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I don’t like to sugarcoat things. I really loathe that kind of stuff. Just keep it 100% real with me, you know? Don’t give me a bunch of cutesy reasons why something is the way it is. I want it straight, no chaser. So when I go to the bookstore, browse the relationship section, and see 300-400 page books with a bunch of fluff, I get a little…what’s the word I’m looking for?…um…concerned.

Do we really need 400 pages to tell us what’s wrong and what’s right about our relationships? Maybe some do. I beg to differ. While I know how complicated relationships can be, I also know we create and incite much of that complexity ourselves.

Wanting Kids VS Not Wanting Kids: No One’s Changing Their Mind

Of course there are ups and downs. But some things are simply unacceptable, so why waste the time with somebody whose views are completely opposite of yours? Consider the following scenario:

You meet someone you’re interested in. You go on a few dates. After the 3rd date or so, s/he tells you s/he doesn’t like children. Never will. In fact, s/he loathes them. Nothing’s going to change his/her mind and s/he’s never ever going to have any. Conversely, you adore children. Always will. In fact, you want to raise a whole tribe of them. Like, yesterday. Nothing’s going to change your mind. Both of those views are individually fine, but this is obviously not a match.

Why continue dating someone whose values, goals, etc. are so vastly different than yours? This kind of thing is a deal breaker. We’re not talking a “he loves Kung Pao Chicken and you hate Chinese food” kinda deal breaker either, but alas, you like the person so much that you continue dating, end up getting married and then 5 years down the road, you and your Cheaper by the Dozen complex go head to head with your mate’s No Kids policy and you begin to resent each other because 5 years ago you already had this discussion, but chose to ignore it, thinking maybe you’d change each others’ minds with your special “value-changing” superpowers.

Those Issues? May Never Go Away

I have a friend who is currently dating a women he says has “abandonment and commitment issues”. Why is he dating her? His reasoning for continuing this relationship: “I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt. I think she’ll eventually see how nice of a guy I am and trust me completely.” Um…what??

She’s a really nice lady…but come on! This has been going on since before they even gave each other the boyfriend/girlfriend titles. He’s trying to cultivate something with someone who has prior issues unrelated to him and he thinks he’s going to change her mind “because he’s such a nice guy”. Okay guy…good luck with that. Now they’re having all kinds of arguments and makeups/breakups because he can’t step one foot out the door without her questioning his whereabouts and it’s driving him nuts. He says his relationship is complicated. Well, no s***, Sherlock.

They Cheated: What’s There To Discuss?

Similarly, we always have to know the “why” of everything. Does it really matter “why” your mate cheated? Perhaps to some it does. To me, it doesn’t. All that matters is they did. Sure, we can give excuses beyond excuses: “He doesn’t pay enough attention to me”, “She’s always working”, “He’s too ‘wham-bam’ for me”, “She’s boring in bed”. In my opinion, those are all irrelevant points, because you can always leave (provided you’re not married). If you are married, you’ve got to work it out. Remember those vows? Yeah, they still count.

As an “unmarried”, I’d much rather someone leave me than cheat on me. Sure it would hurt like hell, but at least have that level of respect for me. At the end of the day, I don’t want to “talk it out”. I don’t need to know “why” you did it. As a cheater, you’ve lost my respect, and frankly, there’s nothing more to talk about.

But for some, they just have to know why. Enter the onslaught of the Magnum P.I. game as they try to find out why s/he cheated, why s/he lied about something really big, why s/he did whatever unsavory deed they did, when in the end, it kind of doesn’t matter.

In my experience, when you accept such behaviors, it usually happens again in some form or fashion at a later date because the silent message has been sent that “this is acceptable and although I’m going to bitch and nag you about it for what seems like eternity, I’ll probably forgive again you because I love you that much. It doesn’t matter that you don’t love me enough to not do something that you selfishly knew would bring me incredible hurt and pain.”

Is this a compromise we’re really willing to give?

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