A Boy’s First Time: More Than A Badge Of Honor
Contrary to characters in movies like American Pie or its equivalent for my generation – Porky’s, not every teenage boy is ready or eager to lose his virginity. For many of us, it’s threatening, confusing and downright scary.
You Want to Do What?!
The first time I turned down a coital proposition (in grade 11), it was more out of surprise than fear. Maybe I’m just more oblivious than most, but I never saw it coming. Kissing was great; that is, after a horrible first try in my green Honda civic after watching Footloose, when I sadly deciding on the way home that I just didn’t like kissing. Second base (feeling her up at the back of Mr. Quan’s physics classroom while the teachers were having a meeting up front) left me physically shaking the rest of the afternoon. Third base was a pure primal experience, my hands and body instinctively discovering what to do in the backseat of mom’s Rabbit diesel (as soon as it was over, Kyle and Lisa shouted out from the car next to us that they’d won the bet about whether or not I’d groan – no secrets on a teenage double date).
Going All The Way
When it was apparently time to round the bases I was lying naked on top of her on the shag carpet at the top of her parent’s stairs, but the idea of “going all the way” had never even entered my mind. So when she (also a virgin, by the way) shyly suggested she’d like to, I uttered in panic the only words I could think of to escape the situation with my virginity and her pride intact: “My heart says yes, but my head says no.” Still one of the most poetic and sensitive things I’ve ever said in bed.
Indulging my teenage hormones in backseats was fantastic and imperative, but intercourse was grown-up territory I somehow knew I wasn’t emotionally ready for.
I love you, but…
Enter girlfriend #2 in grade 12. Same prone position, this time on the black leather couch in her trusting parents’ basement. This time I said yes to a plan to get birth control next week. Then a few days later I devastated her with the decision that I actually wasn’t ready yet. “Devastated” because she thought it meant I didn’t love her, which was far from the truth.
A few months more together and I was boldly walking with her into the family planning clinic. I was the only boyfriend there, but this was our decision and I was going to be part of it (a bravery she didn’t share as she sat in the car while I bought the back-up condoms from the drugstore). We made the doctor laugh with a joke about a new oral contraceptive (say “no”), and walked out with a prescription for intercourse in four weeks time.
Where Am I?
So we were ready: her popping pills, me carrying condoms in my wallet. Two weeks before the well-planned ceremony (to be complete with flowers, gentle music, and of course a fuzzy eye-gazing as we merged into one), we accidentally copulated during a camping trip. I honestly didn’t know what was happening.
“Where am I?” I asked tentatively.
“Inside me” was the soft answer.
“Oh,” I uttered, trying not to sound disappointed or scared, “I love you.”
Despite all the careful planning and research and readiness, I was in fact deeply disappointed, and scared. And feeling betrayed. Had she tricked me, stolen my precious virginity? She was the woman, she was the one who could feel me entering her, she should have known what was happening and stopped it, or at least informed me.
Boys Cry Too
Maybe at age 18 I still wasn’t ready for such an adult emotion and activity. Or maybe it is just a difficult transition that is never as easy as the movies. I was in love, in a good relationship, protected, of legal age, informed, in mutual consent… and it still took a week of tears and hugs to trust each other again.
I share my story to show what the movies don’t – that a boy’s first time is more than a thrill or badge of honor. Unaware, unsure, scared, lost, betrayed – we share these emotions with our partners, just as we share the feeling of “bursting with libidinal energy” http://www.sinclairinstitute.com/) that Lucy wrote about in her article “The First Time”, and just as we (hopefully) later come to share the beauty and wonder of this gift we give to each other.
In the comments below, I would love to hear from male readers if you had similar experiences, or from female readers what they have shared or understood of men’s first times. There are as many different first experiences as there are men, but I’m guessing there are some universal truths we all share that run deeper than we generally talk about or see in the movies.
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November 20th, 2008 at 7:27 am
beautiful. When I was pregnant with my son I read the book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. And it gave me great insight into why it's hard to be male – not any harder than being a woman, both genders have their hassles, but I'd never seen the particular struggles of boys/men, so clearly. And one of the downsides is that losing one's virginity, for men, is so often positioned as a conquest. And conquests don't leave much room for emotion. The world needs Warriors who can be Lovers, and the loverly-ness is something that needs to be fostered – from birth to death. Women could do a better job of assuming that the tenderness is there in boys/men, even if it isn't always apparent. Hearts behind armor have a better chance of being felt.
Rick, I hope my son grows into such an aware young man. Thank you.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:33 am
What a beautifully written vulnerable article, Rick. Thank you for giving me an insight into the world of a young man that I just don't get a chance to know. I feel if I ever have a son this article has blessed me with new eyes, new respect. But even more than that, it helps bridge the gap between “woman” and “man” for me. It is a revelation to me and warming, to know you have shared some of the same feelings I have when it comes to sex and vulnerability.
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Thanks for the story Rick. I really loved how you were honest about your emotions and experiences. Referring to what Danielle mentioned in her comment – for boys, losing one's virginity is seen as a conquest and to read about your own thoughts and experiences has given me a new perspective.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I had a similar experience on my first time. I had dated the girl for quite a while but for some reason, rounding the bases to home plate was a very emotional issue for me. It was completely unexpected and as I lay there on top of her I felt vulnerable, uncomfortable, and that nothing would quite be the same.
Our relationship continued to be great and we married. I continue to love her a lot and sex between us is great, but that first time I felt betrayed by all of the things I read and thought I knew as a young man. I discovered that for me, intercourse created an emotional connection to the other person and I was not prepared for that. I expected it to be more like fooling around, just a purely physical act.
So I learned something about myself that day. It took a few months to digest it emotionally. I really wanted to talk about it with my friends, but since no one else ever talked about that issue I figured it was just me being emotionally immature. Now twenty years later, I discover it is more of a hidden secret.
I had a large group of friends during college and I remember one telling me that another guy I knew casually had his first time and that he didn't last very long “two pumps and a tickle” was the phrase. I remember thinking that even though I didn't really even like the guy we were talking about, that was something that really didn't need to be shared, it left the other guy way to vulnerable.
While we all invision ourselves as swaggering jocks, boasting of our latest conquests in the locker room, I think the truth is that sex can be as emotional for young men as it is for women and that is not something that makes it into our culture.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
conquest, yes, that didn't come until later, but was the dominant theme through university and beyond. I think that needs to be a whole other article, because it's sadly too true
November 29th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
You are a nice considerate person, Isn;t Sex so lovely and relaxing and if Gor created all creatures why did he have creatures getting the most relaxation from our genetal area where all our waste food and drink are excreated.?
December 6th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Thanks Rick! It was good to hear an authentic voice from the male perspective.
December 7th, 2008 at 5:51 am
What a beautiful article. I wholeheartedly agree that your first time has much less to do with your gender, and more to do with who you're with, and who you are. I'm a girl and I have to admit that for me sex really is just a physical act and always has been. I think the myths about girls being 'emotional' while guys are just looking for a 'badge of honor' are blown out of proportion with reality.
March 7th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Many don't know that God can be ever present in our lives and He will give us little promptings and bursts of strength to hold back from going to far in certain situations,,Thank you all for sharing the above examples of that.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Reading this article something has recollected from the life when still was the little boy. All arrive on a miscellaneous, there are no general rules. Most likely it to the best.