Riding the Storm: Helping Children Maintain Inner Serenity
by Chynna Laird

As a mom of four children under the age of six, believe me, I “get” tantrums: The screaming, the arm flailing, the leg kicking, the carrying on—sometimes all four of them doing it at the same time! In our house, the worst sorts of tantrums stem from when Jaimie, our soon-to-be six year old, becomes so overstimulated with sensory information she completely shuts down.
Jaimie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD, when she was two-and-a half. Although SPD isn’t a life-threatening disorder it can be debilitating for children whose sensitivity is so high they’re unable to function properly in their environments, or with the people in it. By the time she was three, I spent the bulk of my day putting out tension fires and avoiding potentially overstimulating activities in order to keep Jaimie calm because when she had a tantrum, it lasted for hours or until she passed out from exhaustion.
Being a pro-holistic mom, I tested out many non-medicinal calming techniques for Jaimie until I found a few that worked well within her comfort zone. These are terrific tactics for any family, whether there are special needs or not. Remember, though, before trying any calming tactic try to catch the tantrums before they hit nine on the Richter scale. By then, it’s too late.
Allow me to share a few of our favorite ways to maintain inner serenity, or, as we call it at our house, “Calming your insides down”:
Stretch it out. Stretching out or yoga are wonderful ways to help ease out tension and stress to reach inner calmness. There are some fabulous DVDs out there, some of which you can get at Sensory Resources (www.sensoryresources.com). The site has books, tapes, CDs and other tools specifically geared to Autistic, Asperger’s and sensory sensitive children so you know they’ll be perfect for calming down.
The best thing about yoga is that it teaches stillness so the child will learn to pay attention to what their bodies are doing when they’re upset. And if they recognize what’s going on in their little bodies, they’ll be able to calm down before a tantrum sets in.
Just breathe. Even adults need to be reminded to take a deep breath once in awhile when they get stressed. Deep breathing can be done with the yoga or on its own. The purpose is to say, “Hey, take a little time out, step back and regroup. Then we can try again.” We’ve taught Jaimie to go, “Breathe in…1-2-3…Breathe out…1-2-3…” and to repeat this five times. It doesn’t always work but a lot of times, when she gets to five, she’ll at least be able to talk to us.
Which brings me to the next point.
Use your words. This is an expression we use both at home and that we’ve taught Jaimie’s teachers to use with her. It’s difficult to get any child to tell us what’s on their minds. Half the time, they don’t understand why they feel the way they do. So how are they supposed to tell us? What we do for Jaimie is use actions with our words so she relates the action (what the body does) to the feeling or words. For example, if she’s worried about an upcoming event, we’ll put our hands up to our mouths, furrow the brow and talk in a quiet voice, saying, “You feel worried, Jaimie. Like this?” Then you can talk about the feeling, what goes on in their bodies then teach more positive counteractive ways he or she can cope with it. (Note: If you don’t guess the feeling right away, just work through a few until you are close to what they do feel.)
A box of calmness. We keep a paper copy box crammed full of different crafts such as beading, colouring, PlayDoh, stacks of notebooks for writing (Jaimie loves to write stories.), puzzles and little board books. These are all activities that help to capture a child’s focus and attention so they can bring themselves back down, sometimes without even realizing it! Plus all of these activities are positive counteractive ways to deal with stress or anxiety. PlayDoh, for example, is a fantastic way to work through feelings both with creativity as well as the squeezing action.
Deep touch. For some kids like Jaimie, a light touch is unbearable. When all else fails, we can usually calm her down a bit by giving her big bear hugs, deep pressure massages or having her sit behind one of us on the couch as we lean into her (which we call, “squishing.”) Massage is a great way to relax children as well as to help them re-focus as we put pressure on other places and rub them away. Plus, sometimes a big hug from mom can be all it takes to melt the stress away.
The only thing I’d add to our list is creating a space where your child can go for alone time. It should be a place that’s set up just for them and separate from the general hustle and bustle of the rest of the house. We set up a little pup tent for Jaimie where she keeps her favourite books, stuffies and a drawing book. That’s where she escapes to when things are too overwhelming for her or when she’s gone through a highly stimulating activity, like school.
In a way, I consider what we’ve gone through with Jaimie a valuable learning tool for all of us. She’s taught us the importance of inner serenity in relation to our overall health. And she’s also brought us closer as a family in helping her maintain it.

