Early in my married life, I once enlisted a grocery stockboy to help me count the number of types of yogurt on display. Brand, flavor, size, animal, organic… there were 265 varieties at this one store. “This is why marriages fail,” I told him. “I have a one in 265 chance of getting this right.” At that moment, right on cue, my wife caught up, looked at the yogurt in my hand, and exclaimed, “Non-fat yogurt?! Have you ever tasted non-fat yogurt?!”

The first true “nag” of our marriage was a funny public event that we still laugh about 10 years later. But the idea of nagging can be anything but funny. I’m 41 years old, have run large non-profit organizations, yet am seemingly incapable of buying the correct dairy products.

Are men really that incompetent?

We try hard not to keep score (one of the secrets of a lasting relationship), but if you believe the locker-room banter and heart-to-heart men’s circles, the average man in a relationship probably gets something wrong three-to-four times a day. Three or four times a day something comes to the surface or pushes just far enough that she feels compelled to correct, question or raise an issue (how’s that for avoiding the “N” word?).

But come on, most of us men managed somehow to survive and even enjoy short or prolonged periods of time without a mother or partner, so I refuse to believe that we need ongoing coaching. We are grown adults, competent professionals, yet apparently barely scraping out a passing grade in life.

Are women so much better?

Now maybe it’s the narrow perspective of my gender, but I just don’t think we complain or argue or correct our partners that much. And I do know that in our men’s gatherings this lopsided-ness is a common observation.

So are women truly better at this relationship thing, or are men just less vocal about their disgruntlements? As one of the few men on this website, I’ll stick my neck way the heck out and let you in on a secret: we men do hold it in. We just put up with a lot of stuff rather than go through the conflict and hassle of confrontation. That’s why we complain a lot less, and why we often just shrug and lose an argument rather than duke it out. It just plain ain’t worth it. Call it “whipped” or call it survival instinct; fact is that if we fought back and brought up issues as often as our partners, there would be a lot more conflict and a lot less loving going on.

Two pieces of advice I received from the men’s circle before my wedding:

1. Learn to say “Yes, dear.” I thought they were just joking…
2. Hold her hand in the mall (not relevant here, but always nice to repeat).

Just to reassure you (or perhaps further worry you), we do this with our guy friends too. While we see our female partners spending so much time talking it out with friends, we just get pissed off with our guy friends, maybe take some time away, then get back together with our buddies and never talk about what happened. We understand and trust that conflict happens then it clears, and that friendship continues.

Who makes the rules?

When it comes to the household – a source of many conflicts – most of us men just do have lower standards. Unwashed dishes, dusty floors and uninspired meals indicate a loss of quality of life for my wife, whereas for me they just mean we’ve spent our energies on higher priorities.

For example, how often do you have the talk about cleaning the bathtub? When it comes, we meekly explain that we do rinse it out, or maybe be bolder and assert that we clean it to our standards. I sometimes resort to humor, reminding her that in grad school I chose to swim and shower in the school pool every other day so that I could completely avoid cleaning or using our disgusting bathtub for two full years.

But in the end, it’s true that she does more of the deep cleaning, because it means more to her. In my mind, it’s therefore fair that she does more, but that’s not an argument I can ever win, so I’ll swallow any more self-defense, participate in the big Saturday clean-up, then quietly go back to life as usual.

Yes, this is normal

I deeply love and cherish my wife, and believe that our relationship is one of the healthiest around. This is just normal, and like that old bickering couple we probably don’t even realize it’s going on most of the time. It’s just an occasional frustration, or perhaps an ongoing one that bubbles to the surface – usually out with a buddy who just gives that knowing nod (most guys are not this foolish to publish on a website that his wife and many friends will read).

Don’t believe me? Ask your man. If you’re lucky, he may take a chance and agree a bit. But if he’s wise, he’ll hedge a lot and back off quickly. I’ll probably wish I’d done the same about two minutes after I hit “send.”

Speaking of being in hot water, I’d better go get those dishes done.