in·vi·o·la·ble:

1: secure from violation or profanation
2: secure from assault or trespass

There are a lot of things I believe are important, sacred and inviolable, but my behavior often rats me out. Do you know what I mean? Here are a few examples of what I believe, closely followed by the facts.

• I am attentive to my kids.
(Most of the time, but not always.)

• I make time for a daily spiritual practice.
(This is spotty at best.)

• I engage in meticulous self-care.
(Ha!)

After some honest soul-searching, I came up with two things I NEVER mess with:

1. My commitment to a monogamous marriage.

2. My exercise routine six days a week.

Let’s leave the exercise routine for another day–I want to talk about monogamy.

If you find yourself daydreaming about what would have happened if you married Mr. First Love, I have a couple of suggestions for you. I am keeping this simple but serious.

Love Yourself

If you want your marriage to be inviolable, the first place to look is inward–not at your partner and certainly not at that cute person standing in front of you ordering a skim chai latte! Really, there is no more important agenda on your to-do list. If you don’t care about yourself, you know how the song goes–you’ll be looking for love in all the wrong places. First it will be your kids, then the dog, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hoping your barista can make you feel lovable and alive.

Researchers at the University of Cambridge have learned why it is that locusts (yes, like in the plagues!) swarm. Typically, locusts are “shy” (their word, not mine) and solitary organisms. The swarming that we usually associate them with is a rare and unusual occurrence. In fact, it happens only in response to life-threatening droughts or other situations in which the locusts’ food supply is limited. Then, locusts gather together in the tens of millions to migrate and seek out new food sources. (In the process, they often devour our crops and vegetation.)

Locusts Choose Life

The short of it is that as they begin to hone in on increasingly limited food sources and bump up against one another (which increases serotonin production), they become more “gregarious” (yup–that is what the scientist said), and this keeps them together to migrate. How do the scientists know for sure? Well, when the researchers limited serotonin production, those locusts wouldn’t budge, no matter what the proximity of other locusts was. They stayed put.

Why Should We Care About Pest Control?

As soon as I heard this report on the radio, I felt a pang in my heart. How did locusts get so lucky? When their depression-like state gets dire and they’re facing sure death, they don’t sit in a chair staring at a wall while the people who love them desperately try to get through to them. They don’t have to be dragged into a doctor’s office so that they can get some medication. They don’t sink deeper and deeper into a black hole, isolated and alone.

NO! They are programmed to seek out their compatriots, which automatically kicks up their serotonin levels and keeps them hanging on to one another until they find salvation!

We recently read about Danielle heeding her “deep creative inklings.” Not long ago, Jonathan Fields was interviewed here and spoke about his own dramatic move from law career to pursuing his entrepreneurial passions. Just have a look at the list of contributors to this blog–so many of us tell the story of making a shift to answer a calling in our lives. So how does it happen, and how do you even know that what you’re sensing is a call?

Notice What Gets Your Attention

A call always gets our attention. It’s a call if it takes us away from what we have been aware of previously and heightens us to a new sense of awareness. Think of the suddenness of phone calls… you’re deep in thought or conversation, and then the phone rings. Boom–your awareness shifts to the ring. Phone calls always remind me of hotel wake-up calls. I have done my fair share of business travel recently, and if you have, too, then you know that not all wake-up calls are alike.

The Ring with No Voice Message

The phone rings. You grope for it, pick it up, put it to your ear, and…nothing. This is always a bit of a surprise to me. You expect someone to say something. Some callings are like that phone call. You get an intuitive hit somehow, but there doesn’t seem to be any message attached to it. It can almost feel like a distraction or a wrong number. Is this meant for me? What on Earth does it mean, and what am I supposed to be noticing? You don’t know…but it still nags at you.

It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

On a recent plane ride, I sat across the aisle from a married couple. Before the doors had closed and while people were still using cell phones, the man was talking on the phone to someone who sounded like his business partner. He seemed easygoing and had a sense of humor about a challenge they were facing. He even spent a few minutes inquiring about his partner’s family.

We were then instructed to turn off all electronic devices, and the man readily complied. I tried to settle into my book when suddenly I heard him yelling at his wife. Without repeating their conversation, suffice it to say that this was a totally different man than the one I heard a few moments ago. His tone was contemptuous, and he attacked his wife without ever giving her an opening to respond. I actually had to force myself to turn away when I realized I was staring dumbfounded.

