Explaining sex in kindergarten: It’s never too early to have “The Talk”
Lucia’s beautiful article about explaining death to children brought up some great dialogue about when to talk about serious issues with children. In response to one comment that “our kids just work with the info to the level they’re ready, then let it surface again later with a different depth,” the author wrote back, “I think you’re so right.” This confirms to me its never a waste to start talking about these things young.
The Dreaded Talk
My five-year-old and I had the textbook-perfect talk one afternoon over dishes (me washing, him doodling at the table). He had heard me talking about the movie Juno, and wanted to know more. In 15 minutes we discussed anatomy, birth control, abortion, and why our beloved teenage babysitter might not be ready to be a mom (and also why her brother might not be the most appropriate person to help her with such a project!). As much as I’d love to just recreate the whole conversation, the more interesting aspect is what made the conversation work. Looking back, I can see the following key elements:
- Space. I had my back to him washing dishes, he had his own activity, so there was no discomfort or external drive to carry on the dialogue. It just flowed when it needed to, without him feeling me stare into his soul wondering what was going on in there.
- Time . Nothing was hurried. This could continue as long as he needed it to. In fact, I slowed down my dishwashing even more than normal to hold that space.
- Silence. Because of our mutual activities, there was comfortable silence in between each Q&A. He’d fire a question, I’d blunder through an answer, then for the next two-to-five minutes he’d quietly continue his work, letting the words and ideas bubble through his head until it led to a new question or clarification. Each time, my biggest challenge was to stay quiet, not ask a follow-up question or try to clarify what I’d said.
- Honesty. I didn’t hold back any truths, or sugarcoat things. I did try to give age-appropriate explanations that he could grasp, but didn’t hide things. Kids know when we’re doing that, and it makes them wonder what the big taboo is.
- Curiosity. He wanted this information; he initiated and carried on the conversation. In that moment, he was ready and engaged. So different than when my dad stumbled red-faced into my bedroom (after I showed a little too much enthusiasm about Daisy Duke) and stuttered, “Your mother thinks we should have a talk.”
- He ended it. Since he was in control of the whole dialogue, he knew he could end it when he’d reached his limit. Which he eventually did at the end of another long silence, quite simply by announcing he was done with his work then leaving the kitchen.
A Moment To Teach
All the above factors conspired to create a classic “teaching moment.” There are many other times that the topic comes up but can’t be pursued, such as showing off for his carpool friends by squealing, “Papa, when I was birthed, did you put your wiener in mama’s vagina?” A simple, unembarrassed “yes” is enough to reinforce the message that it’s not a bad thing, but also not a time to pursue it further.
The real dialogue will continue in unexpected spurts over the next 10 years and beyond. Each time he’ll bring a new perspective, depth of understanding, and need to know. And each time the core message I’ll be trying to communicate is simply that I am here to talk with, to share with, even to be scared with. That’s a message that will be pure gold through his confused teenage years of discovery, and it’s a message that every child of every age can understand and deserves to hear.
Recommended and Related
Where Did I Come From, by Peter Mayle
Photo by mikebaird.
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November 12th, 2008 at 3:49 am
You nailed it on the elements Rick. Thanks! It brings me back to those moments with my own boys. Although this is perfect for toddler's- it is not bad advice for teens either! Thanks,
November 12th, 2008 at 5:36 am
We had “Where did I come from” floating around the house when I was a kid. I, too, highly recommend it, as well as the other books in the same series, as appropriate. (There's one for divorce, and one for tweens / teens going through puberty.)
January 26th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Very good advice. I have a boy 12 years, and we have to discuss it with him. Thank you!
January 28th, 2009 at 10:58 am
great post thanks!
January 29th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Thanks for the info. May God have mercy on us all.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Excellent, entertaining, useful reading, Thanks !!
February 10th, 2009 at 10:20 am
That's a great post. We often are joking that “every moment is NOT a teaching moment” and knowing the elements involved when it is, is an essential part of connected parenting. Thanks for that.
February 12th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
your blog is great 419 gratz!
February 12th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
When we were writing The Power of Nice, we uncovered many facts on how nice behavior can benefit your life.
February 15th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
nice article dude
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Very info for a mother with 3 sons coming of age. Thanks for the post. Sex is never a comfortable topic to discuss with your children. Maybe it would be easier if they just read about it themselves on sites like this Love and Relationships
March 14th, 2009 at 10:32 am
It's written in the post as “kids just work with the info to the level they’re ready”.I strongly agree.
And what's the appropriate time to talk is one of the point.But I think more important point is that how to explain something to make them easily grasp. Some topics are really hard to me now.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:58 am
I dont this you should talk to children to early, Its not good for them i think
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 am
Wow,,
It's the first time i've heard of a kindergarten to be taught about sex..
I think it's not the right time for kids to know such thing.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 am
good news
May 5th, 2009 at 6:28 am
wow!Great post
June 2nd, 2009 at 5:41 am
Coming up with the right approach is one thing, and letting the kid understand it proper and not absorb its negativity is even harder. Reinforcing that it's not a bad thing along with teaching them when they should engage in one should be of top concern.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:06 am
That Sounds interesting, I agree with you.Please keep at your good
work, I would come back often.*
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Woule talk to my son about this, heh.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
It seems so hard to explain that in a kindergareten .. I also asked that in my mom when I was a young
June 18th, 2009 at 5:37 am
The challenge lies in how to explain it to them and make it clear that it isn't bad. The approach is tough indeed, and this post of yours has certainly cleared my mind on how I should be approaching my kid about it. Thanks!
July 5th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
This is such a great post! But I think, explaining those things to children is not a good idea. Maybe we should wait for the right time.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Brilliant topic. Space, time, and honesty are all important in feeding your child's curiosity about that sensitive subject.