Have you heard?

Valentine’s Day is coming up…soon. And for those of us without a partner in crime, Valentine’s Day tends to be less than thrilling. Unless, of course, you consider romantic comedies and a tube of cookie dough to be thrilling.

But while everyone else is weeping silently over pictures of lost loves and giving the stink eye to every couple that passes, I am actually quite excited about being single this year. No, I am not some Samantha character who much prefers no-strings-attached sex, but I am someone who has learned to love the single life and I feel it is important to remind everyone out there of the good sides.

Body Maintenance

When I was in a relationship, maintaining my body for someone else was my biggest goal. Sure, I benefitted from the exercising and healthy eating, but being single is about doing it all for me! I work out because it makes me feel good, not because I’m afraid of the jiggles during sex. Plus, I don’t have to shave my legs every time I shower or go through monthly hell in the form of a bikini wax. Score one for single-dom.

Everything is on My Time

Do I feel like taking a 6:30 Pilates class while most people would prefer to be home cooking dinner? I can do it. Do I want to lay around in my underwear all day Saturday reading my books and catching up on my TV? I can do it. Do I want to meet up with the girls for a drink before meeting up with other girls for another drink? I can do it all. And I don’t have to answer to anyone!

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The elusive topic of “what women want,” has long evaded psychologists, behaviorists, anthropologists, and ordinary members of either sex for centuries. In a recent New York Times article, contributing writer Daniel Bergner tries to explore the subject by examining several modern day sexologists and their experiments, theories, and discoveries.

Chivers and Her Videos

Meredith Chivers, a psychology professor and sexual researcher, has recently studied the levels of arousal among men and women of both homosexual and heterosexual orientation while they watched a variety of erotic videos. Though a highly-regarded member among the small canon of female sexologists “devoted to comprehending female desire,” Chivers is certainly not the first to take the question, “What do women want?” to a scientific level. 1929, Katharine Bement Davis surveyed the sexual experiences of over 2,000 women. Seventy years later, the desires of women are still baffling.

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Even the best recipes benefit from adding a favorite spice. Intimacy is about more than the physical act of sex–it also includes a strong emotional connection with another person.

Emotional intimacy brings you closer to the person you love and allows you to feel safe enough to explore fantasies together. Loving exploration within the safety of a committed relationship requires a certain level of trust. Once you’ve established that type of trust with another person, you’re free to explore the extent of those possibilities without feeling kinky.

Use Your Senses

Each person has individual preferences for what feels good. In Sex on the Brain, Daniel G. Amen, M.D., indicates that some people prefer routine to feel safe with intimate acts, while others need and grow with variation and novel experiences. One simple way to add spice to intimacy is by engaging all five senses–especially smell. Research suggests men respond to lavender and pumpkin spice. Women respond to baby powder and baking bread.

Know Your Limits

When experimenting with new techniques and accessories, you should know your personal boundaries and communicate them to your partner. Once you have agreed to the parameters for your play, make certain to have a safe word to let the other person know you feel uncomfortable and should stop. That is not to say you won’t feel some heart-thumping excitement and maybe a little trepidation over trying something new, but you will know the difference between what feels good and what creates a feeling of discomfort.

Adding spice to intimacy is based on taste. You can start out with a little and then add more as you desire. In addition to learning new tips from how-to examples like the Kama Sutra, tantric techniques, or educational videos, you can explore other options.

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I don’t like to sugarcoat things. I really loathe that kind of stuff. Just keep it 100% real with me, you know? Don’t give me a bunch of cutesy reasons why something is the way it is. I want it straight, no chaser. So when I go to the bookstore, browse the relationship section, and see 300-400 page books with a bunch of fluff, I get a little…what’s the word I’m looking for?…um…concerned.

Do we really need 400 pages to tell us what’s wrong and what’s right about our relationships? Maybe some do. I beg to differ. While I know how complicated relationships can be, I also know we create and incite much of that complexity ourselves.

Wanting Kids VS Not Wanting Kids: No One’s Changing Their Mind

Of course there are ups and downs. But some things are simply unacceptable, so why waste the time with somebody whose views are completely opposite of yours? Consider the following scenario:

You meet someone you’re interested in. You go on a few dates. After the 3rd date or so, s/he tells you s/he doesn’t like children. Never will. In fact, s/he loathes them. Nothing’s going to change his/her mind and s/he’s never ever going to have any. Conversely, you adore children. Always will. In fact, you want to raise a whole tribe of them. Like, yesterday. Nothing’s going to change your mind. Both of those views are individually fine, but this is obviously not a match.

Why continue dating someone whose values, goals, etc. are so vastly different than yours? This kind of thing is a deal breaker. We’re not talking a “he loves Kung Pao Chicken and you hate Chinese food” kinda deal breaker either, but alas, you like the person so much that you continue dating, end up getting married and then 5 years down the road, you and your Cheaper by the Dozen complex go head to head with your mate’s No Kids policy and you begin to resent each other because 5 years ago you already had this discussion, but chose to ignore it, thinking maybe you’d change each others’ minds with your special “value-changing” superpowers.

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The first time I saw the commercials where young girls were saying, “Tell someone,” it brought tears to my eyes. Finally, I thought, finally there’s attention being brought to HPV and its connection to cervical cancer. Girls need to have this information and understand what they can do to help prevent contracting this disease.

Women are very lucky in these modern times—not only to have access to life-saving information, but also to a vaccine to help fight this potentially deadly virus. Even just 20 years ago—when I contracted HPV, which led to cervical cancer—women didn’t have such protection. And I, for one, would have been so grateful to have it.

The Beginning of My Story

Admittedly, I was extremely naïve about sex, contraception and the ugliness of STDs. I held on to my virginity until I was in my late teens. Then I believed that by going on the pill, I was already protected from the scariest thing that could result from sex–pregnancy. I knew what STDs were but never thought I could get one.

When I was 18, I got into my first relationship with a guy I adored and trusted. We never used condoms, and I never thought to ask. I figured that I was on the pill and I was monogamous, so I was safe. But after a few months, he proved me wrong. He’d been cheating on me with a girl well known for her promiscuity. I was hurt and ended the relationship…but my problems were only beginning.

The First Signs

A few months after I broke up with him, I started feeling ill. In addition to flu-like symptoms, my periods were more painful and heavier than usual. It was like a never-ending yeast infection. I ignored the symptoms, figuring the problem would disappear on its own. It didn’t.

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