Some are satin; some are steel
Some are silk, and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

This was a pretty extreme transformation. And yet, the truth is that we all have so many different parts of ourselves. Often, some parts go into hiding in our most precious relationships. Do you have a different persona at work? At your gym? With your best friend? That doesn’t mean you switch consciously (although you might). Think about it–if you have to run outside for a minute, you just grab the pair of shoes that are at the door. You don’t go up to your closet and consider which pair would be most fitting for getting the mail or bringing the garbage out. We all fall into comfortable habits. And so in our relationships, we take on the persona that is most familiar and closest to the surface.

You Build Expectations in your Head…

6:00 p.m: Your husband and son are at a physical therapy session. You like that this creates some bonding time for them. As you close down your computer, you imagine that they will come home and you will give your husband a kiss and talk about your day. (You have already seen your son today and he will be off to finish his homework). Your husband will be happy to just unwind with you — cuddle and talk. He has been a little under the weather and feels like you haven’t really been there for him. You have been busy and distracted lately and you know it will feel good to set aside this time to be together.

Then Real Life Intervenes

8:00 p.m: It’s already an hour later than you expected your husband and son to return. You want to get to bed early because you want to get up for your 5:30 spin class. You had been sitting in the living room watching Seinfeld reruns. Now you go up to change for bed. You notice that your son’s laptop is open and when you casually go over to it you see he has put a lock on his screen. You start obsessing about what untrustworthy things he is doing. You lie in bed, pretending to read, all the while preoccupied with how to have the conversation with your son.

You Get Caught in the Act of Missing your Opportunity

8:40 p.m: As soon as you hear the key in the lock you call your son (in a slightly menacing tone — after all, you’ve been stewing for awhile) to come to your room so you can talk to him. Meanwhile, your husband comes in and you barely glance his way. You strike a balanced tone with your son between concern and levity. Phew, the connection isn’t broken. After your son has left, your husband says, “Hi to you too!” in the tone that says, “Don’t I count around here?”

I recently worked with a couple who craved rituals in their life for different reasons. She had grown up in a family with a rich and textured home life, his parents had divorced when he was young and the most consistent ritual in his life was shuffling between his parent’s apartments. They longed to create experiences they could rely on, experiences that would signal to them that they were in a stable and healthy relationship.

Their instinct was right. Research shows that the more rituals couples share, the greater the likelihood they will stay together.

Rituals: Not Just For the Holidays

This couple wanted things they did regularly to celebrate the various holidays during the year. What they didn’t realize was that they already had wonderful rituals that brought them together. She makes them coffee every morning as they get ready for work. On Saturdays they cuddle together in bed relishing the prospect of a free day. Once a week he goes to the farmer’s market to buy the ingredients for a great soup which he cooks for the two of them. She does the dishes when he cooks.

Rituals Need Structure and Heart

Rituals have two key ingredients; they’re structured (happen at predictable times of the day or week), and they are infused with a commitment to connect to one another — they have heart. Rituals that are structured but lack heart are not going to bring you closer together (think throwing his discarded socks on his cereal bowl every morning!), and rituals with heart but no structure are simply not sustainable (think the day you both played hooky from work and went to the beach instead).

I am fascinated by love letters. They’re full of passion and longing and vulnerability. When it comes to this topic, I am still an adolescent drawn to drama and unrequited love. My own history has something to do with it. As a teenager, I received letters from a married teacher 20 years my senior (who I had a major crush on which of course escalated the drama) and as a college student I received long fervent letters from a spurned boyfriend. I saved these letters longer into my 18 year old marriage than I care to admit!

Writing is such sweet sorrow

My obsession has also been fueled by plays, movies and songs:

“Un ramito de violetas”- the song
Evangelina Sobredo Galanes was a Spanish songwriter who wrote this haunting song about a woman who, for years, receives anonymous flowers and poems from a man who turns out to be her husband. She never realizes that the man of her dreams is in fact the man she married. She is blind to his deep romantic nature, a nature she craves. He is unable to show his true self to his wife with whom he is desperately in love. The song ends in silent suffering.

Love Letters — the movie
The 1945 movie of this name was scripted by Ayn Rand. The New York Times panned it when it first appeared. Yet the story offers the drama I relish — a soldier in Italy writes love letters to a woman on behalf of his friend, and inevitably the soldier falls in love with the woman. The friend dies. Will the true lovers ever meet?

Now that last year has drawn to a close, we’ll most likely begin to see retrospectives and remembrances of all the famous people who died. Each year at this time, the national preoccupation with loss brings me face to face with my own longing for those no longer present: A dear friend, an aunt, a colleague. What to do with the grief , the memories and pieces of ourselves that lie dormant? Over the years different practices have helped me and I am grateful to friends and family who have taught me by their own example.

