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These days, I can call myself a pretty calm individual. I very rarely fly off the handle, and very rarely let words I don’t mean tumble out of my mouth in anger. This hasn’t always been the case, however, and it took me two intense years to get myself to this semi-cool state. I’m not proud to say that in the past, I have been known to scream at the top of my lungs, kick walls, throw things, and completely ignore common sense by lunging into arguments with individuals who could cause serious consequences (I truly believe my vanity is the only reason I’ve only thrown one punch in my life…a crooked nose ain’t pretty).

In my continuing quest to argue with dignity, I have noticed a few tactics employed by people in the heat of anger, and have come to realize how dangerous these tactics can be to relationships of all kinds.

Now, I’m no Zen Buddha master, I occasionally slip back into doing these things myself, but the more we catch ourselves in these destructive habits – the better off all of our relationships will be.

We’re Arguing This! (Except, Secretly, We’re Arguing About Everything)

Ladies, you know what? I’ve found that we’re the main perpetrators of this tactic. We have fabulous memories and can multi-task, so sometimes, when we argue, we put those two together and find a way to argue about something specific and 7 other things at the same time.

The reason this is dangerous? We confuse whoever we’re arguing with. So I forgot to take out the garbage this morning, our target thinks, why is she turning into The Hulk over the stupid garbage? When we argue about something specific and everything else at the same time, we lose emotional credibility. She freaks out over everything, the target starts to think, she’s just dramatic.

In fact, most of us aren’t ‘just dramatic’ – we’re hurting because of a pattern that hasn’t been addressed yet, and accidentally let that hurt pour out because Whoever forgot to move the garbage.

If someone does something that pisses us off, we must address that one thing at the exact time it happens. If that one thing is connected to a bunch of little things, we must clearly state that our anger is about more than an overflowing garbage can—it’s about the lack of help around the house.

Clarify, verify, rectify, and your emotions will never get the better of you.

You Always Never…!

If there are two words that make me bristle when shouted in my direction, it’s “always” and “never”. Yes, when we’re arguing and angry, situations seem huge and big words seem like the right way to describe them, but who are we to tell someone they’ve always been the same and will never change?

A small argument can suddenly jump seven octaves if a person feels personally insulted or condescended, and when we throw ‘always’ and ‘never’ around, we are—essentially—condescending the other person.

I know you better than you know yourself, we say with these words, you’re incapable of change and nauseatingly predictable.

Chances are, very few of us always or never anything. We’re not machines. We are capable of change. Don’t let your anger trick you into believing otherwise.

We’re Standing In The Grocery Store, But We WILL Do This Right Here

Sometimes, your anger is so hot and bubbling that you feel like you just have to let the other person have it—casual bystanders be damned. Your needs must be met.

I’ll never forgive myself for screaming at an ex-boyfriend in the middle of a crowded hallway, turning our very real pain into a stupid spectacle. I was so pissed off at something he had said that I threw common sense out the window and laid into him right there, getting louder with each “let’s do this somewhere else” plea. Sure, I got to yell to my heart’s content, but because our argument was public, the real problems weren’t addressed, and we both ended up looking like selfish, immature, dramatic children.

You need to say your peace, you must tell this person how wrong they are—okay. I believe you. But you do not need to do it in front of others; casual bystanders, friends, or children. Dragging other people into your personal arguments is selfish and self-involved, and I guarantee the real issues will get kicked under the rug in favor of one-upmanship.

You need to say your peace, but just hold on, breathe, get your story straight, and wait until you’re somewhere that is safe and private.

I know I’m not the only one who notices the pitfalls of blind arguing. Let us know what you’re working on in your own relationships, and what you wish other people would realize when it comes to anger.

Peace really does start with the individual.

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