I never realized how important the subject of inclusion is for special-needs children until I had to fight to get my daughter, Jaimie, into public school. Parents need to understand what inclusion is, what is involved in the process, and what to do if you want to set your child up for success in a public-school setting.

Inclusion: What It Is and What It Isn’t

In the 1970s, mainstreaming emerged as a way for special-needs children to join their peers in regular classrooms. These children received services suited to their individual needs and supported by individual programming based on their Individual Education Plan (IEP). The only problem was that integration/mainstreaming sought to change the children to fit into an existing system. That’s where inclusion differs. Inclusion puts the child with special needs in the least restrictive environment with maximum social integration. The focus is to change the system to suit the child’s individual needs and strengths.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, however. Like many other people, I understood the “why” of inclusive schooling but misunderstood the “how.”

Making Inclusion Work

In order to make inclusion work, everyone involved must work as a team. Many teachers support the philosophy of inclusion but lack the skills, support, or patience to take responsibility for the children in their classrooms. Some have been teaching for decades and aren’t willing to change how they carry out their curriculums. And school principals or other higher-ups may not understand enough about a specific disorder or disease to ensure that a child has everything he or she needs to be successful.

The first time I saw the commercials where young girls were saying, “Tell someone,” it brought tears to my eyes. Finally, I thought, finally there’s attention being brought to HPV and its connection to cervical cancer. Girls need to have this information and understand what they can do to help prevent contracting this disease.

Women are very lucky in these modern times—not only to have access to life-saving information, but also to a vaccine to help fight this potentially deadly virus. Even just 20 years ago—when I contracted HPV, which led to cervical cancer—women didn’t have such protection. And I, for one, would have been so grateful to have it.

The Beginning of My Story

Admittedly, I was extremely naïve about sex, contraception and the ugliness of STDs. I held on to my virginity until I was in my late teens. Then I believed that by going on the pill, I was already protected from the scariest thing that could result from sex–pregnancy. I knew what STDs were but never thought I could get one.

When I was 18, I got into my first relationship with a guy I adored and trusted. We never used condoms, and I never thought to ask. I figured that I was on the pill and I was monogamous, so I was safe. But after a few months, he proved me wrong. He’d been cheating on me with a girl well known for her promiscuity. I was hurt and ended the relationship…but my problems were only beginning.

The First Signs

A few months after I broke up with him, I started feeling ill. In addition to flu-like symptoms, my periods were more painful and heavier than usual. It was like a never-ending yeast infection. I ignored the symptoms, figuring the problem would disappear on its own. It didn’t.

When my daughter Jaimie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) almost four years ago, we tried different therapies and treatments to find what worked best for her. Drug therapy on a toddler wasn’t something we considered–instead, we turned to holistic, natural therapies. The most important of these was a “brain-friendly” diet.

Feeding the Brain

Because SPD is a neurological disorder, it’s important to make sure children who have it get a lot of healthy brain food, including “good” fats such as omega-3s. All children need healthy brain foods, of course, but they’re essential for children with SPD for three important reasons:

1. The brain is 60% fat.
If we don’t give the brain healthy fats, it’ll get them any way it can, and that’s when we turn to the naughty saturated fats. Children with neurological disorders such as autism and SPD are especially susceptible to the temptations of junk food because their brains crave fats, but they don’t always choose the best ones.

2. Many children with SPD have a tendency to avoid foods due to their increased sensitivity to smell and texture.
This can lead to missing the crucial vitamins, minerals, and fats their tiny brains need to cope with their symptoms. Learning how to sneak those brain foods into their fussy diets is another challenge!

3. Nutritionists who specialize in SPD have discussed how making simple but important changes to diet can dramatically reduce sensory symptoms.