Capture the Memories of Passed Loved Ones

Gather together with friends and family and retell the stories that connect you to those no longer with us. Don’t worry if not all the stories are flattering, it’s the sheer life in them that preserves. Pull out the photo albums, re-read the old letters. What was the joke he always got wrong? What was the story she loved to tell every year? Let the tears flow and the laughter heal.

Write Letters to Those Who Have Passed

Sometimes, when the feelings run too deep and the wound is too raw for collective reminiscing, I find letter writing to be an intimate and cathartic activity. Sometimes I write to the friend I lost. I want him to know what is happening in my life. I want to tell him what has happened in our world that I know would give him joy. Sometimes I write to my children so that they may learn about their special relative. I can share her impact in my life and convey to my children what would surely have been her wish for them. The letters don’t need an address. The writing is the tribute.

It is the season of endings and beginnings. I look out my window and most of the trees are bare. Yet two oak trees stand with their tenacious dried and brown leaves rustling in the wind. Every year, these leaves hang on for dear life through the winter. Sometime around April, when the new buds begin to appear, they quietly make their solitary trip down to the ground. What are they holding on to? Or is the tree simply unwilling to let go? What must it be like to look around at the bare landscape and know that their fellow foliage made different choices?

These trees remind me of some of the couples that I coach. Their situation looks bleak and yet they are holding on. There is the memory of who they were. There is the dream of who they were going to become. Relationships are mysterious and magical and often coaching moves the couple to a new place that the evanescent leaves can never hope to go. A place of stability and permanence. Are you in a relationship that is holding on?

Your child tells you he is going to play at a neighbor’s house. The neighbors are close friends and you don’t give it a second thought. An hour later your friend calls to tell you she thinks the boys went off to the woods behind your house – a place you know they shouldn’t be.

Your daughter has stopped letting you check her knapsack when she comes home from school. One day as you are cleaning her room you discover a pile of small things (a pencil case, a key ring, a notepad) that clearly don’t belong to her.

Your kids have household chores to do each week and they are not getting done.

Four Questions for Parents

As a parent you ask, “What do I do now that things are going wrong? What kind of corrective action do I have to take? What discipline does my child need?” While there are clearly going to be times when some direct intervention is called for to keep your child safe or to prevent a serious incident, more often than not, the solution lies in prevention.

The Arbinger Institute, in a powerful article entitled The Parenting Pyramid™, tells us there are four questions parents should be asking themselves:

I am not a cook. I don’t spend enough time in the kitchen to merit that distinction. (My mother-in-law has nothing to fear from me.) But I do cook and I am rather proud of what I can do, however I tend to get a lot of flack from my family about the way I cook. Here are some of the hallmarks…

I improvise

I can never repeat good recipes (and thankfully bad ones). The printed page is just a guideline. I leave out ingredients I don’t like, and substitute when, I realize after my third trip to the market this week, I still don’t have what I need.

I am thrifty

I “concoct” with leftovers and “hide” ingredients I think my family might not like.

I multi-task

Cooking is the best time for me to talk to my best bud, listen to my books on tape or tune into my favorite NPR program.

When our kids were young, there were so many windows to perch from to marvel at who they were becoming. There were play dates and park benches. The tables around which we painted and made play-dough. The floors we sat on to read stories and engage in make-believe. Car rides in which anything and everything could (and did) happen. Today car rides are more likely to include other kids in the car pool and surreptitious texting. Most weeknight dinners are too rushed for relaxed and unobtrusive parental perching. And unless we are babysitting our cousins, our play-dough days seem to be over!

So, as they grow, we need to be much more creative and alert to catch the quick reflection of the evolving spirit of our children. If you want a good view, here are some of the places I have learned to look:

Their writing

It is true that a lot of so-called creative writing in school is circumscribed by topic and rarely reveals your child’s inner soul. Nevertheless, as kids get older, their perspectives on their world, and the books they read, for example, can tell you a lot about how they think and what moves them.

The music they love

My son has recently become a fan of Ben Fold. He told me to listen to the words of his two favorite songs: Learn to Live With What You Are and Still Fighting It about a dad who doesn’t want his son to grow up…Need I say more?

