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“What do you expect me to say to that? Huh? What do you expect me to do?”

Okay, so those may not be the best words to throw out in a relationship (and saying them was definitely not one of my proudest moments), but just about everyone has either heard or dished out these or similar words during a confrontation with a significant other. What they might not have witnessed comes next:

“Slow down! I can’t understand you.”

The Daydream

When I first came to France, it was a sort of faraway dream of mine—and of many others I knew—to date a French man. When you develop the idea of dating someone from another country, the first things that come to mind are pretty nice. American girls who picture dating French men imagine romantic evenings over red wine and picnics on the Seine…everything you see in the movies. What they neglect to remember is that the movies lie about basically everything–no one I know has had the same kind of fairy-tale relationship from romantic comedies, and no one ever has the perfect bicultural relationship, either.

Which Language to Choose?

Most bilingual relationships are predominantly conducted in one of the two major languages that the couple speaks–if one of you didn’t at least have some grasp of the other’s language, it would be nearly impossible to communicate. I am, both officially and by the standards of most French people, fluent in French, so French is the language of my relationship.

But in most bilingual relationships, there come reasons to venture into the second language. The person whose language is not being used can feel trapped by their lack of communicative skills in their second tongue, or friends of one member of the couple may not be as bilingual as the couple is and will necessitate a switch.

Working through these situations, however, is not nearly as difficult as coming to terms with the fact that people get angry in their native tongues. Every once in a while, especially when I’m angry, all that comes out is English.

Biculturalism

One of the most difficult things for people to grasp when entering a bilingual relationship isn’t the bilingualism, though. Like race, bilingualism is a pretty obvious and superficial difference. When you start such a relationship, you’re immediately aware of the language barriers. What may not be so obvious are cultural barriers.

Casual conversation is littered with cultural references. Luckily—at least for those of us in bicultural relationships—as the world becomes Americanized, people discover that they have more in common with one another than they might think. However, the differences in upbringing that are part of every relationship are magnified when you realize that not only did your significant other not watch the same television shows or play the same games as you did growing up, but he or she was educated in a completely different manner with different values, a different political backdrop, and a different cultural history.

These differences may not be apparent to two people just getting to know each other until months later when they realize that they do not relate to each other in the same way. While the language differences are obvious, the issue of dealing with two separate cultures is not.

How to Deal

Of course, bilingual and bicultural relationships are possible and often successful. Thousands of people fall in love with people who do not speak their native tongues, and many of those couples raise bicultural, bilingual children. Love can overcome all sorts of differences in all relationships. It’s important to approach a bilingual relationship, like any relationship, with tolerance and acceptance.

There are, of course, certain things that are better in bilingual relationships–bilingualism and biculturalism allow a couple to learn and share so much more about themselves than they may in a more traditional relationship, and that rewarding feeling is more than worth the sacrifices.

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