Keeping all that in mind, here—in no particular order—are the most important foods one should try to include in the diet of a child with SPD:

1. Oily fish such as wild salmon, mackerel, and tuna. These fish are all packed with DHA (docosahexanoic acid—try to say that five times!), which is one of the best forms of omega-3s.

Living in sin. Shacking up. Getting the milk for free.

Those of us living common-law have all heard these expressions at one time or another. My partner’s grandmother still can’t bring herself to verbalize our sinful living arrangements and says to him at the end of every telephone conversation, “You know, you can get a judge to come right to the house to perform the ceremony these days.”

To clarify, Steve and I are engaged—and have been for the last six years. We just keep having little things (like babies, their special needs, a lack of money, etc.) get in the way of our planning process. But, like Steve’s grandmother, there are people out there who neither agree with nor acknowledge our relationship as legit.

Are We Married?

“Marriage-like”–not a marriage. Even though some people (and angry grandmas) may not believe in common-law relationships, some legal entities do consider Steve and I married. That’s right! After a year of living together, we were considered spouses…at least for some purposes. Confused?

According to JP Boyd’s BC Family Law Resource, being common-law qualifies us for specific benefits or obligations, mostly for tax purposes. Examples are health coverage, employee spousal benefits, and contracts, like mortgages. JP Boyd states, “The question that should be at the front of your mind is: ‘Do I qualify as a common-law partner for the purpose of _________ legislation?’”

Let’s face it: we all suffer from anxiety once in awhile. Life is difficult and goes so fast, and many people these days are seeking more holistic, natural approaches to treating their anxiety—especially when dealing with children.

My daughter, Jaimie, was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) when she was only two-and-a-half. Jaimie still wasn’t talking at that age and, what we didn’t realize at the time, was that in her own way she was trying to tell us, “Excuse me, parents. But I’m feeling tremendous anxiety from that smell/sound/the clothes you put on me/etc. Help me!”

After her diagnosis, a wonderful occupational therapist and a psychologist to tried everything under the sun to teach her more positive coping techniques as well as teach us how to help her at home. Although some methods worked, the approaches were very “textbook” and ended up causing Jaimie even more distress. This resulted in a triage meeting where the head psychiatrist of Jaimie’s case “strongly suggested” that we consider putting her on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications (SSRIs).

“Jaimie is only three years old,” my partner Steve said. “Surely there are more natural, holistic ways to treat a toddler than giving her mind-altering drugs.”

That meeting prompted us to do a lot of research, as well as go through a lot of trial and error, until we found what worked best for Jaimie. Here are a few things that have helped us:

Ease Stress By Working In Their Comfort Zone

One thing that drove Steve and I nuts was that all of these professionals who worked with Jaimie weren’t using her own strengths or comforts as a way of helping her. They chose activities that, supposedly, “always worked in cases of Jaimie’s severity level.” Well, she didn’t like water therapy or people manipulating her tiny limbs to do relaxation exercises or being forced to do highly tactile crafts. In fact, they only made things worse. Jaimie loved scribbling in notebooks, looking at picture books and laying still with her favorite beanie Tigger. So, those are what we used when trying to help ease her anxiety.

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet — Vietnamese Proverb

I have been blessed with four gorgeous children: Three girls, Jaimie (almost six), Jordhan (four) and baby Sophie (six months) as well as a feisty little boy, Xander (two). Jaimie struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

SPD is a neurological disorder where the brain takes in sensory messages from the environment through the sensory organs but can’t process them properly. Because Jaimie’s brain isn’t able to read these messages effectively, it can cause confusion and she can become overwhelmed.

The signature of SPD is a child’s highly sensitive senses, which make getting close to them quite challenging; especially for a little sister or brother who only wants to hang out with their older sister. Jaimie’s most sensitive areas are olfactory (smell) and tactile (touch). This means that a simple gesture of affection, such as a hug, can actually feel painful, and if you smell “funny” to her, she won’t let you get anywhere near her. So, how can a sibling relationship flourish with a child with special needs? Slowly, gently and with a lot of patience and love.