I am a mother of sons and I am raising husbands. When my son was three years old, he considered pink his favorite color and he loved to play with his kitchen set. These would not even merit mention but for the fact that the moms around me felt it was “interesting.” It is amazing how invasive society’s rules about our gendered lives really are. It has always been important to me to help my boys express themselves fully. What that means in reality is giving them opportunities to recognize, name and confidently feel a full range of emotions. Anger, silliness, and joy. These are the more socially acceptable emotions for boys. But fear, sadness and a deep sense of connection are so much harder to nurture.

Here are two moments in my son’s lives (Insert: Your future sons-in-law) that I treasure:

My teenage son’s camp friends have just spent a long weekend at our home as part of a camp reunion. My husband drives the boys home and our son joins them to say goodbye. My husband comes home amazed to have witnessed the emotional farewell of these close friends-hugging and all!

I walk into the living room where my son is reading a book on the couch. As I get closer I see that he is crying. Gently, I sit down next to him and ask him if he is okay. He looks at me. “Yeah”, he says through tears, “but this book is so sad. The children in this book are being treated so meanly.”

When our eldest turned 13, he received an iPod from my husband’s sister and a laptop from mine. Could it really be that bad? We all love music, singing and the piano have brought us together. My husband had an iPod for about a year at this point, and this became a “thing” around which they bonded. Our son was listening to my husband’s favorites and vice versa. Two years later, my younger son got the same set of gifts and the bonding intensified exponentially. But look. The brothers weren’t driving each other crazy; they were sharing music and talking about playlists and how to use the programs on their computer. Now presents in our house are more likely to be Apple gift certificates.

It is a slippery slope

We kept noticing that we were spending a little less time in each other’s rooms. Sunday afternoons had become a time for all of us to “work” at our computers. When we tried to pick a Sunday night movie to watch together, we would huddle around the computer and check the parental guidance site. Our boys had figured out how to watch TV on their laptops. Bad news. The kids were getting exposed to reruns of Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond. Good news.

When I was a teenager, I never asked my parents for small things. (It could have something to do with the pair of roller skates I asked for when I was 10 and never got, Dad!) I asked for big things. Really BIG things: a car, a trip abroad, a week at a spa. In each case, I felt they were extravagant requests, and I also thought “what the hell? what is the worst that could happen, they say no?”

So, now I am a parent. When we buy gifts, we try to spend our money in ways that bring us together as a family. Vacations and meals rank high on the list. We favor puzzles and our ping pong table. Rather surprisingly, the hammock, which I bought for my husband, has turned into a family magnet as well!

We try to set limits

Today, BIG things usually mean a gadget or game for your television, anything hand-held and electronic, cell phones and access to social networking websites. Our kids do not have TVs in their rooms. There was no internet access until last year (they were 14 and 12). We never owned a Nintendo, an Xbox or a PS2. We don’t have a Wii. When our oldest son was in 8th grade he was in the “no cell phone” club. There were three of them until the day he came home and announced, “It’s just me, Ma!” Now that he travels to a high school 30 minutes away, he does have a cell phone (bottom of the line; NO bluetooth and NO texting). AIM accounts were started and stopped. (Okay, this last one was more because they were messing up my computer than because of any objections we had to it.)

Give if it feels good? In Hebrew, the word for charity actually emerges from the root word for Justice. Perfect isn’t it? We are not just talking about a nice thing to do. The spirit moved you and you acted charitably. Great! What if the spirit doesn’t move you? Are you not responsible for acting justly in this world? I sound a little strident don’t I? I am not trying to get biblical here.

I just think that if we rely on charity we are hoping that people will be inspired to give, to serve this world. Some people are more inclined to tap into that capacity than others. If, on the other hand, we are pursuing justice, well, it seems like we can teach people to be just. I am really not preaching. I am simply thinking like a mother.

Take Pride in Your Children’s Natural Instincts

I have two boys who amaze me constantly with their capacity for giving. I see my boys when they were toddlers holding out their teddy bears, and other cherished toys, to offer to a friend’s child. For years, every summer and winter the three of us would roll up our sleeves and enthusiastically clean out the toys so that we could deliver them to children in need. (I will never forget the winter break when my older son was about eight and he suggested it as a “fun” activity we could do together). When my children come into some “extra money” from their grandparents they start planning on gifts for each other and for us. Really, I am crying here in Barnes and Noble as I realize what a gift my children’s giving nature has given to me.

When Carrie told us about Bob’s steel cut oats for breakfast, I went out and bought a package. I love oatmeal, I think of it as the ultimate comfort food. And yet in my case it may be a shadow comfort. I wanted to feel virtuous that I was putting good food into my body. And yet, despite the fact that I know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I have noticed that when I start my day with comfort food breakfast (bagels, muffins and croissants all fit the category for me) I tend to keep eating in unhealthy ways through out the day.

