A great butt. Toned abs. Strong arms. Yoga classes can deliver that hot bod. But, for deeper health-and happiness-boosting benefits, yogic philosophy is where it’s at. Physical postures, or asana, are just one of the eight limbs of yoga, as recorded by yogic philosophy powerhouse Patanjali. His Yoga Sutras outline ways to live your best life, and offer a lifestyle model that, if adopted, can help you like yourself, find contentment, develop strength and discipline, tap into your inner strength, calm your mind, and feel connected to something greater, good and wonder-full. (Yup, it’s pretty much the spiritual equivalent of a one-stop shop.) This lifestyle model offers guidance we can lean on when life gets loony.

Soul-to-Soul Combat

Conflicts. Arguments. Fights. Yuck. Whatever you call them, for most of us, they suck: our energy, our confidence, our sense of stability. All of it can get swooshed into the vacuum of the heat of the moment as we get caught up in protecting who we are, what we do, what we want, desire, need…the list goes on.

In that moment, yogic philosophy can help us find a foundation. It can help us find a solution before we turn freaky—in other words, into the version of ourselves that lives just beyond the edge of reason. (Impassioned statements and proclamations we’re later ashamed of live here, too.)

4 Keys to Arguing Yogically

(As oxymoronic as that sounds…)

1. Recognize the ego
   This is the part of us that we most often identify with. The “I” that gets hurt, gets mad, and, sometimes, gets even. (It also gets excited, ecstatic, etc. But let’s stick to the topic.) In yogic philosophy the Sanskrit word for ego is Ahamkar; it’s a part of the mind.
2. Recognize the mind
   This is also part of us, but not all of us. Yogic philosophy encourages us to understand that our mind is a tool for us to use to navigate our human experience—just like our hands, feet, mouth, nose, and eyes. Likewise, our thoughts are not us; they’re more like random CNN headlines streaming across the bottom of our TV screen. We get to choose which ones we want to pay attention to, or identify with.
3. Recognize your divinity
   Yup, at our core, we are divine. As in connected to something greater, good and wonder-full. Yogic philosophy calls our divinity, or spirit, the Atman; it’s our true self and is inside each and every one of us.
4. Recognize your unity
   Yoga, on the most elementary level, is understood as union: between body, spirit, and mind. Taken one tiny step further, it’s a way to see the unity between ourselves and others. We all have an ego, which is part of a mind, and we are all our spirit. We are united by our common connection to the greater, good, and wonder-full.

How does this play out in a conflict?

Scenario 1:
We disagree with something our partner says or does. We identify with our ego’s hurt, anger and desire to win, or get even. We argue. We embrace and identify with thoughts like “He’s being so selfish. She’s being incredibly insensitive. He’s not even trying to understand where I’m coming from. She’s taking me for granted.” Maybe we yell, maybe we cry. It goes on.

Scenario 2:
We disagree with something our partner says or does. We notice that our hurt and anger are connected with our ego, which is embracing defensive thoughts that attack our partner. We take a step back, take a deep breath, and begin to watch the thoughts. Then we change the channel, and tune into our divine core.

Higher Learning

We begin to see how, from our spirit point of view, the negative emotions and thoughts are related to a part of us that is not our true self: our ego. We begin to see that what our partner is saying, or doing, might be related to his or her ego. On this new channel, we see our spirit to spirit connection to our partner, rather than the rift between us. We begin to speak from our true self to their true self. We work towards a resolution, continually tapping back into our core, and noticing and letting go of thoughts that only fan the freaky flames.

Is it easy? Nope. (Does this yogi-writer claim to have mastered it? Not a chance.) But, if we give it a go, we might find we’re able to transcend—hand-in-hand with our partner—the trials of maintaining a relationship.

Photo courtesy of hypertypos