Allow me to share how we’ve helped our children develop close sibling bonds despite a barrier of sensory struggles.

Establish Building Blocks

Those of us with more than one child know that including the older sibling in the flurry of baby excitement often eases their anxiety. We got Jaimie to pick the outfits each of her younger siblings came home from the hospital in, and we encouraged her to talk to them while each of them were in my tummy and even got her to choose little things for their cribs.

One of the most precious moments was when we got Jaimie to “hold” Jordhan. She sat down in her foam Tigger chair and we put Jordhan in her lap. The picture we took of them together is framed and on Jaimie’s bookshelf. We didn’t even need to encourage her to do the same with Xander or Sophie—she asked to hold each of them.

There are psychological theories on the importance of sleep, what happens when we sleep, why some of us can’t sleep, sleep disorders, dreaming and the different stages of sleep. By why is sleep so important?

Cracking the Sleep Code

The best way to decipher the sleep code is to study what happens to us when we’re sleep deprived. The amount of sleep a person can deal with before it effects overall functioning is based on individual needs. Some people can function having only two or three hours of sleep while another person wouldn’t be able to stay awake with less than eight.

Either way, some researchers believe that (a) long periods of wakefulness will produce physiological and behavioral disturbances; (b) these disturbances will grow worse as the period of deprivation continues; and (c) that after the period of deprivation ends, a lot of missed sleep will be regained. Other researchers feel we’ve been evolved to respond to the dark-light cycles of days where we get sleepy when it’s dark outside and wake-up when it’s light. That’s why some of us can’t have a nap during the day to save our lives!

What about the kind of sleep we’re getting? Two different people may both be getting the required eight hours of sleep but one person will get a solid, deep uninterrupted sleep while the other wakes up several times and never reaches that deep REM level of sleep. Who do you think feels more rested in the morning?

Simple Solutions for Restful Nights

Now that we know what not sleeping can do to us, how do we help ourselves get more of those all-important ZZZ’s? Here are a few suggestions:

Parents who live far from family and friends, single parents and parents of special needs children all share something in common: the danger of isolation. Isolation is an overwhelming sense of loneliness stemming from having a situation different from the “normal” family. Isolation is dangerous because it can lead to feelings of depression or even resentment, neither of which are very healthy states to be in. I understand because not only do I live far away from family, I’m also a Mom of a beautiful girl named Jaimie with special needs.

I had to learn how to be my own person, fighting that isolation, so that I could be the best mom I could be to all of my children, including Jaimie. Here are a few important ways I learned to fight isolation and stay strong:

Get Rid of the Guilt

Easier said than done, I know. The truth is as parents – especially Mummies – we are predisposed to guilt. We’ve always been there to do everything for them and it’s hard not to feel a twinge of guilt when we have a chance to get away on our own for awhile.

Parenting Without Guilt

But guilt is the number one thing holding us back from enjoying our well-deserved “Me Time.” Those of us with special needs children or who are single parents seem to have an extra layer of guilt we wear. After all, who else is going to care for our children? Single parents can find activities offering child care or reach out to a community-based program with child care offerings. Parents of special needs children have access to child care through many therapy programs and other parents with similar children may be willing to take turns with child care duties.

Fathers are a very important part of a child’s life. And children, no matter what their abilities or capabilities, can thrive with the connection a positive father-child bond provides. My partner, Steve, is like most other Dads in the world: He goes to work every weekday then comes home to spend what little time is left with his children before they have to go to bed.

Special Love

Spending time with his children is very important to Steve, especially since he misses all the treasured moments I’ve gotten to enjoy such as first steps, first words, or first day of Preschool. This heartache is amplified when a child isn’t able to give their love the way other children can.

Our oldest daughter, Jaimie, was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID). Essentially, SID (also known as Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD) is a neurological disorder preventing Jaimie’s brain from properly processing the sensory information taken in from her environment. She’s easily overwhelmed and isn’t able to function appropriately in social settings. The most heartbreaking part for Steve has been that he seems to trigger severe sensory overload in Jaimie, which has prevented them from sharing a solid father/daughter bond.