“Why?” is the province of toddlers. They are learning at such a fast pace, their curiosity is off the charts. Do you think children need answers to their why questions? I wonder. Answers can often be full stops and the end of conversation. It’s more likely that children are in fact simply using “why” as a form of exploration rather than searching for a one-word answer.

And how about for us adults? Skim through Style Statement or peruse the panoply of Daily Q & A’s. You will be hard-pressed to find questions that begin with “Why?” Why is that you may ask? Ah, gotcha! If you really want to know, we can probably ask Carrie and Danielle. Here are some thoughts on the way of the ‘why’:

Why questions take you to your head. You immediately try to figure something out. Not a problem if the question is, “Why does red and blue make purple?” When we are trying to find meaning in our lives and make a difference in the world, I say, let’s go straight to our hearts!

Why questions deceive you into believing that there are simple explanations for complex questions. Like, “Why can‘t you settle down and make a commitment?”- There’s an easy one!

Why questions can sink you deeper into a problem rather than guide you toward meaningful action. Okay, so maybe you keep sabotaging your diets because your father told you how much he loved his plump baby. And maybe your father did this because you have a genetic predisposition towards eating disorders. Wow, that sucks. Better go eat some ice cream to cheer up!

The value of questions is their capacity to connect us to our truer, deeper selves. They let us linger in the questions, and explore. They awaken our curiosity about ourselves and our world. Abraham Joshua Heschel said it best on the first page of his book, God In Search of Man.

In the process of thinking, an answer without a question is devoid of life. It may enter the mind; it will not penetrate the soul. It may become part of one’s knowledge; it will not come forth as a creative force.

Recommended and Related

God in Search of Man: A Philosophy of Judaism, by Abraham Joshua Heschel

Photo by pulihora.

When my husband and I were still dating (for seven years, mind you) I cried any time we went to a movie in which a man made a commitment to a woman he loved. My husband always cries in movies about fathers and sons. All it takes is a son’s longing to connect to his dad or vice versa and the tears flow. Recently, I had a week in which three different clients cried in the context of our coaching session. In each case, the tears came when I (or the client’s partner) said something that desperately needed to be heard:

• “You need to give yourself time to mourn the life dream you let wither.”
• “The memory of your dad, is a memory of acceptance, he accepted you and that memory can bring you to your own self-acceptance.”
• “I want to always remember how much I love you.”

In all cases, the tears represent a kind of release, when a longing we have is suddenly tapped into. A truer, deeper part of ourselves has been touched and even if we can’t speak about it, our tears are the pathway there. They are a signal for us to pay attention.

My husband and I have two sons and it is striking how different they are from each other in some very fundamental ways. The younger one is driven by his own internal curiosity and passions. He loves learning and he loves school. He has never met a boring topic and his main stress in life is that there are not enough hours in the day to learn more about all that he is interested in. He is both exhilarating and exhausting to be around. His challenge in life will be to figure out how he wants to channel his energy to make a mark on the world.

Our older son also loves school. (We never had those bleary-eyed, “do I have to go to school today?” mornings!) For him it is mostly the social life that draws. Classes are just something he does between talking to his friends. There have been glimmers of interest here and there-photography, architecture, a cool science experiment. Math, because he knows it comes easily to him. But by and large, what he lacks is passion and the relentless pursuit of, well, anything. Now that he is in high school, my husband and I are hoping that the school and all its offerings will ignite a spark that will carry him into adulthood.

“Lucid Living holds a vision of an enchanted new world.” So begins the vision statement for Lucid Living, a company founded by Leza Danly. Some years back, I had heard a class offered by Leza in which she talked about emotions and authenticity. I bought one of her tapes, entitled, Loving Your Inner Child and Adolescent: The First Gateway to Spiritual Adulthood. This year, my own coach is in the midst of a year-long course offered by Lucid Living. Her own transformations have so inspired me that I asked Leza Danly if I could talk to her to learn more.

Leza’s style statement is Sacred Dramatic, but she wanted me to know that “Cherished” was a close runner-up for her lead type.

This year is a significant one for our family. My husband and I are a few months away from celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary. And this month, my parents will be celebrating their 50th.

After all these years, there are a lot of stories we could, and do, tell about our lives. Which stories we choose to hold on to, though, can determine what the future will look like. There are the stories we tell in public, the ones we tell our kids, the ones we tell our best friends, and let’s not forget the ones we tell ourselves as we are waiting for our partner to get out of the house or listening to our significant other snore in bed.

