It’s a fact of life: unless you marry your high-school sweetheart, the older you get, the more relationships you’ve had. And so has your significant other. Not only are there more relationships, but each relationship is more meaningful. There are shared pets, shared friends, ex-apartments, ex-fiances, ex-spouses, and even children.

Before I entered the world of adult dating, I didn’t really understand the importance of these factors in forming a new relationship. My lovely older sister used to lose her mind when her boyfriend (now husband)’s ex was mentioned, and I couldn’t understand why. She was history–why was the mention of her name so upsetting? I didn’t care about any of MY boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Of course I didn’t–they’d dated as teenagers or college students and topped out at a year, two at the most.

Once I joined the ranks of the grown-ups, though, I had a new appreciation for the significance of ‘the ex.’ And I’m still working through it. It’s far from complete, and I’m sure it will evolve, as all things do, as I age. But for the time being, here are a few tips I’ve found that help deal with this relationship reality in a healthy way.

1. Start Fresh (or Hide The Evidence)

In any relationship, but especially in long-termers and those involving co-habitation, things accumulate. There is just…stuff. It happens, and it’s okay. Kitchen gadgets, furniture purchased together–all these things don’t need to disappear just because the co-purchaser is no longer around. But you don’t want to stumble upon a pair of women’s shoes in the back of the closet, knowing full well that they’re not yours. That’s a little too much.

It’s certainly within your rights to ask your partner to wipe the slate clean and make an effort to remove things directly (and obviously) connected to an ex. But be forgiving. There was a time when I would find a book that my boyfriend had received from his ex-girlfriend, and see her name written inside with a date and a sweet note, and my head would explode. It didn’t bother me because it made me think about her–it bothered me because I assumed it made HIM think about her. Her clothes have to go; his books do not. Pretending he or she never existed will help nothing, but there is no need to make her presence felt in your everyday relationship. So make sure everyone cleans house.

2. Know What You Must–and Nothing More

The question of exes always comes up, either as a side note in conversation or as a topic itself. It’s only natural. With that said, learn what you must, but be careful what you ask for and make sure you’re ready to hear it. I was dying to know the details of a breakup once because I was certain that he wasn’t telling me the whole story. As I agonized about whether to bring it up, a very good friend asked me why I wanted to know so badly.

She was right. I didn’t need to know when the ex moved out, where she went, and all of the other details. Those things have NOTHING to do with me and my relationship. So, lesson learned–don’t over-pry. If you can’t ask it in person, it’s probably not something you need to know.

3. Don’t Compare

When dealing with a long-term ex, women especially seem to have a hard time distancing themselves from certain information. Was she taller, shorter, fatter, thinner? Am I prettier than she is? Are there pictures of them on a beach in an exotic part of the world? These are not things you really need to know. What you want is validation that you are the best, loveliest thing that has ever entered his world. When the urge strikes for that validation, remember that you are. I used to hate meeting his friends and family because I knew about the inevitable comparison that must be going through their minds. Hey, it’s going to happen. But he loves you, and they’ll love you, too.

4. Remember: You Have Baggage, Too

I have photos of old boyfriends. I have letters and postcards and mementos (carefully stashed away, of course). I have many friendships with ex-boyfriends, and I’m happy to have them. None of these things mean I am still in love with someone in my past. We all have exes, and they are all exes for a reason. Simple though it may seem, remembering it is the quickest way I have found to jar myself back to emotional equilibrium.

Whatever your past and whatever your partner’s past, the truth is that you are together now. Appreciate your relationship for its own beauty, and respect the experiences that made you who you are today. Don’t ignore the past, but don’t live in it. My parents have been married for 30 years, and frankly, they’ve set the bar pretty high. They make jokes and kissy faces and seem to still genuinely like each other. And yet once, over a glass of wine, as my sister and I ranted about the women who still haunted us from time to time, my mother narrowed her eyes and said “Jane Raymond.”

Seems the sting never quite wears off, but it should also never get in the way.

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