I was reading an article about anger in one of my favourite magazines. Writer Jenna McCarthy (no relation to Carrie) presents a convincing case against anger.

Makes sense, really. Regularly blowing your gasket or seething in silence are, in fact, really bad for you. One reason I stopped doing kick-boxing workouts (other than regularly passing out) is that I felt like I had to generate anger in order to really get into it.

I’ll admit it straight-away: I have “issues” with losing it. I have a tenuous rein on my temper. I can be very sweet until cornered. Once cornered, I can be a viper. Not at all something I am proud of. But that is my style.

And we’ve all got styles of losing it:

Explosive -  I lost my temper at a colleague once. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t professional, and it felt lousy. I still think that somebody needed to say something to him, but the way I wound up doing it was…ahem… unproductive. Next time, I will chant, “I am choosing to stay calm, I am choosing to stay calm..” while everyone around me snickers and rolls their eyes. (They’d still be more comfortable than if I were foaming at the mouth!)

Avoidance - “I’m FINE!” is the most often-used lie in the universe. This is when I feel like my head will explode if I don’t say something, but I just don’t know what to say or how to say it. Like the situation with my former colleague, I avoided it for so long that I finally thought: I’m actually giving him the green light to keep behaving this way. Show some balls! (Well, maybe not actually “show” because that too, is frowned upon in the corporate setting.) Confrontations can be positive and constructive if you play it right. (More on that later.)

Sarcasm – “Yeah, that’s a GOOD look on you – if you’re going for the whole ‘bag lady chic’.” When someone was affronted by my snarkology, my excuse was always, “it’s just a joke!” – but we both knew it’s just indirect anger. I used to be very sarcastic until I saw it in other people and hated it. I know a lot of people who believe that mockery is a form of intellectual humour, but it feels uncomfortable. Maybe if you’re doing stand-up and that’s your schtick, fine, but for everyday, it’s exhausting.

Passive-aggressive – This is sneaking anger. It’s the coward’s way. We all get pushed out of our comfort zone, but when it happens, and we don’t want to confront someone, we let them know we’re pissed off in a seething sort of way. I’ve done this too. Little things – that speak volumes. Never nice ones. What it means is that you feel pushed-around and you don’t want to take it. Feelings are key indicators here. Maybe listen to a little Twisted Sister and then formulate a plan. But be direct.

Self-abuse – It’s all my fault. No wonder this happened. Accountability and self-reflection are good, but only up to a point. Give yourself credit for your feelings. If someone treats you like you’re a turd on the carpet, you don’t deserve that. (Unless you did, in fact, deposit said turd – then you should feel bad.)  Ask yourself how much responsibility is really yours, and how much is the other person’s.

I have all five styles. Lucky me. Oh! That’s sarcastic! Typcical of you to revert to that! No wait, that’s self-abuse. Fine then, I’ll just say nothing……

Uh, that’s avoidance. Okay then, no problem, I’ll just sit here bitterly plotting something….passive aggressive.

Recognizing it is the first step. Right? Right. Go in peace, blog-readers. Ommmm…..