the same. I have also been in need of this reminder a few times. Thank you for reminding me.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Having a bad day does not give you the right to treat others like crap. Get over it. You're not the only person with troubles.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Thank you for this marvellously simple and humane post. Presumption about others according to how they look, speak, move is simply a projection of part of ourselves. We do not know and being at the edge of not knowing, while disconcerting, is like standing on the edge of a vast ocean or overlooking a great desert. Who knows what lies there?
This curiousity is just as valuable for those we think we know well too. For those we know we project our past experiences, our beliefs and judgements.
How empowering to “not know”.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Fantastic mantra. When I'm having a rough time, I know I'm not always the friendliest person. I may be short with people or withdrawn.
I'm going to try it on my commute this coming week. What with the economy, I'm sure that most of my fellow commuters are concerned about their jobs, if nothing else. Rushing to get onto or off of the train, walking slowly because they're suffering from depression or are tired after pushing themselves extra hard, it could really cover anything too.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Perhaps someone will return the sentment someday,wont you be suprised?
March 27th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Great thought. I use it daily since reading it here.
April 12th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I love that!! Thanks
April 16th, 2009 at 3:48 am
yes…mastering emotions is such a big life lesson.It’s an instant dissolver for feeling pissed off and put out – an amazing equalizer of judgment.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
It´s great when you can learn from the net thaks for sharing this
May 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I am totally with you on this Kathleen, it's indeed wise and compassionate approach that Danielle has.
Emma
May 19th, 2009 at 10:14 am
This is so true and simple and it could change that persons mood and in the meantime you did not react like them ,i am gonna remember that next time i see someone who is rude or mean to someone …..like boedha says be as kind to the others like you want them to be with you…..
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:05 am
Great post, what you said is really helpful to me. I can't agree with
you anymore. I have been talking with my friend about, he though it is
really interesting as well. Keep up with your good work, I would come
back to you.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 pm
That Sounds interesting, I agree with you.Please keep at your good work, I would come back often.
June 27th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I love this. I personally would rather assume something “else” is bothering them. This certainly keeps me from wondering if it's personally directed toward me.