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“How’s your ‘cougar show’ coming along?” One friend asks me. Another inquires with a wink as to whether “my boy toy” is actually doing any work. A third refers to him as “my 25 year old,” and smiles with surprise when I coldly announce he’s written another four songs. “Oh, talented young thing, is he?” As though he were some trick poodle sniffing around for beef chews. I play her one of his compositions to prove my point. She raises her eyebrows, “Well, I can see why you have a crush on him.”

Sexism and Ageism Is Alive And Well

If you knew my colleague (and they don’t) you’d be as deeply offended as I am about these stupid sexist comments about him. He’s a hardworking humble artist, if anything a bit on the shy side. Most certainly he’s not some “himbo” playboy romancing a married woman for a leg up in his career. Reverse the gender, ladies, and you’d be horrified to hear yourself.

Sexual Harassment of Men

My blood boils when I think of how he’s being belittled. Men have not dismissed him this way; it has all come from women in my community. They automatically assume he’s not really talented or capable of depth or discipline because he’s young. It seems a given that, because he’s male, his only worth to me is as a sexual object. Could it not possibly be I’m working with him because he’s a magnificent musician, a soulful writer and a strong performer perfect for the part? I hired him because I’m a smart business woman. He’s going to sell tickets.

Perhaps they see him as a sexual object? Or perhaps they’re jealous I’m giving this opportunity to a man? I don’t know.

I have written 22 plays now with great roles for women. And even though I’ve created some wonderful parts for men, I’ve always struggled with capturing any male character under the age of 30. They always come off a bit flat. So, I decided to co-write this show with my aforementioned male colleague. We put our heads together, and to great effect. We’ve written two drafts in the matter of a few months, we’ve already sold the film option for the story and have lined up a director and producer for the play.

The Mysterious Younger Man

One of the reasons why I have always struggled with the younger male voice is: I grew up without a man in the house. Mom raised us on her own. I do have a brother but he’s almost 10 years younger than me. I was out of the house before he hit his teen years and then he went away to live with my Dad. Dating wise, I have always had relationships with older men, including my husband who is 13 years older. Therefore, any male between the ages of 13 and 30 is a complete mystery to me.

Raising Men

But I think it’s more than that. I think I have been told all my life: as soon as men hit puberty they become complete idiots and can’t be dealt with until they hit 30 and grab some emotional maturity. This sexist attitude is confirmed in our media, in our entertainment and likely, in how we parent our sons and indulge our lovers. We create a self fulfilling prophesy by expecting and tolerating immaturity in men. “Oh, they can’t help it.” If we don’t expect much from our sons and chalk up any lazy or destructive behavior as a simple result of “testosterone,” we damage them by giving an excuse to stay childish and selfish.

Ex-Sexist Pig

It wasn’t until I taught a playwriting course a few years ago that I realized how sexist I was, out of ignorance. I had two men in their 20s take my first class. They were immediately and unabashedly generating soulful, sensual poetic intelligent work. They showed a deep understanding of the human condition. It blew my mind. I was shocked that it shocked me. Now that the scales on my eyes have been ripped off, I can’t tolerate it in others. You know. Like ex-smokers. I’m an ex-sexist pig. Now I can’t be in the same room as one.

I don’t think young men are in danger of not getting work due to sexism. (Still, in my field, work for men outnumbers work for women approximately one to 10 jobs.) But the work may suffer. We expect great things from our daughters, we need to also expect great things from our sons.

Photo by preciouskhyatt.