If you are in a relationship right now, just stop and think about the stories you tell.

What is the picture you paint about your relationship?

Do your stories bring you closer or do they serve to keep you locked up in your self-righteous tower?

What character do you play? Are you the damsel in distress? The innocent victim? The long-suffering martyr?

When I was growing up, I was never satisfied being me. I wanted to be able to “spike” on the volley ball court like Kaori. I wanted to draw portraits like Patty. I wanted to do funky embroidery like Yako and have Kimie’s impeccable handwriting. Actually handwriting was a “thing” for me. I spent hours mimicking the handwriting of my various classmates. I was good. And somehow, I believed as a teenager that if I could write like them, I would magically adopt the characteristics of their personalities (and bodies) that I coveted.

When my kids were younger I used to read them a great picture book entitled, When Mom Turned into a Monster by Joanna Harrison.

Am I that woman?

Essentially it is about a mom who slowly turns into a monster as she desperately tries to clean her house and prepare a meal for company due to arrive later that day. Needless to say, the house is a wreck and the children keep making it harder while the mom, quite literally, turns into a monster. She is large and green and slimy and scares the bazooties off her kids. (Note: My kids will not let us give this book away as they are never sure when it will become relevant again!)

Like it or not we are all thinking about the Presidential election right now. Even if you didn’t watch the vice presidential debate or Katie Couric’s interview of Gov. Palin, you are watching the stock market, imagining the billions of dollars going into the war in Iraq, wondering if your bank is going to go under and sensing deep down that this election could actually make a difference. But are you also wondering if you can make a difference?

Which Candidate are you buying?

This idea has always been one of my core values. Basically if you are one of my really good friends, you and I are going to laugh—a lot. And if we don’t know each other, our laughter will connect us. One of the nicest material gifts ever given to me was a bumper sticker that reads: SHE WHO LAUGHS, LASTS.

As it turns out, the research shows that not only is laughter therapeutic, but laughing can be a path to intimacy. Do a Google search on the role of humor in relationships. You will see that lots of people are thinking and writing about this issue. It is preoccupying us, maybe because our world seems to be facing so many serious issues. I am not talking about laughing at a funny TV sitcom (are there any left?). I am talking about that pre-verbal connection that we make with another human being that brings us in sync with each other. It takes us outside of our heads and into our bodies for a rare magical non-judgmental moment.

If you are a parent, you know your child’s laughter is one of the most irresistible sounds around.

uptight, adjective
1. Nervously tense, irritable, or angry
2. unable to express one’s feelings

Think of a person you have difficulty being with. Notice what happens to your body, your muscles. Notice your breathing. Check your heart rate. When we are uptight, we are not really engaging with the person in front of us. We are actually having an entire conversation with ourselves (I can’t believe I have to be here, this person is just tolerating me, I am afraid I will do something stupid, I want to scream…).

Now think of a person you love, one you feel truly at home with. Your soul-mate, your best bud. What shifts? Do a quick body scan. Imagine yourself standing in front of this person. Where is your attention? The chances are that you are completely focused on the human being in front of you. You are present with them and not lost in an internal dialogue. You are open to whatever comes next in the interaction.

This summer our family took a long overseas trip—it was wonderful, and it was hard not to notice how much money we were spending. This month, I am opening up a local office outside my home and suddenly the expenses are piling up—rent, new phone, liability insurance, printing postcards to let everyone know…and the list goes on. Not surprisingly money has become more of a topic of conversation at home and it is not always a warm and fuzzy one.

As the money magnet expert, Morgana Rae will tell you, money can feel dangerous; it can break up families. When we start to unpack our beliefs about money, we discover that we may be in a long-term unhealthy relationship with none other than our own personal version of a jerk. Of course we are not cultivating a healthy relationship with money—s/he is so unattractive!

We’re delighted to introduce you to a new C&D contributor, Pearl Mattenson. Based in New jersey, Pearl is a certified life coach committed to helping individuals and couples to take a fresh look at relationships. We’re thrilled to have her wisdom to share.

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It is so easy to fall into the habit of believing that our family and work relationships would improve if only the other person would change. Just ask my children, they know exactly how I want them to change! When we think that way, we shut the door on new possibilities. In order to open that door, we first have to get into right relationship with ourselves. So I want to tell you about two resources that can help you do that. Think of them as door openers. And yes, I am working on them too!